Intimacy should be a time that suits you both, and it certainly shouldn't be right off the back of one of the worst arguments you've ever had.
As you're sat at the edge of your bed wiping tears from your face, they slide up to you like nothing happened, and they want it.
I've lost count of how many clients have described this exact moment to me. The mascara is still wet on their cheeks, and suddenly there's a hand on their thigh. What?
They're affectionate, they're present, and they are getting closer…
"Maybe they do care," you think. "Maybe I was wrong."
You weren't. They choose the worst moment to get intimate, and here's why.
1 Intimate? Now? REALLY?
I want to tell you a little thing or two about narcissists and intimacy:
Their choice to initiate it is never random. It's never just love bubbling up like it naturally does for you or I, you know, emotionally healthy people. There's a timing to it, and that timing will begin to look even more suspicious when you start to notice it more.
Take the average narcissistic fight, for example. You are just about surviving and getting some energy back, but you've gone a little quiet in the process.
I had a client tell me her ex would try to pull her close mid-argument, whispering, "Come on, don't be like this." She said it felt like being managed, not loved. Grim, isn't it?
You pull away from the narcissist for a little space, but that's when they come and find you. As you say, "I'm done. I can't do this any more," the narcissist is after one thing. They think it'll fix the situation, and make you forget your pain.
They're that egotistical that they think some time of intimacy with them will heal you and make you change your mind.
2 "I haven't stopped thinking about you all day"
Hands up who can admit to falling for this before? I'm not judging you; it's probably a nice thing to hear when you're in love with someone and you hear they've been thinking about you. It's like hearing, "I really love you," but in different words.
It excites you; it gets your attention. This is the kind of thing you've been waiting to hear. It isn't often the narcissist says such nice, kind and warm things. If anything, you appreciate them being honest with you for once.
I had a client whose ex would say this after screaming at her for two hours. She told me, "I wanted to believe him so badly I let it work every single time."
But, is it really honesty? You'll take it without even questioning that at the time, and the narcissist knows this about you.
It won't matter how mad you might be, or how much you are emotionally reeling and drained from the argument that may have just happened; the narcissist is going to reel you in with the right words.
If you paused here, you might dig a little deeper to the actual truth. Why weren't they this close yesterday? When things were calm and you weren't yelling at each other or even being yelled at, where was the niceness?
You wanted to connect then, so why did the narcissist reject you? Those questions are unanswered, but if you could be honest, you'd be able to answer them yourself.
3 Love, or a lever?
When there's a fire, you'd use a fire extinguisher, right? I ask that because I want you to relate it to the way a narcissist uses intimacy. It's the same thing. They use it to put out a fire.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseWhen you are about to disconnect emotionally, the narcissist sees that as a fire. Their aim is to pull you back, and that's what they try to do.
I had a client describe it perfectly. She said, "He only ever touched me like he meant it right before I was about to walk out." Sound familiar?
The second you show you're wobbling is when they give their best version to you in the hope it's reciprocated. This is called intermittent reinforcement, which works by giving the victim what they need, just enough, so they don't go anywhere and fall for it.
They mistake it as genuine care and affection, when really it's a means to an end for the narcissist. They push and pull just enough to give you the bare minimum, when in fact, you deserve far more. It's a powerful psychological hook, and the narcissist knows that.
Warmth feels unpredictable, yet welcome. The victims take that as, "I'm a changed person, and I really do love you."
It's only for now, for the benefit of intimacy on their terms.
4 Every time is the worst time imaginable
I want you to really think back now, and every memory matters. The narcissist: were they ever really affectionate toward you? I want you to think about those random Tuesdays where nothing was wrong, moods weren't particularly high or low. Dinner was fine, there were no issues, what happened then?
What happened when nobody threatened to leave? I would bet that intimacy was always initiated after something awful happened.
It's as if the narcissist can't bear to be dragged into the low moments, and needs that immediate fix to feel better again, that hormonal rush that sends them into overdrive, and you're right there, always willing to provide it. You are the ultimate source of supply.
A client said to me the other week, "He never touched me on a good day. Only after he'd made me cry." And that lands, doesn't it? Every single time.
You go through days of silent treatment, and the narcissist was genuinely cruel to you. As soon as you started to head toward the door, they grabbed you and wanted to be close. You hesitate, and out come the lines:
I just want to be close to you. Why are you acting like you don't want to? Is this really how you want things to be between us?
They can't understand your hesitancy and want to blame you for feeling the way you do, even though you weren't the one who caused it in the first place. You're trying to be soft for them, but you know you're only doing it because they're showing up and wanting you.
For you, that's been your dream throughout this entire relationship.
5 There's no love here, just the purchasing of time
At the end of the day, a narcissist sees intimacy as a form of transaction between you both. They never apply their emotions to what they want, they just see it as a goal worth aiming for, and you are that goal.
They don't feel the love behind the passion they're exuding, it's merely a means to an end for them. For them, what intimacy buys is a little more time with you. It buys your compliance for a bit. It renews your loyalty.
They see you wanting to go, or being upset, and they want you to see that they do mean well, they just need to show you. They think you'll appreciate it as more often than not, victims are looking for affection.
I had a client describe it perfectly. She said, "It's like he could smell me leaving." And the second she softened, he was back to ignoring her within a week.
No sooner have things got back to normal, the narcissist's mood and toxic behavior will also end up that way, too. After all, that's when the threat of you leaving has also left the building, so what worries could they possibly have? The narcissist goes back to being dismissive.
They start to criticize you all over again. And you? You go back to wondering what you did wrong, and trying to figure out how to make it better, until the next time your emotions crash, and they bring you back again with a kiss and offer of something more.
You do nothing wrong every time. The best thing about topics like this is you recognize where it all goes wrong, and how you can break the cycle, finally. Once you learn how to, hang onto that.
6 After a Fight? Suddenly They Want You Close
Wait, what? Ten minutes ago they were screaming at you, calling you every name under the sun, telling you nobody else would ever put up with you.
Now they're at the bedroom door, soft eyes, hand on your back, wanting to "make up."
Make up? We haven't even talked about what just happened!
But that's the thing, isn't it? They don't want to talk. Talking means accountability. Talking means sitting with what they said. Intimacy skips all of that. It jumps straight to "we're fine now" without a single apology passing their lips.
And if you say no? Oh, brace yourself. "So you're going to hold a grudge?" "I thought we were past this." "You never let anything go, do you?"
Suddenly YOU'RE the difficult one for not wanting to be close to the person who was just tearing you apart.
I've had clients tell me they lay there afterwards feeling more alone than they did during the fight. Because at least during the fight, something was honest. This? This was just another way to shut them up.
7 The Reset Button Nobody Asked For
You know when you've been hurt so badly you can't even look at them, and then somehow they're acting like it's all forgotten and reaching for you?
That's the reset button. And nobody asked for it.
You didn't agree that the argument was over. You didn't say, "Right, all sorted, let's move on." They just decided. And intimacy becomes their way of pressing skip on the whole thing.
See also THIS is What Makes Narcissists"Come on, don't be like that." "We're fine, aren't we?"
Fine? Are we? Because two hours ago you were telling me I was worthless.
It's a horrible position to be in, because if you say no, you're the cold one. The one holding a grudge. The one making a big deal out of nothing. If you say yes, you've basically signed off on their behavior.
There's no accountability in it. No apology. No conversation about what actually happened.
Just the physical closeness they want, on their timeline, so they can pretend the whole thing never happened.
And you're left carrying it all by yourself.
