You need to pay attention to the morning after the night before you lay in bed crying all night. You wake up after that hour of sleep with puffy eyes and absolutely no motivation, and who can blame you?
The door suddenly bursts open and in walks the reason you're so sad, the narcissist.
I had a client describe it as walking downstairs and finding a stranger humming while making coffee. Same face, totally different person. Like she'd imagined the whole night. Has that happened to you?
Only they're acting as if nothing happened, and you're left feeling like you're losing your mind. You're not. The narcissist will act as though last night never happened, and here are the reasons why.
1 The whistling
I mean this quite literally, too. The whistling of someone who, the morning after the night they caused so many tears is both infuriating and insensitive. Them acting like nothing happened is typical of a person who doesn't like to talk about drama if they're the target.
They only enjoy it if it's aimed at someone else.
I had a client say to me, "Alexander, he was actually humming in the kitchen. Humming!" Like the whole night before hadn't happened. Wild, isn't it?
Morning, sunshine! Another gorgeous day out there! Meanwhile, your eyes are raw. Your jaw aches from clenching it all night. This is not the way you wanted your day to start.
2 Breakfast talk
Did we use the last of the jam? Do you know if we need to get more coffee today? This bread is delicious.
One client told me she actually answered him. "Yeah, we need coffee." Then she sat there hating herself for the rest of the day. Because what else could she say?
Again, the denial these phrases bring is intense, but on top of that, they're making these other observations that really don't matter at that moment. You feel flummoxed; how is the narcissist being so nonchalant when it took all your energy to get up and get dressed this morning?
Victims find themselves nodding along, wanting to keep this peace, and the narcissist loves that because they don't get to be blamed for anything. It's no wonder they feel like they've got nothing left.
3 Making plans for the weekend
This is a harsh one, as it overlooks the entire night but with a sweetness that victims seldom reject, and that's what can hurt them deep down.
And honestly? The plans are usually something they wanted to do anyway. Brunch at their favorite place, a hike they've been talking about. You're just along for the ride.
It's basically like saying,
"Hey, I made you cry last night and I enjoyed seeing you so upset, but I'll make it up to you Saturday before I do it all again Monday night."
They're cheerful, almost childish plans they know won't thrill you, but you find yourself going along with them because it seems lighter than getting into the whys for the night before.
4 Joking around
A joke, a wink, a tease, a tickle. What does the narcissist think they're doing? Someone looks like they slept in a hedge all night!
One client told me hers actually laughed and said, "Wow, rough night? You look like death." She'd cried for six hours. Six. And that was his opener. Can you imagine?
Comments that are aimed at you like this are meant for one thing only: twisting the knife into a very already wounded person. The narcissist knows they're doing this, and that's why they love to watch your reaction as those words fall out of their mouths.
As if it weren't bad enough that you were left to sob into your pillow all night, now you're being teased about it. Welcome to the world of narcissists.
See also The Creepy Things Narcissists Do When They Are Alone
5 No words, just blame
The narcissist can try their best to make it seem as though they're moving on, and they do so without apologizing or being too over the top.
They cheerfully try to talk about their day ahead, and when you don't respond because your entire nervous system is shattered and doesn't know which way is up, they give off a little sigh. What's them after with you this morning?
If you jump back in, they accuse you of stirring drama.
I had a client tell me her ex would whistle while making coffee the morning after a screaming match. She said the whistling hurt almost more than the night before did.
If you say you're fine, they get away with it while you continue to feel terrible. There is no way out of this, and so you find yourself saying sorry for being quiet. You carry on with the day pretending to be okay. That's what your life has become.
6 They roll their eyes
When someone rolls their eyes at you, what do you initially think? I'm a pain in the ass. I am saying something this other person doesn't like. I am not liked. I'm in the way.
One client told me her ex rolled his eyes and muttered, "Here we go again." She'd been crying because he called her worthless the night before. Here we go again?
My feelings don't matter. Yeah, I'd say that would be the impression people who roll their eyes at you often enough will give off. A narcissist rolling their eyes at your puffy eyes really isn't seeing you as a person, they're seeing you as an annoyance.
