I received a message not too long ago from somebody who wanted to know why the narcissist wanted to marry them, and there were 8 words that really stuck out for me:
He doesn't even act like he likes me. I get it, I really do.
And that message has stayed with me because it captures the whole thing, doesn't it? They marry you, but they don't even seem to want you around. Weird, right?
No narcissist acts like they like the partner they're with, and even though they have the freedom to leave, they still hang around, acting as though they are nothing but inconvenienced.
Today is about those reasons why narcissists get married, and none of them have anything to do with love.
1 You make them appear to be normal
I remember his mother just crying at our wedding. She was so happy, and told me she was so happy he'd finally found someone good. The word finally was the red flag waving in the air frantically.
The fact is you were nothing but a costume, and your bridal dress was the symbol of that. The narcissist got to have all those people around him on the day, from friends to old bosses and school friends.
They were all present on the day he wanted to celebrate this 'love' between you.
That word, finally, said everything, didn't it? His family had been holding their breath for years, and you walked in and gave them permission to exhale.
You see, you make them look normal. You make them seem like they're someone who wants to be with him, and that's the most normal they feel. Everybody else gets married and lives happily ever after, and nobody suspects them as being some kind of abuser. This is no different.
Without you around, people were questioning his ability to settle down and keep a girlfriend, and now here he is with a wife. If that doesn't stop the whispering, I don't know what will.
2 They wanted you under their lock and key
Not five minutes after you met, the narcissist was telling you things like:
I can't imagine a single day without you. It's funny, because when you met you were under consideration for that huge job offer or promotion that meant you'd be flying high, travelling the world for work.
Suddenly, he's down on one knee, making promises to spend the rest of his life with you. That ring is a sign to tell everyone else to back off. It's like a dog collar, only one that sparkles so you don't suspect the control behind it.
It tells everyone else to back off, and now it's on your finger, it's going to be hard to push them away at all, even if you want to.
He knows exactly what he's doing, and keeping you under lock and key is his way of marking his territory, making sure your dreams are no longer chased, and that you solely live for the marriage ahead of you, and nothing else.
I had a client say to me, "He proposed after six weeks, and I remember thinking that was romantic." It wasn't romantic. It was a rush job. Sound familiar?
It's where many women end up stuck, and years go by before they realize they were lured into this dynamic. There was so much I wanted to do. I had it all, and just ended up doing nothing but laundry and cooking.
The narcissist is happy, as they get all the job offers they want, while you live under the control of their pay check, and you aren't allowed to spend a fraction of it without permission.
Of course, you won't know that as you are exchanging your vows, you'll just think you're in a real life fairytale. That fairytale was a guise to get you hooked, and it worked. The love you thought was there was never even slightly alive.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseI know it hurts to read, but the truth has to be what sets you free eventually.
3 You're a commodity to them
We're a team, you and me. Why is that? Probably because the narcissist saw you, saw what you brought into the relationship, and knew they wanted to be in it because they wanted a slice of it.
Marrying you was like winning the jackpot; your salary was sweet, and your mortgage was practically paid off already.
I had a client whose husband cleared her savings within eighteen months, then told her, "You should be grateful I taught you how to budget." Grateful. Can you imagine?
What a dream person to find! Within a few years, your marriage will look like you have barely two dimes to rub together, while the narcissist has spent it all and feels great about it.
You were always going to be that kind of use to them, but initially when you met, you truly believed it was love that brought you together. If we can all see what the narcissist really wants, we would save ourselves the heartache, wouldn't we?
4 It was out of boredom
I know it's a hurtful one to have to read, but I want you to process it all the same, as it still counts. Narcissists get bored, and when life is stagnant, they look for the first thing to overhaul it completely.
Dating got predictable for them, and their family probably started asking questions. Why don't your relationships ever stick? The narcissist wants that shiny event now, to change it all up.
I had a client whose narcissist ex literally said, "I just needed something exciting to plan." She thought he meant a honeymoon. He meant the whole wedding. Ouch, right?
They want a little goal to work toward, and it gives them something to plan. Yes, your wedding is treated like a fun party they can pull together. Now the day comes, and they're toasted, congratulated, and spend the entire day being the center of attention.
For a good few months after, people were still reaching out to the narcissist, telling them what a great day it was and blah, blah, blah. It's a boredom reliever, don't you think?
Sad to say, none of it actually had anything to do with loving you and wanting to spend the rest of your lives together, it was only ever about looking good and finding a way to curb the boredom that had crept into their life.
5 You had one foot out the door
Wait! Before you go, why don't we talk about getting married? It may be that you didn't even realize you were on your way out, but the narcissist sensed it. They could feel your pull, and rather than let you go, they wanted to hold onto you and keep you.
I had a client tell me her narcissist proposed the morning after she'd looked at apartments on her lunch break. She hadn't said a word to him. He just knew.
After all, you're a great source of supply, and losing you would mean losing all of that. After that fight, after that period of quiet, they jumped in and made the suggestion.
For you, you get the proof they love you, and for them, they get you signing under that dotted line. Marriage: the ultimate contract.
6 They wanted kids to keep you attached forever
Kids are the one addition to the narcissistic dynamic that leaves a foundation of permanence with it. Once you've had children with a narcissist, you're forever tied together, so even if your marriage doesn't work out, you will still have that solid connection.
Marriage is that perfect bridge to getting those kids and starting that family for them. You can't just leave when you want.
I had a client tell me her ex literally said, "Once we have kids, you'll never really leave." She thought it was romantic at the time. Chilling in hindsight, isn't it?
You share them, and you share responsibility. In fact, guess whose name is going on that birth certificate? You guessed it! No narcissist really wants to be a parent, they just want to tick off the list that they've achieved what normal people achieve, so they seem normal, too.
This has nothing to do with love; this is more to do with controlling their image.
7 The Ring Was Really a Trophy
You didn't know it at the time, but that ring? It wasn't about you. It wasn't some symbol of eternal devotion or a promise sealed with meaning.
It was a trophy. And you were the one carrying it around for them.
Think about how they showed it off. The engagement post that was more about them than you. The way they told the story of the proposal, but somehow they were the star of it. "I planned everything. I spent months on this. I picked the perfect ring."
You? You were the person lucky enough to receive their generosity. That's how they framed it, isn't it?
Narcissists collect things that make them look good. A ring on your finger says, "Look what I secured. Look what I own."
And the more expensive, the flashier, the more Instagrammable, the better. Because it's never really about the meaning behind it. It's about the reaction it gets from everybody else.
The ring was a status update. You were the accessory. Cold, but true.
8 Marriage Means You Can't Leave Easily, Right?
Oh, they've thought this one through. Marriage isn't just a piece of paper to a narcissist, it's a lock on the door.
Because once you're legally tied to them, leaving becomes messy, expensive and exhausting. And they know it. They're banking on it.
Think about it. You want out? Now there are lawyers involved. Assets to split. Maybe a house. Maybe kids. Maybe pensions and joint accounts and a whole tangled web of admin they can drag out for years if they feel like it.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsAnd believe me, they feel like it.
I've had clients tell me, "I stayed two extra years because I couldn't face what leaving would actually mean." And that right there? That's the trap working exactly the way the narcissist designed it.
They love the friction. They love that you have to fight for your freedom instead of just walking out the front door.
To them, marriage is insurance. It's a guarantee that even when you finally wake up and want to leave, you'll think twice.
And sometimes, sadly, a third and fourth time too.
