You did everything you could to get it right. From the good grades to staying quiet without even being asked. As the child of a narcissist, you will have learned to read their moods from an age you should have been out playing in the yard.
One client told me she could tell from the sound of the front door closing what kind of evening she was in for. She was eight. Eight!
As you twisted yourself to be whatever shape you needed to be safe on a particular day, it was still never enough. Here's the secret though: It was never about being enough. It was about the narcissistic parent getting what they want from you. Today is all about that.
1 One and the same: no individuality allowed
If you've been unfortunate enough to have been raised by a narcissistic parent, I want to let you know that there are more of you out there than you'd think.
You will know what it's like to not be raised to be you, but rather be raised as an extension of them. You are born with needs and an identity of your own, but a narcissist will only see you as a person who they can use.
You're a resource, a tool for them, and you aren't allowed to follow your own path without being discarded by the narcissist.
I had a client whose mum introduced her at parties as "my little doctor in training." She was nine. She wanted to be an artist. Guess which dream got crushed?
It can work out the other way though, I mean, if you were a child who did whatever you were told and lived for your narcissistic parent, then they will reward you for that by being nice to you.
For those who didn't like being pushed into a corner not meant for them and if you protested in any way, you will know about it! That's why when you fail, the narcissist will have seen it as a reflection on them.
If you succeed and achieve a lot, the narcissist will want to take responsibility for those directly.
2 Number one: Supply
From attention to admiration to validation; the narcissistic parent wanted it all from you. What's more important to note is that what they want is actually what they need. It goes beyond that request, and I think that's what troubles so many people.
Supply can come from however you end up giving it to your narcissist. You give them attention after they come home from work. If they're in a good mood, you would have been the first to add to it.
If they're in a bad mood, you'll have pandered to that, making them their favorite tea, or offering to do things to help make their evening better like tidy up or help make dinner.
You'd have admired them, telling them what a wonderful parent you are and how hard they work.
I had a client tell me her dad would walk in the door and the first thing he'd say was, "Did anyone miss me today?" She was nine. Nine!
You would have told them how much you appreciate them, and want to be like them when you're older. You may even have validated them, telling them they work such long hours and that it must be hard for them to juggle life. You're a kid!
None of this needs to be done or said, period! Instead, your narcissistic parent will have used you as their audience, because they knew you would always be there to praise them or make them feel important. It's sad, but it's true.
What any narcissistic parent wants from their kid is a constant source of supply. Without that, you mean nothing to them.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House3 Number two: Total control
Hands up who knows a narcissist who doesn't like control? I'll wait…
…Okay, I waited long enough. Nobody raised their hand, because that type of narcissist doesn't exist. A narcissist, even narcissistic parents, is obsessed with gaining as much control over other people as they can.
This isn't about you, it's about their need to be able to pull strings and oversee other people's lives, including their own kids. The emotional landscape of the house will depend entirely on how the narcissist is that particular day. You won't be able to have your own independence.
You won't be allowed your own opinions (unless they align with your narcissistic parent). Every time you show that you are a separate person from your narcissistic parent, you will be telling them that you are a threat.
I had a client say to me, "I didn't even know what food I liked until I was thirty." Her mother had ordered for her right into adulthood. Imagine that.
That's how badly these people want to control their kids, even down to what football team they support. It's a sad reality for many, but that's how kids who were raised by narcissists grow up not knowing themselves.
They never feel as though they are living in alignment with their true purpose, and that's down to their purpose being altered by their parent in childhood. Who am I? What music do I like? What is my personality? What do I want to do for a career?
What do I seek in a friendship? These are big questions, and those questions can be available to you with healing and reflection.
4 Number three: Somebody to blame
Oh, boy. Narcissistic parents really love having somebody to blame, and that will be a huge reason why they have kids in the first place. When anything goes wrong, they can point their finger at their kids.
When they want to feel superior, they can put their kids in their place. These are the kinds of roles the narcissist assigns for you, but believe me when I say they are not who you actually are.
And the worst part? Kids absorb that blame like sponges. They start believing they really are the problem, the difficult one, the reason mom or dad is unhappy. Heartbreaking, isn't it?
I can't go into details here on the exact name, but I once knew a narcissist who had a boy who stood up for himself even at a young age, and the narcissist nicknamed him after a famous dictator.
The boy even called himself that name, without knowing the full context of what he was saying. Now that is narcissism right there. All because he was defiant in his own self.
It's a sad world we live in, for sure, but a narcissist will use their annoyance that way and turn it around that their child is a problem, even though they're their own person and should be encouraged to be so.
5 Why you insisted on trying to give it
So now you know what narcissistic parents really want from their kids, you get an idea of exactly the kinds of traumas they can implement in kids at such a young age.
There will have been glimpses of warmth, but those moments weren't real love, they just kept you as a child holding onto what you wanted to believe about them.
I had a client tell me, "I kept chasing the version of my mom who hugged me on my eighth birthday." That one good day kept her locked in for thirty years.
This cycle of withdrawing and warmth is called a trauma bond, and it will create this attachment that's hard to break from. All those years, you were surviving this abusive situation that you never deserved to be a part of. The real version of the parent you had was toxic.
6 And now? This means for you…
It's safe to say you can reflect on a childhood that fits this image and tell yourself that you were not too sensitive. You weren't the problem at all. You were just a kid.
And yet here you are, still apologizing in your head for being a kid who needed things. A kid who cried, or asked for help, or wanted a hug. That wasn't a flaw.
You wanted a loving home that felt safe, and instead you were raised to conform and obey. This parent who should've been protecting you was instead taking advantage of you. It was never your job to take care of yourself.
7 A Trophy to Show Off (When It Suits Them)
Got a good grade? Made the team? Got into that college? Suddenly you're the star of the show, and they're posting about you like they've been cheering you on this whole time.
Funny that, isn't it? Because last week you were lazy, ungrateful, not living up to your potential. But now there's an audience, and look at them, beaming like the proud parent of the year.
"That's MY daughter." "I always knew he had it in him." Cue the wide smile for everyone at the dinner party.
What they're really doing is collecting credit. Your achievement becomes their achievement. Your win becomes proof of their excellent parenting. You're not a person in that moment, you're a shiny thing on the shelf.
And the second the spotlight moves on? So do they. The praise dries up. The interest disappears. You're back to being whatever they need you to be in private, which is usually the opposite of what they bragged about.
It teaches you something pretty awful. That love arrives with the applause, and leaves the moment it stops.
8 The Emotional Punchbag Role
Here's a rough one to sit with. The narcissistic parent needs somewhere to dump everything they can't handle, and guess who is conveniently always nearby?
You.
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A SweatBad day at work? You cop it. Argument with their partner? You cop it. Burnt the dinner? Somehow that's your fault too. You become the emotional dumping ground, the place where all their frustration, shame, and rage gets unloaded without warning.
And the worst part? You learn to read the air before you even walk in the room. You check their face. You listen for the tone of the door closing. You adjust yourself accordingly. Isn't that an exhausting way for a kid to live?
I hear this one a lot from clients. "I knew the second I came home from school what kind of evening it was going to be." That's not childhood, that's surveillance work.
They don't want a child. They want somewhere safe to be horrible, because they know you won't leave. You can't. You're eight.
Heartbreaking when you say it out loud, isn't it.