It's like they want you to think you're this person who gets hung up on what they deem the little things, even though they're big things. It's all a way to gaslight you and make you think you're this sensitive, unreasonable person who just looks a mess.
What they're not doing is seeing why you look that way, or going to any lengths to address their part in it.
7 When you try to talk about it, they accuse you of refusing to let it go
Can we talk about last night? What about it? I just want to know what happened. I got really upset. Yeah. Probably because you just can't let things go and use sleep as a rest like I can.
One client told me her ex actually said, "You're addicted to drama, that's why you can't sleep." Meanwhile he was the one who kept her up crying. The audacity, right?
I just want to talk. Well, I don't want to regurgitate the past, so it's being left in yesterday. I get frustrated even just writing these short conversations out because I know that for so many of you, this is your reality.
Wanting to talk about it shouldn't be a problem, in fact, if you were upset, your partner should want to know why and how to fix it, so that the problem doesn't happen time and time again. Without that, it will happen on repeat.
That's what the narcissist wants; to keep inviting drama into your life so that you crumble and erode by the day. Watching you cry is no big deal to them, but seeing you be upset the morning after or dare to discuss it is where they will draw the line.
8 They hug you like they just met you
Hey! How are you doing? It's nice to see you! I'm sorry, what? You've been in this terrible excuse for a relationship for 18 months now, and the narcissist is acting like they just met you in a bar?
I had a client describe it perfectly. She said, "He hugged me like I was a coworker he hadn't seen in a while." Meanwhile she'd cried until 4am. Can you imagine?
What is this? This is walking away from the emotional bomb they dropped the night before, and making out like it either didn't happen, or was no big deal.
You're wondering what on earth to say or do; you feel like you've lost your mind, but the narcissist just carries on without a care in the world. That's because they want you to abide by their rules and narrative. Nothing here to see, nothing here to complain about.
9 They ask you if you're over yourself yet
Yep. Apparently last night was all your fault, and the narcissist is coming to see if you've 'calmed down yet and gotten over it.'
Why is that? Why can't they just take the blame for once and decide to be accountable for their behavior? Probably because they want to gaslight you into thinking you were the problem and not them.
I had one client whose ex actually said, "Are you done with your little tantrum?" She'd been awake until 4am. He'd slept like a baby. Can you imagine?
That way, you can at least apologize for something you didn't do, and try to make it up to them for the rest of the day. The narcissist therefore gets away with everything plus they get to see you beg plus they get treated well. Sound fair to you?
I didn't think so.
10 The 'You Look Tired' Comment
Oh, this one. This one really gets me.
You've barely slept. Your eyes are puffy, your face feels like it's been through a washing machine, and you're just trying to get through breakfast without losing it again.
And then it comes. That little glance up from their phone, all casual, "Wow, you look tired."
Excuse me?
They know exactly why you look tired. They were there. They caused it. They watched you sob into a pillow until 3am, and now they're playing the concerned observer like they just walked in on a stranger.
It's such a sneaky little move because on the surface, it sounds like care. But it isn't. It's a reminder. It's them saying, "Look at the state of you," without taking a single ounce of responsibility for putting you in that state.
And if you push back? "I was just saying! Geez, can't even give you a compliment."
A compliment. Sure.
I've heard this one from clients more times than I can count, and it always lands the same way. Small dagger, big message.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House11 Suddenly They're Everyone's Favorite Person
You wake up puffy eyed, barely able to function, and what are they doing? Texting their mom. Calling a friend. Being suddenly very charming to the neighbor over the fence.
You hear them laughing. Actual laughing! After the night you've just had.
And it's not random. This is them performing. They want everyone to see what a warm, lovely, sociable person they are, because deep down they know something happened last night and they need to bury it under a layer of good PR.
I had a client tell me her ex spent the morning baking cookies for a coworker's birthday after he'd kept her up till 4am screaming at her. Cookies! She said she stood in the kitchen watching him hum, and genuinely wondered if she'd imagined the whole night.
You haven't imagined it. You know what happened.
It's just that the version of them everyone else gets to see is a completely different human from the one who tore you apart at midnight. And that gap, that's the loneliest part of all of this, isn't it?
