Out of all the things I get asked or approached about, money is the one topic they say they find themselves apologizing for the most. Finances are problematic when you share your life with a money-obsessed narcissist.
They only care about what's in their bank account, and not how it got there or who put it there.
I had one client whisper to me, "Alexander, I can't even buy a coffee without feeling guilty." She earned the money. She just wasn't allowed to spend it. Sound familiar?
Financial abuse is born from this, and it is a form of abuse that can literally follow you for the rest of your life. After those emotional (and maybe even physical) bruises fade, those bank and credit card statements remain.
Let's look at why financial abuse is the deepest humiliation you as a survivor of narcissistic abuse can go through.
1 When you're given an 'allowance'
First, I want to talk about allowances. I understand and see that this is a common way for a person to be under the illusion that they're able to access money. In reality, that's far from the truth. What you're given is a limit.
I'm not saying you should be able to go and spend however much you get on whatever you want, but limits with narcissists are often unrealistic.
For example, if I told you that some women out there have to ask their husbands for money for sanctuary products, would you believe me?
I had a client whose husband actually kept a spreadsheet of every dollar she spent. She'd come home and he'd say, "Explain this $4 coffee." Can you imagine?
Because it's true. It's that bad for many. Budgets only ever seem to apply to the victim though, and more often than not the narcissist will give themselves the free reign to buy what they want, and the most expensive of that thing if they can.
Try to stay on budget with the groceries. Meanwhile, they're getting take-out on their lunch break every single day. You shouldn't have to go to the store and decide which foods to buy based on what money you've been given.
You should instead be able to buy everything on your list because you need it.
2 The joint account that's anything but
You put your own salary into the joint account you share with the narcissist, but they have their own side account that you're unaware of. Maybe rather than that, they work for cash in hand and both refuse to declare it and keep it burrowed away for themselves to enjoy.
They won't tell you, and that's because they don't want your hands on their money. At the same time, you have to pay all the bills with your salary, even though you earn 40k a year less than the narcissist.
When you needed to spend $400 for the dentist, it became this discussion that left you feeling guilty.
I had one client whose husband called her selfish for buying tampons out of the joint account. Tampons. Meanwhile he'd dropped two grand on golf clubs that month. Sound familiar?
When it's them buying pizza for the football and house full of people, it's fine to not even run it by you first. Don't make this a thing. This is my money, too. Fine, but that should work both ways and be fair, right?
The whole point of joint is that it's something you actively have together.
3 If you have a career, watch your back
A narcissist loves to sabotage careers. I mean they really love to make sure your goals and skills die a death that is unable to be traced back to them.
This is why it's important for you to remember a few things, and I am going to list them in bold so your memory takes note. Remember your worth. Remember what you've worked hard to achieve. Remember that your skills can make the wrong kind of people jealous of you.
Narcissists are fabulous at sabotaging other people's happiness.
See also The Creepy Things Narcissists Do When They Are AloneI had a client whose husband 'accidentally' spilled coffee on her blazer the morning of a promotion interview. Twice in one month. Tell me that's accidental. Go on, I'll wait.
There. Now I've got all those out of my system, it's time for you to remember that the narcissist will never really forbid you to work, they'll just make you feel bad for choosing to do so.
You have that big interview and suddenly your kids are sick and they can't possibly take care of them. They try to encourage you to not go for that job. I don't want you to burn out. No, you don't want me to be independent.
Don't let them humiliate you into being trapped at home.
4 Their debt in your name
What did you sign? It was something for the narcissist, and they kept bothering you until you did it. It didn't seem like a big deal, but it seemed urgent.
They thanked you kindly, and it felt good for them to be happy with you, so you went about your day with a refreshing, happy skip.
Two years flash by, and you realize a car lease is up, and you have to pay the rest of the money in one big lump.
I had a client whose ex slid a phone contract in front of her between dinner and dessert. Said it was for work. Three years later, collections were calling her mother. Sound familiar?
A credit card statement comes through the door with a final reminder, or an unpaid bill comes in that you know nothing about. Suddenly, it's down to you to fix, and you'll be lucky if the narcissist is still even around and with you at this point.
It's not a funny situation to be in, but one that many find themselves to face.
What happened wasn't your fault, it was just the narcissist being manipulative and tricking you into thinking it was no big deal, when in fact, your credit score is now rocked forever by this act.
You don't want to be in this mess if you can help it, but if you are, I sympathize fully with what you've got to muddle through.
5 When asking leads to humiliation
It can take a while to recover from this kind of humiliation. When you have to ask if it's okay if you can grab a coffee while you're out to prevent them from calling you after they see the purchase, you know you're in an abusive relationship.
It's hard for people to admit, because abuse is always assumed to be a hit or a kick, a punch or a shove. Abuse is that, but so much more, too.
I had a client who whispered to me, "I asked for ten dollars for tampons and he said, can't you just wait?" She was 34, working full time. Can you imagine?
If you're being lectured for a simple transaction and you're regretting making it, I suggest you look heavily into the dynamic you're in, and whether or not this is a regular thing for you.
If you have to train yourself to eat less just to keep the bills down, then that's another reason you ought to be thinking about why you're doing that. The humiliation shouldn't rest with you. Not even close.
6 After it all…
What nobody wants or does tell you, is that even after you leave the narcissist, the financial abuse continues to tick over.
When you've shredded the credit card, you're paying off everything you've had dumped at your feet while you were together, and at the age you are, it feels as though you're financially having to start from scratch.
A client said to me last month, "Alexander, I bought a coffee yesterday and physically flinched waiting for him to say something." He wasn't even there. That's how deep it runs.
It's not ideal, and you feel sick every time you have to spend a dollar because you're constantly waiting for someone to tell you what a bad idea is to treat yourself or splurge on something you'd normally not go for.
I understand that difficulty and where it comes from, but you have to tell yourself that this all came from one person. Make them part of your past right now.
7 The receipts they demand to see
You bought groceries. Great. Where's the receipt?
You filled up the car. Cool. Show me the receipt.
You met a friend for coffee. Receipt?
Can you imagine living like this? Having to account for every single dollar that left your hands like you're a teenager being checked up on by a strict parent?
And the worst bit is, you start doing it before they even ask. You shove the little slips of paper into your bag, your pockets, the glove box, ready for the inevitable interrogation.
"What was this $4.30 for?"
"A coffee."
"Why didn't you make one at home?"
See how small that makes you feel? Over $4.30. Four dollars and thirty cents!
I had a client once who used to photograph her receipts before she even left the store, just so she had backup in case one went missing. She said it felt like working for the world's worst manager, except the manager was her husband.
It's degrading. And it's deliberate.
8 Hiding money just to feel safe
You start small. A ten here, a twenty there. Slipped into a coat pocket, or tucked inside a book you know they'll never open because they don't read.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseAnd it's not stealing, is it? It's your own money. But that's what they've made you feel like. A thief in your own life.
I've had clients tell me they kept cash inside tampon boxes, because they knew their partner wouldn't go near them. One woman hid notes inside the lining of an old handbag she pretended she was going to donate.
Another opened a secret account under a slightly different version of her name.
Does that sound paranoid to you? It isn't. It's survival.
Because somewhere deep down, you know. You know that if you ever needed to leave, to get on a bus, to feed your kids for a week, you'd have nothing. So you build your little stash. Quietly. Shamefully. Like you're doing something wrong.
You're not. You're just trying to breathe.
