The mask is on, the days go by. The narcissist smiles, everything feels good. Wait, what is happening here? The narcissist is exposing their true self; nobody could have ever predicted it!
And honestly? I love when it happens. After all the gaslighting, the lies, the second guessing yourself, watching the mask slip is the closest thing to justice you'll get.
Well, in truth, once you get to know narcissists in depth, you'll realize that they slip up more than you think. How do they slip up? These 7 ways will prove exactly where they make fatal errors for that image they've spent years perfecting.
Say goodbye to that mask for a little while!
1. When Being Told No, They Overreact
No isn't an evil word to me. It doesn't trigger me, or make me lose my mind at the audacity of the person saying it. I hear it, I adjust, I move on.
Sure, it might be a little inconvenient at times if I was hoping to see somebody, or needing some help, but I'll quickly get over it and get on with my day.
If you had a sneaking suspicion that the narcissist was unable to do the same, then you'd be right on the money. They hate the word no.
I had a client say no to a weekend trip once. Her partner didn't speak to her for four days, then casually mentioned it again three weeks later mid-argument. Sound familiar?
They hear it, and they will react in one of several ways:
They sulk (careful you don't trip over their bottom lip). They go quiet, so prepare for the silent treatment as your 'punishment.'
They will bring it up days, even weeks later when it suits them. This is just them wanting to win an argument at the time. They will accuse you of betraying them.
They will tell you they shouldn't have asked you in the first place and make you feel guilty for saying no. If this is the case, do not budge. No means no.
Think of it this way, if you are a reasonable sort of person, an ordinary no shouldn't cause any issues, but the size of the narcissist's reaction when you say it is very telling, and it will expose them in the blink of an eye. You've been warned!
2. They Use 'Jokes' To Praise Themselves
I work way too hard for my own good, it's actually embarrassing. I guess I am just far too honest for my own good. I know it's ridiculous, but people keep telling me that I'm intimidating.
Interestingly, if you listen to them long enough, you'll hear the patterns come out over and over again. So self-deprecating but look closely…
…What they're really doing is complimenting themselves, and yeah, with the usual sprinkle of narcissistic modesty that makes you cringe. You can hear the flattering of themselves seeping through, and they are making a joke because there's a hidden agenda there for them to run that ego by you.
I had a client repeat one back to me, word for word. "I'm just too generous, that's my problem." She said it took her two years to clock what he was actually doing.
It's one of those moments where you have to look closely. I know it might seem as though you're hearing somebody just chat away, but you're not. This is a red flag, and is basically the narcissist telling on themselves. Us secure people?
We make jokes, we can laugh at ourselves, and we can joke without the need to big ourselves up at every twist and turn. Laughably, you hear this once, and you will never be able to unhear it again. Yes, guys; narcissists really are that predictable.
3. They Seem To Always Talk About The People They Don't Like
And they really just can't help doing it, it's like it's in their blood or something. Narcissists love to frequently steer their conversations back to somebody they don't like, resent, or are jealous of in some way. My sister is so annoying; she thinks she knows it all.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseI'm so done with her. My boss doesn't seem to want me to have a day off. He used to be my best friend, and I will never get over how he treated me.
I had a client once who counted it. Her partner mentioned the same coworker eleven times in a single dinner. Eleven! She said it was the moment something finally clicked.
You'll note if you ever get caught up being forced to listen to this kind of thing that it is a real obsession.
Think about it; if you're at peace with your life, you wouldn't need to stir trouble every two minutes and bring up your enemies, but a narcissist is never finished with those who wrong them, and that lingering, bitter feeling is never going to go anywhere.
Let this be your warning to you: If you ever meet somebody who doesn't stop complaining about a person in their life, past or present, then something is amiss.
It should be seen as a big red flag, after all, it's rarely the past talking, instead, see it as your own future warning you to steer clear and go try to meet somebody else.
As innocent as you think it might be ("Oh, we're all entitled to a moan and groan every now and then"), this is not the time to give these people the benefit of the doubt.
Narcissists literally expose themselves with these behaviors, and it's up to your intuition to not make excuses for them, and to see them for what they are: toxic.
4. They Notice Attention Others Get Immediately
As funny as it might seem when you learn to spot this look, under the initial humor of it, it's really not that funny at all.
These are people so dysregulated that they can't imagine anybody else on earth getting attention, and when those people do, the narcissist's world implodes right before your eyes. The face will change, and yes, it will be subtle, if you blink you miss it.
But something around the narcissist's cold aura shifts, and this flatness takes over. They may even attempt to redirect the conversation back to themselves, or make some kind of joke that gives them a momentary applause.
I had a client describe it perfectly. She said, "The second her sister got engaged, he started telling a story about his promotion. Nobody asked." Sound familiar?
They're plotting while the other person is shining, and it's rather extraordinary to watch. I mean, most people can easily share a room with somebody else during their moment, but a narcissist finds it one of the most challenging things to do.
It's literally uncomfortable for them as in hundreds of ways, they're being left on the sidelines without anybody so much as glancing their way. When you see this happen, take it as a message to you.
The universe is giving you free information in real time, with the hope you accept it and run for the hills!
5. They Never Apologize, Only Explain
You'll never see a narcissist apologize, all they will give you is some half-assed explanation to try and wriggle their way out of whatever thing they've been cornered by.
The word may slip out, but it's usually accompanied by a self-serving monologue that will get them out of jail for free. "I apologize, okay? However, if you…" "I'm sorry you took it like that…" "Okay fine, I am sorry, but you have to try to understand…"
No. Don't try anything.
A client told me her ex once said, "I'm sorry you feel that way," and she actually thanked him. Years later she realized he never apologized for a thing. Not once.
They did wrong, and they have to own it. If they can't, or excuses are ushered in, then you know the kind of person you're truly dealing with here. It will be like this for as long as you know them, too; nothing will change.
To be redirected by their non-responsibility is to be caught up in somebody unwavering in their obsession with looking innocent and blaming everybody else. Don't let it be you.
6. Watch How They Treat The Waiter
You can tell so much about a person by how they treat the staff serving them. And narcissists? They give themselves away in about thirty seconds flat.
The smile they had for you across the table vanishes the second the waiter walks up. The tone shifts. Suddenly it's clipped, snippy, a little too loud. They click their fingers, or worse, they don't even look up when ordering.
And if something goes wrong? Oh boy. A cold plate becomes a federal incident. "Do you even know who I am?" Yeah, I've actually heard that line. More than once.
Watch their face when the waiter walks away too. The eye roll. The little snide comment under their breath. "God, they're useless."
This is who they are. Not the charming person sitting opposite you. That version is a performance. The way they speak to someone who can't fight back, who has to smile and nod and keep their job, that's the real them leaking out.
Pay attention next time you're out. It tells you everything.
7. That Weird Need To Name-Drop
Have you ever sat across from somebody who can't get through a single story without dropping a name?
"Yeah, when I was talking to the CEO the other day…"
"My friend, who actually went to Harvard, said…"
"Oh, you don't know them? They're kind of a big deal in the industry."
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A SweatIt's exhausting, isn't it? And it's also a giveaway.
Narcissists name-drop because they cannot stand on their own. They need to borrow somebody else's shine to feel like they have any of their own. The bigger the name, the better they feel for about three seconds.
Pay attention to who they mention, too. It's never the kind cashier at the store, or their elderly neighbor. It's always someone with status. Money. A title. Followers.
Normal people don't need to inform you of who they know within the first ten minutes of meeting you. They just talk. About things. About ideas. About their dog.
Narcissists hand you a guest list, hoping you'll be impressed enough not to notice they brought nothing of themselves to the table.
