So, which one of you left; was it you, or the narcissist? It doesn't really matter to be honest, because either way, fate called for the relationship to be over.
I get emails about this weekly. "Alexander, I blocked them and they made a new number. I moved and they found the address." Sound familiar? It should.
For a little time you know, that's what it looked like it was, but then came the call, or the text, or the email.
As annoying as it might sound, this is a familiar way for narcissists to act up, and they will keep returning until you do this one thing. The power is now in your hands.
1 Surprise! The narcissist is coming back for…
First off, we need to talk about why the narcissist keeps coming back in the first place. If you can't understand why, then you won't be able to do anything about changing it in your future.
Wanting them to stop returning, bothering you and making you feel like you can't escape their abuse will keep that narcissistic cycle of abuse turning over and over, so this is what needs to be realized:
Your supply keeps the narcissist coming back for more. It explains everything you need to know about the narcissist's motive, and why you keep seeing them reappear in your life.
The fact that they need so much attention proves that they've been so used to getting it from you, and your emotional energy has been feeding them nicely for so long now.
You were a huge source of that to them, and yes, they can briefly cut away from you for a short time, but that will never last all the while they want more, and all the while you give it.
I had a client say to me, "Alexander, I felt bad for ignoring him." That guilt right there? That's the supply. They can smell it from a mile away.
All those times you cared and forgave them, you tried so hard; more than anyone should try with a toxic person. Each time the narcissist returns and you feed that attention? Yeah, you're going to be feeding and fueling their ego. Nobody knows me like you.
I just want another chance. Let me prove that I've changed. If you believe and let that in, you're letting in more excuses to treat you like garbage.
2 The painful thing you don't want to hear
I can try to sugarcoat it for you as much as you would like, but I don't think it'll help you get to the truth about why the narcissist keeps returning.
A part of you may think the narcissist is returning because they want to be a part of your life, but that's simply not the case.
They can sure act like that's what it is, but if you know their return is based on you still being available to them, then I'd hope that would start to show the truth to you.
I don't necessarily mean you've held the door open and told them to come home, but availability can also sometimes look like your willingness to let them come back without consequence.
If they knew you weren't going to tolerate them acting this way any longer, they'd get fed up and go for good.
I had a client say to me, "But he cried, Alexander, real tears." And I said, sure, but did anything actually change afterwards? She went quiet. She already knew.
Okay, we can try again, but just this once. We all know that won't be just once, don't we? We know it's likely to look like a dozen times or more, and that's what the narcissist already knows.
For a lot of victims, it's a painful thing to hear, namely because it is the closure you probably never feel ready for. Let me just say this though:
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseIf you're always going to let the narcissist back in, they're never going to change how they treat you.
3 Change? Only if it's this!
You've probably seen the narcissist leave before, and they've somehow managed to return. The question isn't how to get rid of them again, the question is why do they keep returning? The narcissist will never change, and I think that's always something worth remembering.
Waiting for that change does feel like a waste of time when all you do is circle back to the same patterns over and over again. Stop waiting. What needs to happen is that you change what they get when they do come back. It has to be nothing.
Don't give them a single thing, because I assure you, if you do, they will always have something to come back for and to.
I had a client who replied one last time saying, "Please stop." That was it. Two words. He took it as an invitation and was back on her doorstep by Friday.
Once upon a time, giving the narcissist even the slightest thing upon return will have made them feel so good about themselves. Your tears, your anger, a long message explaining to them how done you are, or that you can't do this any more.
Don't even shorten that message; just give them nothing. When you offer that wall of silence that cannot be moved or jumped over, you're doing this:
The supply is dried up. Without your reaction to feed from, or emotions to twist, the narcissist is stuck, and I mean really stuck. Eventually, they will have to go find what they're looking for somewhere else, albeit reluctantly.
The only way to end your story with the narcissist, is to find something that actually works. This works.
4 "But they say they've really changed this time"
How many times have you heard that one before? Probably too many to count, and the thing is, you want to let them back in because they sound so believable this time.
They really mean it, and the look on their face tells you they've thought about it, and reflected to a point where they can offer you the version of them you saw when you first met.
Real change only shows up in behavior that is consistent to what they've promised you, and over a long period of time.
I had a client once who took the narcissist back on the strength of a handwritten letter. Six pages. By week three, he was screaming at her over a dishwasher. Six pages of nothing.
It doesn't show up in a bunch of flowers and a promise to do better next time. If those doors are open and you're letting the narcissist in again, you're giving them another chance to hurt you. Do you really want that? Can you really handle that all over again?
Stop letting the narcissist perform for you, when all they really want to do is hurt you time and time again.
5 Stopping the cycle: here's how
So, you want to stop the cycle, well, here's how you're going to do that. First off, you stop being useful to them. Stop allowing yourself to be this target that they keep aiming for because they know the reward is worth it.
You don't have to hate them, after all, that's just more energy. You also shouldn't go into this just to win.
I had a client tell me she stopped replying to her ex entirely, and within a month he was calling her sister asking if she was okay. That's when she knew it worked.
Make yourself a person the narcissist is unable to work with for good;
Be the person who doesn't react. Be strong about it, too. Believe it or not, it's the kind of change that starts and ends with you, and you alone. If you can handle that, you can handle anything.
The fun begins when you change just this one thing, and if you can perfect that, you can do anything you set your mind to.
The narcissist can be a person of the past if you treat them like they don't matter to you any more, but you do it in style.
6 The Door You Didn't Know You Left Open
Here's the thing that trips so many of my clients up. They think they've gone no contact. They've blocked the number, they've deleted the photos, they've told the mutual friends not to pass on any messages.
And yet. There's still a door open somewhere, and they don't even realise.
Maybe it's the shared streaming account you never cancelled. Maybe it's the fact you still check their sister's Instagram every Sunday night. Maybe it's that one friend you keep asking, "So, have you heard anything about them lately?"
Every single one of these is a door. A tiny, hairline crack of a door, but still a door. And narcissists have a sixth sense for cracks, don't they?
They don't need the front door thrown open. They just need a whisper of an opening. A birthday text. A "hope you're okay" through a cousin. That's all it takes.
So the question isn't, "Did I go no contact?" The question is, "Where am I still leaving a light on?"
Be honest with yourself. That's the door you have to shut.
7 What They're Actually Sniffing Around For
People assume the narcissist keeps coming back because they miss you. Because they love you. Because somewhere deep down, they're realising what they lost.
Nope. Sorry.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsWhat they're actually sniffing around for is a reaction. Any reaction. A reply, a rage, a tear, a "leave me alone." It's all the same to them. It all counts as you still being available.
They want to know: does the door still creak open a little if I push it? Does she still cry when she sees my name? Will he answer if I try a different number?
That's it. That's the whole thing.
It's not romance. It's not regret. It's a check-in. A little test to see if their old parking spot in your head is still there with their name on it.
And here's what stings a bit, doesn't it? Every time you engage, even to tell them off, you're basically shouting, "Yes! Spot's still yours!"
So the question isn't why do they keep coming back. It's what are they finding when they do?
