I know you may have spent months questioning yourself and wondering if your overreactions were the problem, without realizing that you were never overreacting in the first place. It's hard to see that when the narcissist is so intent on being so strange.
I had a client say to me, "I thought I was losing my mind for years." Nope. She was just living with somebody whose daily life ran on weirdness.
In fact, there are daily habits of a narcissist that are so strange that they will have left you feeling confused, and they weren't quirks that differentiated you from them. This was all about control, and I want to show you exactly what that looks like to live with.
1 "Oops, I seem to have forgotten…again"
Yeah, that sounds familiar, doesn't it? Every day for a narcissist starts as if they've lost their memory and forgotten everything that happened the night before.
If you got into a fight, the narcissist will strangely reset the relationship by coming down the stairs as the sun rises with a big smile across their face. How are you doing? Sleep well? Gorgeous morning, isn't it?
Never mind that a mere few hours before, they were yelling at you, breaking their promises again, saying such harsh, cruel words and firing off like there's no tomorrow…
…Well there is a tomorrow, and that tomorrow is now today.
I had a client tell me her ex would actually hum while making coffee the morning after calling her every name under the sun. She said it made her question if the fight even happened.
This isn't a narcissist's way of moving on and forgiving themselves for what they said or did. They're not thinking, "Well, it's another day and another chance to try this thing called life."
The narcissist wants to erase your reality. They want you to forget everything that happened, and by acting like it never happened, you then think to yourself, "Well it was obviously no big deal.
They've moved on, so maybe I'm the one who's making a big deal of it and I should be moving on, too. Perhaps it was all in my head."
Right there is gaslighting, but it's actually you gaslighting yourself to believe that horrible fight wasn't horrible, nor a fight.
The narcissist is happy because they've found a way to move on without having to apologize or take accountability for their behavior, and in turn they then get the pleasure of thinking they can act how they like with no consequences.
If they see it works, they will keep playing that game. This is one daily habit of a narcissist you really don't want to let slide.
2 The performance in public
I wish I could stand behind every narcissist in public and pull their mask off right when they least expect it. I would love to see the look on both their faces, and the faces of those who are seemingly captivated and fooled by these toxic people.
The joy it would bring, and the ease of having to say to people, "Yes, they are an abuser" and be believed would be unforgettable. Alas, I cannot do that, and neither can you. Instead, we have to see them act like charming saints.
They're funny, and people are naturally drawn to them. You get to stand aside and watch it all play out like some real time horror movie, while everyone thinks it's the best time they've had in a long time. Every day.
I had a client describe it perfectly. She said, "At the party he was Mr. Wonderful, holding doors, getting people drinks. In the car home, dead silence. Then the insults started." Sound familiar?
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseLet me just say that. This is every single day for a narcissist, and I think it is beyond strange. Behind closed doors, you see the real person. You don't see that mask on, because for the narcissist, it doesn't need to be.
You get the real deal, which is the dark, manipulative, conniving, nasty side nobody else would dream of believing is even possible. As a result, you see the authentic personality, which is a contrast to what others think and assume to be authentic. How calculated can one person be?
The narcissist is so desperate to manage an image that's perfect because their entire self-worth is dependent on how much external validation they get from people. It's sad, but true, and if you ask them, the majority will say it's strange.
3 The monitoring that doesn't stop
I want to share a few snippets of comments I have seen from you in the past:
Comment one: I used to try to go about my day, even just making lunch or checking my phone. I'd water the plants in the garden, listen to a play on the radio, or even just do the housework. I'd constantly feel like his eyes were on me.
He'd watch me, waiting for my mood to change if he muttered something to me. He wanted a reaction when he was hovering over me. It's like I was constantly being monitored, yet I wasn't doing anything even worth noting.
Comment two: Whenever he used to try to start an argument, he would always do so by coming home and slamming the door. He knew I'd ask what was wrong, and that was his way of yelling at me. Suddenly, everything I did was wrong. I was his enemy.
I never listened. I was always so needy.
One woman told me she started narrating her own day in her head, just to beat him to the question. Can you imagine living like that? Pre-answering interrogations in your own kitchen?
He'd say all these things to me knowing they would make me cry, and every time I would try to calm him down, I'd find myself exhausted. He knew what he was doing. He knew my reaction was what he wanted to capture.
When I didn't respond, it'd be the silent treatment for not falling for his show. Two people, with very similar stories, and both revolved around the obsession the narcissists in their lives had with monitoring them.
They weren't doing anything remotely interesting, yet somehow it became about them dancing to the beat of the narcissist's latest mood or need for a certain outcome. It doesn't stop. It's a daily occurrence, alongside, "What are you doing today? Why are you going there?
Why were you so long at the grocery store? Why didn't you have time to do the laundry today? What did your mom call for?"
This isn't remotely like taking an interest, but more about monitoring your life, and everything that you say or do. Don't for one second believe it's about care or concern, it never is.
4 The sulking just when the time is right
A conversation you can have with a narcissist will drop coldly when they feel like the attention isn't fully on them. It's not about them being sensitive, it's about emotional manipulation that's designed to train you to manage their feelings. You shouldn't have to do that.
It's not up to you to babysit their emotions on demand like that. You respond to a pattern of control that's familiar, and the narcissist makes you feel as though you're somehow too sensitive. You're not. You're the emotionally regulated one here, and their sulking proves that.
I had a client tell me her ex would go silent for three days because she took a phone call from her sister mid dinner. Three days! Over a phone call. Tell me that's not a tantrum dressed up as hurt feelings.
The narcissist sulks to get you to chase them. Apologize. Explain yourself again to the point where you can't find any new words to use. The irrational environment you're in is not suitable for somebody who isn't toxic.
It's a playground you need to find the exit for so you can leave these strange daily habits the narcissist inflicts on you. A conversation with a narcissist will only continue if it's going their way.
It's not about what you have to say, it's about listening to them again and again. I say, step away!
5 The mirror check that takes forever
You know that thing where you glance in the mirror on the way out the door? Maybe a quick check of your teeth, a smooth down of the hair, done.
That's not what's happening here.
The narcissist will stand in front of that mirror for what feels like an eternity. Turning. Adjusting. Turning again. Pulling at the collar, smoothing the shirt, checking the side profile, then the other side profile.
And you're standing there with your coat on, keys in hand, going, "Are we leaving or…?"
I've heard this so many times from clients. "We were already late and they were still in front of the mirror."
Why does it take so long? Because what they're seeing has to match the version they need everyone else to see. The mirror isn't just a mirror to them. It's a rehearsal.
And here's the funny part, they'll often pick at you on the way out. Your outfit, your hair, something. Because if they spent that long getting ready, they need to make sure they're the one being looked at when you arrive.
6 Small kindnesses? Not on the menu
You ever notice how the narcissist will hold a door open for a stranger, but won't pass you the salt without a sigh?
Small kindnesses are not part of their daily routine. Not with you, anyway. A cup of tea made without being asked? Don't hold your breath. Picking up something from the store because they know you've had a rough day? Forget it.
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A SweatAnd it's not that they can't do it. They absolutely can. You've seen them do it for the neighbour, the colleague, the random person at the checkout. They'll charm the socks off them.
But you? Nothing. Because small kindnesses at home don't earn them applause. There's no audience. No one to clap and say, "Oh, isn't he lovely?"
So why would they bother?
It's one of those things you don't really clock at first. Then one day you're standing in the kitchen realising you can't remember the last time they did something thoughtful just because. Not for a birthday. Not because they wanted something. Just because.
And that silence says everything.
