Four little things that change everything about the dynamic you're stuck in with the narcissist. You see, the narcissist doesn't have power over you because they have more strength. They have it because you're unaware you can take it back. Your power belongs to you.
I had a client message me last week saying, "I didn't realize I was allowed to just stop apologizing." That hit me hard. You are allowed. Always were.
While an ego will want leverage over you, that means you're stuck saying sorry, tiptoeing, and second-guessing all the time. That isn't fair! These things? They will reverse that forever. It starts now.
1 Start by refusing to explain yourself
It. Stops. Now. I need this the most from you, and the reason I say it so firmly is down to all the messages I get from you all where you tell me how much you have been doing this for years.
I try to talk but he just doesn't listen. No matter what I say, she doesn't believe me. I told her how I feel and why I asked that question, and she hit the roof. I explained my reasons, and it just made things worse.
Yeah, no surprises there all round! The mistake you're making is giving any kind of explanation at all. You don't need to, because when you do, you're handing over all the control to them. Each time you give out that explanation, you're giving them ammunition.
I was late because I was stuck in traffic.
I had a client who used to write full paragraphs explaining why she couldn't attend a family dinner. He'd pick apart every sentence. She stopped writing them. He stopped picking.
The narcissist will hear, "I am always making excuses." I just want a little space. The narcissist will hear, "You don't care about me at all."
Your excuses to you are valid, but to the narcissist they're just an opportunity to make them look stupid, and they will jump to the defence of that by accusing you of all sorts.
I know this will be so familiar to those who have spoken up in the past and tried to give your reasons for what you needed to give. To no avail, right? Yeah. That'd be why. You don't actually owe them a breakdown of any decision you make.
No can be the full sentence you offer without falling over yourself to make it right after that. The moment you decide to stop putting fuel in that machine is right where said machine runs out of fuel. That's what you want; that should be your aim.
If you can, you're taking away any leverage the narcissist has over you. How can they have control over something that you're no longer giving them? Be smart, be unpredictable, be in control.
2 Let out what you know
Any narcissist you cross paths with will love you the most when you're confused. They won't want you to be assertive, or sure in what you say and do.
This all boils down to knowing that the more uncertain you present yourself to be, the more they can swoop in and shift your reality to what they want it to be.
They love knowing that you weren't quite sure what happened yesterday, so it's natural for them to then jump in and 'remind you.'
You said it was okay for me to work late tonight and then head out for drinks with the boys, don't you remember? You were standing right there! You're so funny when you're forgetful. You laugh along, after all, you're funny, right?
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseYou're cute when your memory slips up, only wait. It didn't slip up.
I had a client say to me, "The second I stopped second guessing myself, he panicked." That's it right there. Your certainty is their kryptonite. Feels good, doesn't it?
You didn't even have that conversation in the first place, which is why you don't recall it. There's nothing wrong with your memory, and everything wrong with the person trying to manipulate you.
The moment you start trusting yourself again is the moment you start to collect data your way, and store it correctly. Your instincts are there for a reason, and they shouldn't be controlled by anyone else.
It is possible for the narcissist to totally lose the plot over you suddenly becoming sure. The narcissist wants the advantage over you, and they'll get it every time you succumb to what they're saying.
If you put a stop to that, you put a stop to their leverage over you. Sounds nice, doesn't it? There is a real nervousness in the narcissist when you decide enough is enough.
3 Dump your emotional reactions in the bin
A fun thing to do, and I know from experience how satisfying it is to perfect this one! You hear the usual spiel from the narcissist:
You don't care about me at all! After everything I've done for you, this is how you repay me! Looks like I know where I stand! You've heard it all before, right? I'd bet my bottom dollar if you're dealing with a narcissist you will have.
It's bait, nothing more, nothing less. Each word they throw your way is an attempt to lure you into giving some kind of over-the-top response, yell, scream, cry, beg, plead or explain. It's all by design, and it's never for the greater good for you.
Every time you rise to it, you're giving the narcissist the reaction they were hoping for. You think you're defending yourself and speaking up, but to them, you're giving them every reason to call you crazy and laugh at you.
I had a client message me after weeks of practicing this. She said, "Alexander, he called me cold. Cold! And I just smiled at my phone." That's the shift right there.
I still matter enough to them. I still make them feel this strongly. When you react, you're confirming that whatever they do still moves you in some way. When you're calm? Oh boy. That's when it all changes.
You're literally pulling the rug from underneath their egotistical feet, and showing them that they mean nothing to you any more. The quieter you become, the louder they will be. They're internally screaming, "React! I need your supply! I want you to show me that I matter! Pay me attention!"
4 Stop harboring the narcissist's secrets
Every narcissist relies on the silence of their victim. From parents who say, "We need to uphold the family image," to partners who say, "What goes on in this house is nobody else's business," each time you comply, you permit their abuse further.
I get that victims are scared to speak up, but understand that your silence is their leash on you. It's not privacy. People won't know what's going on if they're kept from the truth.
If you were to start talking to people you trust, you will allow the full picture to be seen for once. I think that's a good thing, because it's the real start of showing exactly what you've been through.
I had a client whisper to me once, "But if I tell anyone, it'll break my mother's heart." And I said, right, but what about yours? Who's protecting that?
It takes away everything the narcissist is trying to sweep under the carpet. Break that spell they've had over you, and show people what you've had to endure. You don't need to make any special announcements, after all, this isn't a news channel.
Just start by confiding in someone you trust. Doing this alone removes so much leverage the narcissist has had over you over time that you will feel immediately better afterward.
5 Stop Feeding Them Your Business
Ever wonder how the narcissist always seems to know exactly which button to press? It's because you handed them the map.
Every little detail you share becomes ammunition later. Your new job. That argument with your sister. The fact that you've been struggling with sleep. Any of it, all of it, filed away for the next time they need to knock you down a peg.
I hear this from clients all the time. "But they asked how I was doing, so I told them." Yeah, and then a week later that exact thing was thrown back in their face during a fight. Funny how that works, isn't it?
You don't owe them updates. You don't owe them explanations about your weekend, your plans, your finances, your friendships. Nothing.
Keep it grey. Keep it boring. "I'm fine." "Things are good." That's it. That's the whole sentence.
The less they know, the less they have to work with. And a narcissist with nothing to work with? Weak. Fumbling. Suddenly not so scary.
6 Cut the Cord on Wanting Their Approval
Oh, this one's a biggie. And I get it, wanting approval from someone you cared about is human. You want them to say, "You did well," or, "I'm proud of you." But from a narcissist? You'll be waiting until the end of time.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsHere's the thing. Every time you shape a decision around what they might think, you've just handed them the steering wheel again. Quietly. Without even realising it.
I hear it all the time from clients. "I nearly took the job, but I kept thinking about what they'd say." And why does that happen? Because they trained you to check in with them before you moved. That's the leverage right there.
Cutting the cord doesn't mean you stop caring about people's opinions altogether. It means their opinion specifically drops off the list. It becomes background noise. Static.
And when you stop needing the nod from them, something wild happens. You start trusting yourself again. Slowly at first. Then all at once.
That's the moment they lose you for good.
