Ooh, can you hear those knees knocking together? That might be the nervous narcissist buckling under their anxiety in the corner of the room. Before I care a single bit, I want to assure you that yes, narcissists do get nervous.
I had a client describe her ex pacing the kitchen because somebody at work questioned his decision. Pacing! Over one comment. That's how thin the armor really is.
Believe it or not, their ego might be huge, but it's incredibly fragile. They fall apart at the presence of these 8 things in their life, and it's interesting to get to know exactly why. Like I always say; knowledge is power.
Now's a good chance to acquire some, are you ready?
1. A Person Who Doesn't React
If you were privy to a glance into the narcissist's toolkit, you'll see exactly what they use to provoke you. They've got arguments, conflict, begging, defending, apologizing, over-explaining, worrying, tears and general pain all a grab away.
Every single one of them is useful to the narcissist, and they love knowing that it's a fuel that works. Something very interesting happens when none of these tools work though. You stay calm, you don't react, you answer in incredibly short, clean sentences.
You're polite, yet distanced, and you certainly don't chase or beg. This is hell for the narcissist. What's happening?! Why can't they get you to burst or snap?
I had a client describe it perfectly. She said, "Alexander, I just kept saying 'okay' and 'noted' and watched him completely unravel." That's the power of a flat response, isn't it?
Their nervousness is palpable, and they will start poking harder at you to try to get those responses to come to life. If that doesn't work, they will come at you with a different angle instead, or be even more cruel to see if it will trigger you.
None of it works, and their smile tightens. You can see the racing thoughts between their overly-blinking eyes. Their change in tone will tell you everything you need to know about your control, and their lack of. Guys, it's all down to powerlessness.
There's nothing they can do, and nothing they can do to hide it, either. I say keep being you! This is clearly working in your favor.
2. Not Being The Most Interesting Person In The Room
Some rooms aren't built to withstand the ego and attitude of a narcissist. Some rooms like to present everybody who gets along well, and doesn't look for, or need a narcissistic epicenter. There's a group over by the window who are laughing at a story being told.
Somebody has arrived with big and exciting news they want to share. A conversation is flowing happily without the narcissist controlling it. Oh, it's a nerve wracking time alright.
I had a client describe this exact scene at a wedding. Her ex kept refilling his drink, kept trying to interrupt, kept failing. She said watching him deflate was better than the cake.
The narcissist tries to pull some attention from the room, but is unable to. They want to share their even bigger story because they think it will create a magnet of eyes looking their way, but that doesn't work.
You might see them briefly disappear and return with a new energy they've had to lay on themselves. Yes, even those few minutes they realize there's a room collectively bigger than them will send them into a nervous spiral they can't control.
These people spend their entire lives trying to avoid feeling this way, unfortunately, they can't always avoid it. Boo hoo for them, right?
3. A Confident Yet Quiet Person Who Knows A Lot About A Lot
If you're loud and competitive, the average narcissist will love you. If you're easy to engage, they will love you even more. This is the kind of person they know how to play, and bounce off.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseWhat makes them nervous is quiet people, because the narcissist is left to try to guess them, from their thoughts to their intentions. Quiet people are harder to read, and they're mostly intelligent people who don't have anything to prove.
Listening more than you talk is a type of art, and one that doesn't get rattled in dramatic situations, in fact, quite the opposite. What else do quiet people have about them? If I said they can't be charmed, what do you think that'd mean for the narcissist?
I had a client once who barely said five words at a dinner party, and her narcissistic brother in law was sweating by dessert. He kept asking, "What's she thinking?" Hilarious, isn't it?
Yep! They find their usual tricks are wasted on these people, I mean, what's the point? If they don't call for smiles and compliments, then it's a waste of time, right? For the narcissist, this is nervous central!
They feel small under these conditions, and it's all because somebody is authentically confident, rather than performing it. It's the kind of temperament that stays the same, no matter what goes on around them.
Confident people don't react, because they're so comfortable with themselves they know that doing so is futile. They know a lot about a lot, and it's enough to set off the nerves of any narcissist.
