When a narcissist can feel you leaving, their behavior starts to become worse and worse. You'll notice it lightly at first, but then it will be so obvious that you are dealing with somebody who is losing their grip.
This is about you leaving, but it's also about how you show up as you start to distance yourself.
I had a client tell me once, "He could smell it on me before I'd even decided." And isn't that the strange part? They sense the shift before you've said a word.
What that looks like will be hell for the narcissist. They're desperate at this point, and will do what it takes to regain control. Here is exactly why a narcissist gets worse when they feel you leaving.
1 Their Source of Supply (You) is Drying Up
Leaving a narcissist isn't easy. That's such a short sentence, but it really packs a punch, and carries with it the weight of pain in having to make that choice to go, as well as stick to your plan and leave even when the narcissist makes it difficult.
What do I mean by difficult? I mean total rage and punishment, which I will get to shortly. For now, I want to discuss you, the source of supply for the narcissist, and the very person who kept them going throughout your time together in your relationship.
When that starts to dry up, and the narcissist feels you pulling away, you'd better be prepared for things to get worse before they get better. Before anybody contemplates leaving a narcissist physically, they will always pull away emotionally at first. It has to happen that way, right?
I mean, you disassociate from what you've tolerated to the point where you know it's not for you any longer. Before you walk out, you check out.
I had a client describe it perfectly. She said, "He could feel me leaving before I'd even packed a thing." That's how attuned they are to losing their supply.
All the time you spent with this person, they will have fed off the attention you gave them. Each time you would have presented them with an emotional reaction, the narcissist would have loved watching you cry, jump, jolt or look plain confused.
The control they'd have had over you would have been subtle enough to keep you there all that time, but the longer you stayed, the louder that would have got for you. And so, one day, you decide to leave.
And as you start to withdraw your supply, the narcissist will panic and wonder where they're going to start sourcing new supply from. The panic will be real. Where did you go? What changed for you?
Your supply is drying up, and they will try to control you even harder knowing that you're pulling away. Be prepared for them to make things a hell of a lot worse for you.
2 Love-Bombing Makes a Strong Comeback
Yes, it's very possible that a narcissist may exude their panic and fear onto you by love-bombing you all over again. Remember when you first met, and they did literally everything to get your attention and make you fall in love with them? Prepare for more.
Prepare for the narcissist to try whatever it takes to keep you from taking that step away. There will be a surge in tenderness.
I had a client tell me this happened the literal night after she said she was done. Flowers at the door, a tearful, "I can't lose you, you're my whole world." Sound familiar?
The narcissist wants to see you fall for them and forget your feelings. It works for a lot of people because it's the same person they initially fell for showing up again. It tugs at the heart strings, but it's calculated.
It's a way for the narcissist to re-stabilize you being their main source of supply, and so yes, they can absolutely work in contrast to that punishing approach some try. Falling for it basically means you're falling for their usual tricks.
3 Rage and Punishment Can Also Be Their Default
While narcissists tend to act in the same ways, I want you to know that this isn't always the case. This is a classic example, with narcissists also reverting to rage and punishment the second they feel you starting to pull away and leave. What do I mean by that?
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseWell, have you ever noticed a narcissist ramp up their yelling, threatening you, intimidating you into making a choice that aligns with what they want? They can be covert, and sometimes they can be blindly obvious about it.
I had a client whose ex screamed, "You think you can just walk out on me? After everything I've done?" She froze. That was exactly the point, wasn't it?
Whatever their approach, they want one thing and one thing only: for you to comply. DARVO is the term used for when a narcissist denies any fault or wrongdoing, and attacks you for even suggesting it.
They then flip the problem onto you, making out that you're the bad guy who needs to say they're sorry while they act the victim. Essentially, they want you to forget why you were going to leave in the first place.
If they can be successful, they will know they can control the entire relationship, and trap you that little bit longer.
4 The Idea of You Leaving is a Threat to Their Image
The narcissist spends their entire life building up an image they want to put out into the world. This image will show people how good and kind they are. It will prove to the world that they're loving as well as lovable, successful and trustworthy.
Popular, too, if you really want to dig deep. The image is that of perfection. It will not tolerate fault, and the second you decide you're going to leave, that image is threatened. What will people think of me? What will run through their minds?
Will I be seen as a bad guy?
I had a client whose ex started calling her family the second she packed her car, crying down the phone about how unstable she was. Get ahead of the story, right?
What will be told about me? Who else will crawl out of the woodwork? Losing control isn't just about feeling that rejection to a narcissist, it's as if they're being annihilated.
If they aren't getting that confirmation that they're a good person, they feel as though they are walking a less powerful stride. If you leave, you're the one in control. If you leave, you're sending the world a message that the narcissist was no longer wanted.
These are big messages, and put the fear into the narcissist. Often that threat is what sets the narcissist up for ultimate revenge. They know they've got to do something to change the narrative, and they can become even worse than usual in doing so.
5 Gaslighting Kicks in Big Time
Leaving will signal panic to the narcissist, who will want to do whatever it takes to change the story as soon as they can. That can include:
Rewriting the history of your relationship, masking you out to be the bad guy. Minimizing anything they did that was considered toxic. There will always be an excuse. They will make you question your own memory. Did things really happen how you remember?
I had a client whose ex told her, "You're remembering it wrong, I never said that." She had it in writing. He still doubled down. That's how brazen they get.
All this uncertainty will make you stay present. You can't feel confident and leave the relationship in that headspace without them messing with it, after all, how can you if you aren't even sure what was real? This shouldn't be what makes you believe that you matter to the narcissist.
This isn't proof that you're important to them. Instead, it acts as evidence that you're doing the right thing in ending the relationship. You're walking away from a person who doesn't care about you, only what you can provide for them.
The more desperate they get, the more they use it as a map of their own dysfunction.
6 The Smear Campaign Starts Early
Here's a fun one. You haven't even left yet, and somehow your sister is acting weird with you on the phone. Your best friend has gone quiet. A coworker gives you that look.
What on earth is going on?
The narcissist has been busy, that's what. While you've been quietly planning your exit, they've been planting little seeds everywhere. "I'm so worried about them, they've been acting different lately." "I don't want to say too much, but…"
Notice how they always start with concern? It's clever, isn't it? They get to look like the caring one while painting you as unstable, unwell, or unhinged.
By the time you actually leave, the ground has already been laid. People you love are squinting at you, half convinced you're the problem.
And the worst part? You don't even know it's happening. You're still in survival mode, just trying to get out, while they're ten steps ahead, rewriting the story before you've had a chance to tell it.
It's sneaky. It's ugly. And it's very, very common.
7 Hoovering: Just When You Thought You Were Out
You've done it. You've packed your stuff, blocked their number, told yourself this is the final time. And then…
Ping.
"Hey, I've been thinking about you. I know I messed up. Can we just talk?"
Oh, here we go.
Hoovering is the narcissist trying to suck you back in. And they'll try anything. A sudden apology that almost sounds real (almost). A bunch of flowers at your door.
A text about something only the two of you would know, just to tug at that part of your heart that still remembers the good days.
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A SweatAnd if that doesn't work? They escalate. "I'm not doing well. I think I need help. You're the only person who understands me."
Sound familiar?
It's not love. It's not regret. It's panic. They felt you slip away in section six, and now they're grabbing for whatever rope they can throw.
The trick is to remember: every single time you went back before, it got worse. Not better. Worse.
You already know how this story ends if you answer.
