As you're sitting there with tears falling down your face, you notice your heart is beating out of your chest. Guess what? The narcissist is still asleep. They aren't tossing and turning, or staring at the clock for the hundredth time.
I had a client message me at 2am once, saying, "He's snoring. I've been crying for an hour and he's snoring." That image stayed with me. It broke something in her that night.
They're sleeping soundly, while you're left rattling in the dark and wondering what just happened. Why does a narcissist do this? Why do they make you cry then just drift off into a peaceful slumber? I'll tell you right now.
1 You wonder, "Did that really happen?"
I want to assure you (though it may not make you feel actually any better), that yes, it did happen. It happened probably for the hundredth time since you've been together. And no, I don't think you're overreacting at all. Your tears are justified.
I think anybody who constantly drags your energy levels down to the point where you feel so worn out and emotionally wasted is a person who doesn't care about you in the way you hope they will.
I had a client sit across from me and whisper, "I actually googled if I was going crazy that night." No, sweetheart, you weren't. You were being crushed in slow motion.
When a narcissist makes you cry, they're leaving a mark on you that says, "I just got full control of you and how you feel in this moment."
This happens all the time in different ways, but making you cry stings that little bit more because of how personal it feels. While you're sitting there questioning the reality of what you've just been through, the narcissist is looking at you with a confused look on their face.
They want to know what your issue is, after all, as far as they're concerned, everything is fine. What happened has been filed away and forgotten about, and they want to carry on as normal.
So while you're still wiping away that last tear and feeling like you're running on empty, the narcissist got their reaction and is more than happy to celebrate that.
2 The narcissist does this because…
…There's a huge difference between how you carry conflict in your body, and how the narcissist carries it. Let's start with you. You carry it like a normal person. For days, even weeks, you feel that heavy weight in your chest.
It's tight, and you replay everything that was said, hoping by doing so, you somehow change the outcome to something better. That doesn't happen. The narcissist's words don't leave you; they linger and cause even more pain than they did at the time they were spoken. Then there's the narcissist.
I had a client tell me once, "He was snoring while I was still shaking in the bathroom." That image stayed with me. Snoring! While she sat there wrecked.
They carry conflict by… Well… If I'm honest, they don't carry it at all. Narcissists are not normal people. They don't carry anything because they don't have the kind of conscience that allows for it. They don't want to resolve, they just want to control, and control you.
Making you upset was the rise the narcissist was looking for, to knock you off your center and keep you second-guessing both yourself, and what happens next. It's a box they aim to tick, and they do so right as their nervous system settles down and yours fires up.
After that, there's nothing to process for them, so it's business as usual. Surely knowing this is proof that the narcissist was never really emotionally invested in the first place? I hope that's what it can start to mean and look like for you.
3 And the worst part of all is this
I know you might assume that the argument is the worst part in all of this, but I want to show you that there's far more to this topic than just that moment you were made to cry.
The moment the narcissist falls asleep and leaves you laying there clasping your tissue you've blown your nose into is the worst part of it all.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseThey've given all their cruelty, they've yelled and screamed at you, accused you of all sorts, told you what they really think of you (they do that when they're angry), and then they sleep.
Within minutes, they drift off happily like nothing happened, and like they haven't left their partner crying alone in the dark. Could you imagine doing that? No, me neither.
I had a client whisper to me once, "I lay there listening to him snore while I was still shaking." Can you imagine? The audacity of that snore alone.
I have far too much conscience to even fathom how a person can, but narcissists are entirely different to you or I. They base their entire lives on not caring, and putting themselves first.
To make you cry and then turn their back on you is the ultimate test that they still matter to you, and how they matter is the control they seek. This is the time you absorb everything that just happened, going over and over and over it in your mind.
Each time, it hits you freshly, and your pain becomes more searing. You feel like the world's biggest inconvenience, and you try to think about what that means for the future of your relationship.
You start to wonder if you are just being too sensitive, and if you should just stop crying and go to sleep yourself, but that right there is proof that all the times you were gaslighted has taught you to gaslight yourself.
4 If you feel exhausted by this, you're not going insane
If the narcissist were constantly cold, you'd at least be able to deal with the same kind of behavior all the time, although it won't be ideal. If they were constantly warm and loving then I wouldn't be writing about them on my page about narcissists…
There's just enough warmth to keep you hooked. There's just enough to make you think momentarily that they love you. You hope.
The switch flips and they rip you to pieces, and as they roll over and sleep like a newborn baby after a big feed, you can't unsee the damage it's doing to you.
I had a client say to me, "Alexander, I feel like I've run a marathon and he's had a spa day." That's the imbalance right there. That's the whole game.
You aren't going crazy. This is how any person is supposed to react given the circumstances. When you look back and notice this has been the case for months, even years now, you'll start to see that it's the foundation of your relationship; not love.
Nobody should wake up the morning after an argument of that magnitude fine. It's normal to feel exhausted. You're on a literal emotional rollercoaster, and you can't possibly sustain healthy wellbeing remaining in this cycle.
5 Morning comes and it's as if it never happened
You want some coffee? It's going to be a beautiful day today! The smile is big, and the voice is completely normal, as if nothing ever happened. Perhaps you'll get a little affection thrown in there.
As you stand there feeling more tired than you've ever felt, you feel as if you'd be awkward to bring up the subject.
I had a client tell me her ex whistled while making pancakes the morning after screaming at her for three hours. She stood there wondering if she'd dreamed the whole thing.
This is a reset that is laced with intention. There is obviously unresolved conflict that you can't ignore, but the narcissist tries their best to.
The narcissist will do this because they know they can control any aspect of your relationship, and how they act will determine the entire mood of the house you share. Either way, they win. And they love knowing that this is a power they still hold over you.
You deserve better, let me tell you.
6 Meanwhile, you're staring at the ceiling at 3am
And there you are. Wide awake.
The tears have dried into that tight, crackly feeling on your cheeks and you haven't moved because moving feels loud somehow. You can hear them breathing next to you. Deep, slow, peaceful breaths. The audacity of it, right?
Your brain is doing that thing where it plays the argument back on loop. What did I say? What did they say? Was I actually being unreasonable? Maybe I was. Maybe if I'd just phrased it differently…
And you're rehearsing tomorrow. Should I bring it up? Should I just let it go? If I bring it up, they'll say I'm dragging things up again. If I let it go, nothing changes.
You look at the clock. 3:14am. You look at them. Still snoring. Still fine.
That's the moment a lot of my clients describe to me. Not the fight itself. This bit. The lying there in the dark realizing that whatever just happened, it cost you everything and cost them nothing.
7 The sleep thing is not normal, by the way
I want to say this plainly because I think people gloss over it.
A person who has just made another human being sob, and then rolls over and drops into deep sleep in under five minutes? That is not the sign of a clear conscience.
That is not "they must be tired." That is somebody whose nervous system genuinely did not register what just happened as a big deal.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsThink about that for a second.
You are lying there wrecked, replaying every word, wondering if you are the problem, and they are snoring. Snoring! Like they just watched a mildly boring documentary.
Normal people, people with a working conscience, cannot do that. If I upset someone I love, I am up. I am thinking. I am replaying it. I am wondering if I need to say something in the morning. That is what caring looks like in a body.
So if you have been telling yourself, "Well, maybe they just handle things differently," I want you to sit with the truth for a minute.
They handle things differently because it did not hurt them to hurt you.
