Look, I get it. The urge to get revenge on a narcissist is so strong it almost feels like a physical itch, doesn't it?
You want them to hurt. You want them to feel just a sliver of what they put you through. And honestly? After everything they did, who could blame you for fantasizing about it?
But I'm going to ask you, gently, please don't.
Revenge keeps you tied to them. It keeps them living rent free in your head, and trust me, that's the last place you want them.
So instead, I've got 9 things that destroy a narcissist way more than any revenge plot ever could. And the best part? You get to do every one of them with a big smile on your face.
1. That Job They Said You'd Never Land
Remember when they told you to just stay home? That working wasn't for you, that you'd never cope, that you were better off being looked after?
Because now you've gone and got the job. The one they said you weren't smart enough for. The one they laughed at when you mentioned it. "You? In that role? Come on, be realistic."
Well, here you are. Sitting at that desk every morning, earning your own money, making your own decisions about your own life.
And that's the thing about financial independence. It changes everything. Suddenly you're not asking permission. You're not justifying every coffee or every pair of shoes. You're just living.
Forget revenge. Go grow instead. Go become the person they spent years insisting you couldn't be. That's a far better use of your energy, isn't it?
2. Those 'Silly' Hobbies? All Yours Again
And while we're on the subject of things they tried to talk you out of, remember that thing they called pointless? Pottery, painting, running, knitting, writing little stories nobody else read. Whatever it was, they made sure you felt stupid for loving it.
"You're really still doing that?" Yeah. You were. And it lit you up, didn't it?
Hobbies are supposed to bring joy. That's literally what they're for. They don't have to make money, impress anyone, or look good on Instagram. They just have to feel good to you.
So pick it back up. Dust it off. Sit with it on a Sunday afternoon and smile at how silly it feels to have ever apologized for it. And promise yourself, no one takes it from you again.
3. Building A Circle They Can't Touch
Remember how nervous they used to get when you mentioned a new friend? That tight little smile, followed by, "Oh, they seem a bit much, don't you think?" Or my favourite, "I just don't trust them around you."
Translation: please don't make friends, because I can't control what they'll say to you.
Isolation was the whole game. The smaller your world, the bigger their grip. If you only had them, you only listened to them.
So now? Build the circle. A big, messy, varied one. The kind they would have hated on sight.
Sign up for the pottery class. Join the running group nobody takes too seriously. Volunteer at the shelter on Saturdays. Sit in the community choir even if you can't sing a note.
These rooms are full of people who don't know your history with the narcissist, and that is genuinely freeing.
Some of these people will become passing faces. Some will become the ones who text you at 9pm just to check in. You won't know which is which yet, and that's part of the fun.
The narcissist hates this more than any clever comeback you could serve up.
4. Calling The People They Pulled You From
And while you're building new bridges, don't forget about the old ones. Pick up the phone. Send the message. Open the door you were told to close.
Because there’s a real chance somebody out there has been waiting for you. The cousin you used to call every week.
The best friend who got iced out because the narcissist didn’t like the way they "looked at them." The sister who tried, who really tried, and was painted as the villain for caring too much.
The narcissist worked overtime to slice those threads, didn’t they? Slowly, one comment at a time. "I just don’t think they’re a good influence." "Did you see how they spoke to me?" "It’s us against the world, baby." Yeah. Convenient.
Now? You get to walk that back. And you’d be shocked how often the response is something like, "I’ve missed you. I knew something wasn’t right."
I’ve had clients sit on my call in tears because an old friend just said, "I’m so glad you called."
That’s the part the narcissist wanted to destroy forever. The idea that you could be loved by anyone other than them. And here you are, proving them wrong with one phone call.
Beautiful, isn’t it?
5. The Glow Up Hits Different
Before you panic and think I’m telling you to book a Botox appointment and buy a new pair of heels, hear me out. That’s not what I mean.
A glow up is anything you do for you, that lifts you from the inside. It might be sleeping properly for the first time in years. It might be the gym. It might be a course you’ve always wanted to take but they laughed at.
It might just be eating breakfast without dread sitting in your stomach.
Whatever makes you feel like a person again, that's the glow up. And it beats revenge every time. Why? Because revenge keeps you tied to them. A glow up cuts the rope.
Clients tell me, "Alexander, I caught myself laughing the other day. Properly laughing." That right there is the glow up.
Shift the focus. Off them, onto you. Where it should have been the whole time. And here’s the thing about confidence, the real kind: once it comes back, you’ll wonder how you ever lived without it.
6. Passport Out, Itinerary Yours
Not every narcissist wants to see the world, but the ones who do? Oh, you better believe it'll be their itinerary, their pace, their photo ops. You're basically a piece of luggage with feet.
"We're going here. We're eating there. Be ready by six." Sound familiar?
So here's what I want you to do. Dig out that passport. Check the expiry date. And honestly, you don't even have to go far. When was the last time you actually explored the city closest to you?
I bet there are streets, cafes, little galleries, you've never set foot in.
The world isn't the big, scary, "you can't handle it on your own" place the narcissist made it out to be. That was their story, not the truth. Most people you meet out there are kind. Most experiences are good.
Most days end with you a little fuller than you started.
And while you're out, ordering something you can't pronounce, laughing with people you just met, sending postcards to yourself because why not, the narcissist is somewhere stewing. They cannot believe you're making time count without them.
Because here's the kicker. Time with them? Wasted. Every minute. Now you get all of it back.
Pretty good deal, isn't it?
7. A Fresh Start That's Actually For You
Now, before you read this one wrong, let me be clear. I’m not in the business of telling people to pack up and run. Running from your problems usually means dragging them with you in your hand luggage. But a fresh start?
When the reasons are real, when the soil you’re standing on has gone bad? That’s different.
Think about all the things you put on hold. That job in that city you used to talk about before they rolled their eyes. The course you wanted to take. The town you visited once and thought, "I could really live here."
If the relationship is over, or it’s about to be, please don’t let them have one more vote in the next chapter.
I’ve had clients tell me, "I feel guilty for wanting to move." Guilty? For finally choosing yourself?
The narcissist wants you stuck. Nothing eats at them quite like watching you build something new, somewhere new, with zero space reserved for them.
8. Four Walls Into An Actual Home
And wherever those walls end up being, whether you stay or move, they get to be yours now. For so long, you’ve had four walls. That’s it. A roof, a bed, somewhere to put your shoes. You weren’t living there, you were just existing inside it.
Now? Now you get to make it yours.
Maybe that means deep blue walls in the bedroom because you’ve always loved them and someone always rolled their eyes at it. Maybe it’s a stack of books on the coffee table, fairy lights in the kitchen, a daft little print of the sea above the couch.
It sounds small, doesn’t it? It’s not. Choosing your own cushions is a quiet kind of rebellion when you’ve spent years living inside somebody else’s taste.
And honestly? That beats revenge every time.
9. And Finally, Loving Yourself
And here we are at the end, with what I genuinely believe is the most quietly powerful one of all. Loving yourself.
Sounds simple, doesn’t it? It really isn’t. The narcissist worked overtime to strip that from you, piece by piece, until you genuinely believed you were the problem.
But here’s the thing. When you start to actually like who you are again, when you look in the mirror and don’t flinch, when you stop apologising for taking up space, they lose all their leverage. There’s nothing left to pull on.
I have clients who tell me, "Alexander, I caught myself laughing the other day and it felt like meeting an old friend." That’s it. That’s the moment.
Loving yourself is the ground everything else stands on. Without it, the other eight don’t hold.