4. Not Winning
A narcissist losing, on their own turf? How heavily they misunderstood and underestimated this person! That's down to the fact that every narcissist doesn't ever imagine being overshadowed by somebody else.
They don't sit around believing that anyone exists on a higher, stronger plain than them, and so it's a shock when they don't win. By 'winning,' I mean how they always position themselves to get those small victories.
A little competition they've created in their heads, and it won't matter where that is; home or work.
I had a client whose narcissist husband lost a game of Monopoly to their ten year old and didn't speak to the kid for three days. Over Monopoly. Can you imagine?
There becomes this jam that is uneasy for them to cope with, and it's really problematic. It sends nervous shivers down their spine when so unexpectedly, they realize they are unable to voice their disdain.
If they did, the fact they saw whatever the moment was as a competition would be made public, and it'd make them look even more stupid. Watch right for when the narcissist's mood and energy shifts, and right there you will visibly be able to see their nervousness.
They care only about coming out on top. They don't care about anything else.
5. Any Prolonged Silence They Didn't Invent
A narcissist's favorite thing to do is control silence. It is treated like a weapon, because ultimately, it's all they feel they have. The silent treatment will make any person who falls into the trap feel nervous, but what about if they can't control it?
What if they are on the receiving end of somebody not responding to them?
One client told me her ex sent fourteen messages in two days, ending with, "Fine, I guess you're just gonna ignore me forever?" She didn't reply. He sent a fifteenth.
That is when you see a real change in their character, and it can actually be quite hilarious. If a narcissist didn't create the silence, then that silence makes them very on edge.
It won't matter if you're a relative or friend; if you've moved on and stopped engaging, they will feel as though you've disappeared on them, so they fill it with trying to hoover you, or send that long message that will inevitably make you sigh.
Don't fall for their excuses to reach out, all they're doing is to try and get control of something you're handling very well. Let them be nervous.
6. Any Evidence
The biggest one of all: evidence! I mean any kind, from screenshots to voice recordings, from emails with times on them to an invoice or letter in the mail.
It's all a panic-inducing time when they realize you own them, and you can disclose them to anybody who doubts their experience.
I had a client once who saved every single voice note in a hidden folder. The day she played one back to his sister? His face went white. Sound familiar?
As much as a narcissist loves to gaslight, they only do so successfully when they know there are no facts to back them up. They can't argue with a message that you have kept. The mask will slip and, yes, you got it, they struggle to contain those nerves!
7. Someone Who Asks Too Many Questions
There's nothing a narcissist hates more than a curious mind. You know, the person who doesn't just nod and accept what they're told. The one who tilts their head and goes, "Wait, what? Run that by me again?"
Questions force them to think on their feet, and their stories aren't built for that kind of pressure. They're built for an audience that swallows everything whole.
So when somebody starts asking, "But you said last week it was Tuesday?" or, "Hang on, I thought you didn't know them?" you can almost see the cogs turning. The pause. The little laugh. The "Why are you interrogating me?" deflection.
Because that's what they do. They turn the question back on you. Suddenly you're the weird one for wanting clarity. Familiar?
Questions are dangerous to a narcissist because they reveal the cracks. The inconsistencies. The bits they hoped you'd forget about.
So if you're someone who genuinely just wants to understand things properly, congratulations. You're their nightmare without even trying.
8. A Witness They Didn't See Coming
Picture this. The narcissist is mid rant, in full flow, tearing into you in what they think is a private corner of the world. The kitchen. The car park. That quiet bit of the restaurant near the bathrooms.
And then they look up.
Someone is standing there. Maybe a friend of yours. Maybe a colleague. Maybe just a stranger who happened to walk in at exactly the wrong moment for them, and exactly the right moment for you.
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A SweatOh, the panic! You can almost see it crawl up their neck.
Because now there's a witness. A real one. Someone who saw the mask off, who heard the tone, who watched them speak to you like that.
And they can't undo it, can they? They can't gaslight a stranger into thinking it didn't happen. They can't tell that person, "You're being too sensitive."
Watch them scramble. Watch the voice soften mid sentence. Watch the smile snap back on like nothing happened.
Too late. Somebody saw. And that knowledge alone will keep them nervous for weeks.
