You've been drained for months, maybe even years. You've cried, begged them to listen to you, and explained yourself until you're blue in the face. When it feels as though you've nothing left, you're at the point where you're almost gone from the relationship.
The more you pull back, something starts to shift.
I had a woman email me last month saying, "Alexander, he's never been this kind, ever. What's going on?" And my heart sank, because I knew exactly what was going on.
Suddenly, the narcissist is reaching out more, calling, texting and saying all those things you've been wanting to hear for so long. Why the change? Is it your imagination? No, it isn't. This is what it is.
1 There's a shift that may surprise you
All the while you're with the narcissist, complying with their demands, obeying their rules, and silently living with their abuse, you'll plod along without seeing any changes. Something interesting happens the second you decide you want to leave. Not just decide, but act as if that's the direction you're walking.
It's right at that moment the narcissist senses the change you've avoided displaying until now, and something within them activates. This activation has nothing to do with love. They don't suddenly realize what a great person is walking away from their life while they fight to keep them.
It's about supply. When you've decided to go, the narcissist panics.
I had a client describe it perfectly. She said, 'The day I started looking at apartments, he could feel it. I hadn't said a word, but he knew.' Spooky, isn't it?
It's a real fear, but one that derives from the fear of being without all those things you supply them with on a daily basis:
Your tears when they upset you. Your eggshell walking when they deliberately go silent on you. You yell after they've cornered you and baited you into reacting (known as reactive abuse).
You change dresses because the narcissist smirked and raised their eyebrow at what you originally put on for that party. The way you beg them to talk when they retreat and reject supporting you emotionally through something challenging.
You have been their direct source of attention for as long as they've known you. You've offered all the attention they've needed, even without realizing so.
Your power is handed to the narcissist each and every time they call for it, and now you walking away means you're threatening all of it. Not just one aspect, but all of it.
2 The love-bombing makes an (un) surprising return
Cue the early days making their comeback! That's what you've been waiting for, right? You want to see the narcissist be that person they were to you when you first met. The charming person who is attentive to your needs.
The wonderful lover who makes you all the promises under the sun. The soulmate who provides you with the safety and respect you only ever really see in tiny bursts when it suits them.
I had a client tell me, the morning after she said she was leaving, he showed up with flowers and tickets to Rome. Rome! After three years of telling her she was lazy. Can you believe it?
It's as if you're now getting that chance you wanted to live a happy relationship. It won you over when you met, but now it feels even better because you spent so long being starved of it.
The narcissist knows here that any performance they put on will make you sit down and watch the entire show. They know results will come in that they want, you to stay and regret even thinking about leaving.
It's unsurprising that love-bombing occurs when a narcissist senses you almost out the door. They think if they could just do the thing, say the words, place their arm over your shoulder and whisper sweet nothings in your ear, that all the abuse in between will have been forgotten.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseNow's the time for you to see the game that's being played, and how your part in it prolongs the abusive relationship.
3 Your brain is programmed to react
I know what you're thinking:
But when I try to leave and they show me this loving side, it's so hard to want to then walk away. So, you stay, right? You see it as an opportunity for the narcissist to make amends, build on their good behavior, and start treating you differently.
You wanted it for so long. It's what you've hoped for, and with one foot out the door, they show you they're willing, and able. This is a cycle that flits from pain to relief pretty quickly, and will be everything you want in that moment.
Our bodies don't like pain, it likes to be rewarded with feeling good, and the narcissist knows that.
I had a client say to me, "Alexander, the second he started crying and saying he'd change, my whole body just went limp. I forgot every reason I was leaving." That's the hook right there.
It's why this works. All the trauma in your nervous system has been bonded to believe the narcissist is the one for you, your soulmate.
Leaving them doesn't feel natural as it is, but when you see them become this person you've been craving, it will make leaving all the more difficult.
As your body responds to that warmth before your mind has a chance to catch up, that's what makes their sudden change so convincing. You don't think, you just respond to what's in front of you. Right in that second, it'll be the person of your dreams.
It's never that simple though, is it?
4 The narcissist's change proves it was only ever about control
A narcissist has a choice in how they treat you. It is a choice, even if you think people are just how they are. That's an excuse. Right is right, and wrong is wrong. They choose to treat you this toxically.
They choose to yell, to scream, to mock, to punish, to accuse. If it wasn't a choice, they'd just be horrible to everybody all the time.
I had a client tell me her ex was charming with the cashier, then snapped at her in the car two minutes later. Same person, same day. That's choice, isn't it?
Out in the street, at work, with their friends, relatives and you, no matter where you were. There would be no control, and that's very telling in itself.
Knowing that, it becomes obvious that the narcissist could have been nice to you all along, yet chose to have you as their next victim. The relationship was, and never will be about, what you needed.
It was only ever about what you could provide for them, and how willing you were to abandon yourself as a result. When you're on your way out the door, that change is only to keep you there, not to show any real remorse in their behavior.
You stay, so does the pattern.
5 Temporary? Always!
I don't even want to say it almost always. It's always. The narcissist sees you returning, and that change will shift back to who they really are. The warmth they try to prove they have will fade, and you'll be right back to square one.
They will start to resent you just in the way they always did. The cycle kicks in. You don't imagine the good times, though. They do exist, but only when there's something in it for the narcissist.
I had a client say to me, "Within a week of me unpacking my suitcase, he was back to calling me useless." One week. That's the shelf life of their change.
As much as you aren't imagining the fragments of good, you aren't imagining the majority of the hell they put you through. The question is: which truth do you want to believe in? Which one do you build your future on? You already know the answer.
That's why you're here reading this. Don't let the fact that you want to leave fool you into believing you're making a wrong choice. It's all for a reason, and the narcissist knows you well enough to know how you'll respond to their shift. Reject it.
6 The Sudden Apology That Comes Out of Nowhere
You've never heard them say sorry. Not properly. Not in all the years you've known them. And suddenly, here it comes, flying at you out of thin air.
"I'm sorry for everything. I really mean it this time."
Wait, what?
Look, I'm not saying apologies are a bad thing. They're lovely when they're real. But a narcissist who has spent years telling you that you were the problem, the difficult one, the one who needed to change, doesn't just wake up one Tuesday and decide to own it all.
Something tipped them off. They noticed your bag half packed, or the way you stopped arguing back, or that look in your eye that says you're already gone in your head.
So they panic. And the apology gets pulled out like a last resort tool they've been saving for an emergency.
Ask yourself, does the apology come with any actual change? Or is it just words designed to keep you sat exactly where you are?
You know the answer.
7 Watch Out for the Flying Monkeys
If their charm offensive doesn't work, expect reinforcements. Suddenly your phone lights up with messages from their sister, their best friend, even that one mutual you barely spoke to.
"Have you really thought this through?"
"They're in such a bad place right now, you know."
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A Sweat"I've never seen them like this. They really do love you."
Funny, isn't it? Where were all these concerned voices when you were the one falling apart?
Flying monkeys are the narcissist's last line of defense. When they can't reach you directly, they send other people to do the emotional heavy lifting. And most of these people genuinely believe they're helping, because they're only hearing one side of the story. The narcissist's side, naturally.
Don't get drawn into explaining yourself. You don't owe anybody a court case. A simple, "I appreciate your concern, but this is between us," is more than enough.
And if they keep pushing? That tells you whose team they're really on, doesn't it?
