You'd think a narcissist staring admirably back at their children would be full of pride and happiness, wouldn't you? For me, it's a no brainer.
A client said to me recently, "He looks at our son like he's a project, not a person." That sentence stuck with me for days. And honestly? It should stick with you too.
Children are loved completely, but if you're sharing that child with a narcissist, you will witness behavior that'll make your blood run cold.
It's time you realized how much you deserve to understand what's really going on in their warped minds when they look at the child that you both created. Don't say you weren't warned.
1 It's definitely not a person, it's a mirror!
Mirror, mirror on the wall, Who is like me most of all? A narcissistic parent looks at their kids in this exact same way. For them, they don't see a child with skills, passions and opinions of their own.
It's more, "What can this child do for me, and how can I live through them?"
Often that means when the child is performing well or looking good, the narcissist will claim it's all because of how they were raised, or the classic line, "They take after me."
A classic concept would be a narcissist who loves to run and take part in races, and then as soon as their child is old enough to run, too, they will be there at every race, running with them instead of letting their child have their moment.
They probably don't even want to be there, let alone have to share the limelight they didn't ask for with a parent who is only happy because they're complying. This is not about pride, guys.
There is no, "I am so proud of you," unless it's the sort of social media post that makes them sound like a wonderfully caring parent. The child, and maybe this was once you, probably just reflected something flattering back at them, which the narcissistic parent happened to like.
I had a client whose mother would introduce her at parties with, "This is my daughter, she gets her brains from me." Not even a hello to her own kid first. Can you imagine?
Pathetic? I'd say! I know how many adult children of narcissistic parents still try to live for their parents. They don't know what their own hobbies or interests are, they follow the football team they were raised to like because it's a family tradition.
Branching off and forming your own path means the narcissist cannot look at their child like a mirror any longer, and it will give them this warped permission to shame and guilt trip their child. Why?
Because they aren't in control, and the narcissistic parent thinks it will help them fall back into line. Never buy it.
2 The Scapegoat vs. The Golden Child system of toxicity
If there's one topic that becomes a real interest to survivors of narcissistic abuse growing up, it's the dynamic between the golden child and the scapegoat.
This is mainly due to the siblings a survivor grows up with, and if that survivor is you, then I will hedge a bet that you were the scapegoat. When your narcissistic parent looked at you as children, they would have decided who would assume each role.
The golden child will be the one who reflects their ego perfectly. They tick the boxes, fit the role, do as they're told, and prove their loyalty by sticking by them and defending them.
The golden child sees this as nothing but love, and will likely develop those narcissistic tendencies, too, and will do no wrong, and take zero accountability for their actions. The scapegoat? Here's where things get interesting, because the scapegoat will be blamed for everything.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseThey will also be the person who would be the first to stand up and say to their narcissistic parent, "Hey, this doesn't seem right to me.
I had a client tell me her mother praised her one Christmas and screamed at her the next morning over a teaspoon. Same week. Same kid. Different role assigned. Wild, isn't it?
You're being unfair." They're brave, creative, and have potential to be the most warm, positively energized member of the entire family. That's why they're targeted to be shredded to pieces by the very parent who should be protecting them.
What you may or may not know is that the narcissist can decide at the lick of a finger that these roles change if it suits them. Suddenly, the golden child can be blamed, or the scapegoat congratulated depending on what happened that particular day, or how their children presented.
Naturally you'll understand the friction this can cause between both golden child and scapegoat, and eventually they will be pitted against each other. Most end up barely speaking, if at all, and this is something I see all the time.
I wonder if you recognize this dynamic, and how many years you've had trying to understand any of it. Let me tell you, it all derives from your narcissistic parent. They don't have your interests at heart; they have your roles submitted into their game.
3 Children become weapons used against the abused parent
This is mostly seen in custody battles, or during separations with the other parent. Children stop being kids at that point, because nothing can be done humanely or by putting them first. It's never about, "What's best for our kids?", and more, "How can I use our children as weapons?"
The narcissistic parent will know that their children matter to you, if you were or are the other parent.
They know you love them and will do anything for them, and so they will step up and give your kids gifts, promises, copies of their inheritance that places them receiving everything in the event of their death.
This is seen as a freedom for them to gain legal points over you, and once their narrative has been secure, the pulling back will begin.
I had a client tell me her ex bought their daughter a pony the week the custody hearing started. Six months later? Pony was sold, daughter was crushed. Mission accomplished.
The lack of care will thunder into the game. If you are the parent who is separating from the narcissist, your child only needs you. As long as they have one parent who is looking out for them, it'll make all the difference.
If you're the child who had to witness your parents separate, you'll know which one the narcissist was, because it'll be the one who you no longer speak to or see.
No child should be used as a weapon, but this is proof alone that a narcissist isn't interested in the wellbeing of any of their children, even the golden child. They are all weapons; they all serve a purpose.
4 Children of narcissists: the breakdown
Where do you fit into the dynamic of your own family? Do you have kids now, and are you trying your best to give them everything you didn't have growing up? It's a minefield, isn't it?
All the problems, all the drama, all the pain and tears; they all start and end with one narcissist.
That's all it takes, just one to create a childhood that feels as though it ripped you to tatters with no identity, and no clue how to like the things you like without feeling that deep shame.
I had a client tell me her mother used to introduce her at parties as, "My little project." A project. Not a daughter. Can you imagine hearing that as a kid?
When a narcissist looks at their kids, they see potential. Not, "This child will go places with all my love and encouragement," potential, but potential to mold and manipulate.
They love that control, they love knowing they've created extensions of themselves they can bark orders at and offer conditional love when it suits them. If you've been there, you'll know exactly how that feels. You can heal.
5 A trophy when it suits them, invisible when it doesn't
Have you ever watched a narcissistic parent at a school awards night? Suddenly that child they barely spoke to all week is the centre of every conversation. "Oh, we've worked so hard on this together." Have you, though? Have you really?
It's such an odd thing to witness. The child becomes a little walking advert for how amazing the parent is, all dressed up, all smiles, photos for everybody who didn't ask to see them.
Then the event ends. The car door shuts. And the child goes back to being background noise. Maybe they get told off for something tiny on the drive home.
Maybe they just get ignored for the rest of the evening because the parent is now scrolling through the photos they just posted, basking in the comments.
It's confusing for a kid, isn't it? One minute they matter so much. The next, they're in the way.
And they learn pretty quickly that love, or what looks like love, only shows up when there's an audience watching.
6 Your success? That's their success now
Got an A on that test? Won the match? Got into a good college? Wonderful. Brilliant. Watch how fast it becomes their story.
"We worked so hard for this." We? When was the last time they sat down and helped with homework, exactly?
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A SweatI've heard this from clients so many times it makes my jaw clench. A daughter gets a promotion, and at the family dinner, the narcissistic parent is the one telling the story. "I always told her she had it in her. She gets that drive from me, you know."
You don't get to own the win. You get to be the proof of their parenting.
And here's the bit that really stings. The moment your success doesn't reflect well on them, or worse, outshines them? It vanishes from their highlight reel. Forgotten. Downplayed. "Oh, that. Anyone could have done that."
So which is it? Their crowning achievement or no big deal? Whichever one keeps them looking good that day.
You were never being celebrated. You were being borrowed.
