You're lying there at night just looking up at the ceiling above you. You replay everything that happened, and it happens every time the sun goes down. He's gone silent again.
I hear it from clients all the time. Something feels off after dark, and they can't quite put their finger on it. Trust that gut, honestly. It's usually right.
He's on his phone again. Maybe you wake at 3am and he isn't even in bed with you. That's because night time narcissists turn even more strange at night, and I want to talk about what those things are. You're not imagining any of it!
1 Night becomes their prime battlefield
Night time is prime time for narcissists, who satisfy themselves by using these dark hours as their battlefield.
This develops into a mania for them; they want to talk to you in depth about their day, your day, a random fact, or a memory they've conveniently remembered just as the moon rises.
This will force you to stay awake; you've had a long day, and now you have to find the energy to keep the narcissist amused as they go back and forth with such a spark. They provoke, too.
Narcissists love to hold onto grudges or issues right until the last minute of the day. Just as you think you're going to bed to catch up on some much needed sleep, the narcissist has other plans. Why does this happen?
One client told me her ex would wait until she was literally turning off the lamp, then go, "We need to talk about earlier." Every single night. Sound familiar?
Well, they know exactly what they're doing, and will try no end to stress you out right as your nervous system should be settling down and resting. Who wants an argument at 2am?
The only person who would put their hands up if nobody else could see would be the narcissist. They love it. Knowing your defences have dropped, of course they will jump on that and take advantage of it.
This part of narcissistic abuse is a tactic well known and well used. When you're more vulnerable, you're easier to manipulate and control, which is precisely what the narcissist is hoping for.
2 They withdraw very strategically
Let's jump to the opposite end of this, because you'll be interested to know that narcissists are just as good at taking all their warmth and energy away from you right before bed as they are keen to expel their mania onto you. Yes, that's right.
You're getting into bed, and the narcissist is silently scrolling their phone, with barely the enthusiasm to look up at you even for a second.
You're right next to them, but you may as well get on a plane and fly to another continent because it won't make the slightest bit of difference. You feel invisible, and you're one of many things that happen if you can attest to this.
It's a lonely place to be when you're lying next to somebody you love and they don't even care whether you're there or not.
One client told me she used to lie there counting the seconds, waiting for him to say goodnight. He never did. Just the blue glow of his phone, every single night.
Right before you sleep, too? Come on. This is why narcissistic abuse victims and survivors struggle to shut down at night, because they're so used to being on edge at this time. This kind of withdrawal, like any, is all about control.
That constant low level anxiety will keep bubbling away under your surface, and you will live in this without getting that break of peace. It simply won't exist, and the narcissist knows that this is happening to you.
So, if you go through this and wonder what you are doing wrong, the answer is nothing.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
3 They know how to be masters of the 3am discard, followed by rewriting it all by morning
A narcissist is well known to pick a fight right before bed time. They will open their toxic mouths and spill out the cruellest of comments, then roll over and fall asleep with such ease that it'll leave you feeling exhausted.
There you lie, next to them with your heart thudding through your chest, wanting to know why and how that happened, and how many hours sleep you're going to bank in preparation for the next day.
Come morning, when you're prizing your eyes open after a restless and long night, the narcissist will wake up fresh faced, smiling at you like nothing happened. It never happened.
I had a client say to me, "He insulted my mum, my job and my weight in about ninety seconds, then snored within five minutes." Can you imagine?
Perhaps they will shrug and say, "Well, you should know seeing as you caused it."
They'll tell you that you are overreacting, and that it wasn't a big deal. You misread their comment and let it fester because "That's typical of you to jump to the drama rather than the reality"
You want to scream. How can this be? You just spent all night worrying, and for what? Believe it or not this occurs commonly, and if you live with a narcissist, it will explain why your sleep is suffering the way it is.
You'll never predict their next morning mood, but this is one mood and course of action they take that they know will get right under your skin.
4 They get just what they need from you
During the day, the narcissist has so much attention to feed from. From work to friends, social media feeds to strangers they meet on the train home. These aren't going to be moments or conversations of intimacy, but they are tiny pockets of emotional distractions.
When the night comes, the narcissist still needs this. They scream for it in fact, and you are there as their only source of supply.
I had a client tell me her husband would pick a fight at 11pm every single night, like clockwork. She thought he hated her. He just needed feeding before bed.
That's a big thing for people who aren't even aware that this is why they're needed so much. You drain yourself to supply the narcissist without even knowing that's what you're doing.
The narcissist wants to extract what they can from you, that includes your tears, your joy, your confidence; everything they can manage. Right as you're getting ready for bed, you're now seen as the person to ruin, simply because you're there and nobody else can offer them that relief.
Knowing that you're a resource like that has got to make you see that there's no love here. There's no feelings or warmth from you, other than the fact that you're a commodity.
5 They rewire your entire nervous system
I've touched on the nervous system, and I think I need to go deeper to make you fully understand what it means for you to have to deal with narcissists at all, but mostly late at night.
Night time is where we all release the tension from the day, or at least, we are supposed to. We're meant to let go, and give your bodies permission to say, "Right, this is my time to rest and be vulnerable."
Tension is unable to leave your body if you live with somebody like a narcissist, because they teach you to never let your guard down. You don't know that's what it is, because those words aren't used, but that's exactly what it is.
Your body will learn to stay alert in the very place you should feel safe: home.
A client told me she used to lie awake counting his breaths, just to know if he was really asleep or about to start something. That's not rest. That's surveillance.
You dread the quiet. It's not what you signed up for, but it's just so loud. You have no idea how to deal with the time frame in which everybody else is sleeping peacefully. It's a confusing time, but you are feeling like that because you're fragile.
Your nervous system is trying to tell you that it's not normal to feel this anxious in your own home. It's not a fear you should be having, yet it's caused by these toxic people every day.
6 The Midnight Phone Check (Yes, They Do It)
You know that pillow next to yours? They're not asleep. They're scrolling.
And not just any scroll. They're checking your phone. Yes, yours. While you're lying there, finally drifting off, they're reaching over to swipe through your messages, your emails, your socials.
I've heard this one so many times from clients, it doesn't even shock me anymore. "Alexander, I woke up and they were holding my phone." Every. Single. Week.
What are they looking for? Honestly? Anything. A message from a friend they don't approve of. An old reply they can twist into something. A name they don't recognise so they can grill you about it in the morning.
And here's the kicker. If you catch them, they'll say, "I was just checking the time," or "Your phone was buzzing, I thought it was mine." At 2am. Sure.
It's surveillance dressed up as nothing. And it tells you everything you need to know about how much they actually trust you.
7 Sleep? Who Needs It When You Can Pick a Fight?
You're half asleep. Your eyes are stinging. You've got work in the morning. And there they are, sitting up in bed, ready to rehash something you said three weeks ago at a dinner.
"We need to talk about this."
Now? It's nearly 1am!
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A SweatBut that's the whole point, isn't it? They don't want a fair conversation. They want you tired, foggy, off your game. They want you to agree to anything just so you can sleep.
I hear this one constantly from clients. "He'd wait until I was drifting off, then start." "She'd pick the fight the second my head hit the pillow."
It's strategic. A rested you is a you who can think, push back, hold your ground. A sleep deprived you? Much easier to manipulate. Much more likely to say sorry for something you didn't even do.
And the next day when you bring it up? "I don't know what you're talking about. You were practically asleep."
Of course you were. That was the whole idea.
