You are enjoying a day of peace long after the narcissist discarded you. Suddenly, your phone lights up, and there he is all over again. You are so not ready for another round of hell, but what is it that brings them back?
I had a client message me in a total panic last month, saying, "Alexander, he's back. It's been eight months. Why now?" And honestly? I wasn't even a little bit surprised.
Why is he thinking of you potentially months after he threw you in the trash and moved on? When they discard, it's never really the end, not for them anyway. There are situations that make them want you back, and here's why they do it, one by one.
1 You no longer fall apart
The ego of a narcissist is so big that they think you'll fall apart the minute they discard you. It's widely assumed by these people that you just won't be able to cope without them, and so they watch and wait.
When you don't, it becomes a head scratch for them.
I had a client tell me her ex messaged three months in with, "You look different. Are you okay?" She was more than okay. She was free, and he could smell it.
You're not sitting on your couch in your bathrobe pining for a time that has come and gone. You're not begging for communication or listening to sad songs; you're actually looking very well and blossoming into someone who has developed a brand new sense of self.
That will ruin the narcissist, and knowing you are doing so well, they will naturally want you back to see if they can have a second chance at ruining you.
2 The narcissist's new supply turned out to be an actual person
The narcissist's new supply was perfect at first. She was quiet and agreeable, but after a time, it turned out…
…She is an actual person! She had needs, she had desires. She had opinions. The narcissist won't like it, and suddenly reality will hit them like a jolt out of the universe. She isn't you.
One client told me her ex called crying because his new girlfriend asked him to split the bills. Split the bills! The audacity of her having, you know, standards.
You mean, she isn't as passive as you? Suddenly, there seems to be a second thought, a regret, a text that reaches you as the one who is more ideal than the present relationship they're in. You absorbed all their abuse, and now you're no longer around.
Missing that means the narcissist is missing out on the control they really want to hone over someone. Remember, they discarded you, and now you're building this better life for yourself. Do you really want to put a stop to that because they aren't comfortable?
You shouldn't even be giving them the time of day.
3 Someone's Watching
There are people who will naturally be flocking around you as the good person with positive energy that you are. You're literally loved by so many, and the narcissist has now stepped back far enough to start to see that for themselves. They don't like it.
While they don't love you, they will turn it into a good thing by reaching out to you and telling you how good you look and seem, and how your new life suits you.
As much as it pains them, they want to use that audience around you to pump you up and make you feel good about yourself.
I had a client message me saying, "He suddenly cared about my promotion, my new friends, everything." Where was that interest before? Nowhere. It's not admiration, it's audit.
In reality, they're reasserting their belief that you need those people in order to feel good, and that you can't possibly feel it without them. I'm sad to say, many fall for this. I don't want that to be you.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseIf you can get over the creepy approach by them to weave their way back in through inflating your self-esteem, then you've allowed them to be in control of it at all. That in itself should ring those alarm bells.
4 They're alone and bored
Being alone and bored is a narcissist's way of conjuring up whatever they feel they want to do next that will make life interesting for them. It sounds small, but a narcissist being alone is quite a danger.
Through their boredom, they will suddenly remember you, and that has nothing to do with the fact that they care, but rather how much of their time you used to fill.
I had a client message me at 11pm saying, "He just sent me a heart emoji after eight months of nothing." That's not love, that's a Tuesday night with no plans.
So they reach out, and if done correctly and with enough charm, it can lure people back. I don't want that for you, so this is a warning to look out for the kind of behavior that seems genuine, but is only a stop gap because they're so bored.
You're better than that, and with the knowledge that this is what a narcissist is capable of, you can sidestep their advances and remain free.
5 You're starting to succeed
Success, finally! You were discarded, which at the time would've felt like a searing pain through your chest. In actual fact, it was the foundation for everything else to come.
You've built a business from scratch, you've started up your hobbies again, you've made new friends and reconnected with old ones; you're making something of yourself. It's high time, but as the narcissist sees you becoming whole again, they will want to get back and rip you apart like before.
I had a client tell me her ex slid back in with, "I always knew you'd do amazing things." Funny, because when she was doing them, he mocked every single one.
Do you want to end up right back where you started? No. Stay away, let them want you back, but remember that it has nothing to do with loving you and being remorseful. If that were the case, it would've kicked in long before now.
Your success is a jealousy of the narcissist's, and seeing you happy is a pain they want to change. Don't let them.
6 They hear you met someone new
Oh yeah? Someone new you can fall in love with and pay all your attention to, huh? Someone who loves you and wants a genuine future with you, and who cares about you deeply? A narcissist won't like that at all.
And the worst part is, they don't even love you, they just want to own you. They want to be in charge of your feelings, and the fact that you're giving them to another person fills them with dread.
I had one client whose ex sent a "just checking in" message the exact week she made her new relationship public online. Coincidence? Not a chance.
I know what you're thinking; they discarded you. You're right. They don't want you, but they don't want anyone else to have you either. Go make sense of that!
The amount of people who give up on a healthy, new partner to return to the scene of the toxic crimes that they endured are way too many for my liking. It's high time we all aligned with people who see our worth, and are worth loving.
7 When they left you, you took something the narcissist thought they owned
I don't know what that might look like for you, but it can be anything from the dog you had to the group of friends who chose to side with you. Maybe it was the story the narcissist tried to control with lies, but the truth prevailed.
The narcissist will have seen no value in any of that while you were together, but the moment you parted ways (the narcissist discarded you), they suddenly wanted to talk. It isn't talking, it's an attempt to renegotiate.
I had a client tell me the narcissist called about the dog. The dog! Not her, not the kids, the dog. Because that was the piece he thought he still owned.
Allowing them in means you're allowing their attempt to get you back again, or at least become a part of your life in some way. Refuse it with everything you can. This is one time your boundaries matter the most. They matter as much as you do.
8 A Special Date Rolls Around and Suddenly They Remember You Exist
Anniversaries. Birthdays. That weekend away you used to take every year. The song that was "yours."
Suddenly, out of nowhere, your phone lights up. "Hey stranger, thinking of you today."
Thinking of you? Please. They're thinking of themselves and how empty the date feels without you filling in the emotional blanks.
Narcissists don't hold memories the way you and I do. They don't sit with the tender ache of a shared moment. What they feel on these dates is more like an itch.
A reminder that they used to have access to somebody who made them feel something, and now they don't.
So they reach out. A message. A photo of the two of you from three years ago. "Can't believe it's been this long."
They're hoping you'll respond warmly. They're hoping the date does the emotional heavy lifting they never could.
Don't fall for it. The calendar didn't bring them back to you because of love. It brought them back because they were bored, and the date gave them an excuse.
9 You Stopped Reacting to the Breadcrumbs
You know the breadcrumbs I'm talking about. The random "hey stranger" text. The like on a photo from four years ago. The birthday message that arrives a day late so it looks casual.
For a while, those little crumbs used to send you into a spiral, didn't they? You'd screenshot them, show your friends, sit up half the night wondering what it meant.
And then one day, you just… didn't.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsYou saw the notification, and nothing happened inside you. No flutter, no dread, no urge to reply. You carried on making your coffee.
That, right there, is what pulls them back in harder than anything else. Because breadcrumbs are a test. They're throwing something small out to see if you'll come running. When you don't? Panic.
Suddenly the crumbs get bigger. A whole message. Then a call. Then, "I've been thinking about you a lot lately."
They're not missing you. They're missing the reaction. And when you stop giving it, they have to escalate to feel anything back.
Let them escalate into thin air.
