Humiliation always comes from the reality that the narcissist is not in control of whatever the humiliation is, that's why it never has a good ending with any of these toxic people.
And honestly? Watching them try to mask that humiliation is almost its own form of entertainment. They squirm, they deflect, they get louder. But the cracks show, don't they?
A narcissist is only thriving when they are in control, but as soon as they realize there are three things they can never control, they struggle to hide the humiliation they feel from that every single day.
It's time to disclose those three things, and I wonder how many of them you've noticed in the narcissist that you know.
1. Time
Time is the enemy of the narcissist, but none of them, in fact nobody on earth, can control it. Imagine if we could?! I'd go back to being nineteen for the day and remembering what it was like to have a back that didn't ache every morning.
Narcissists on the other hand, would use time to their advantage, and erase all their slip ups. Time instead is a thief in their eyes. Time:
Alters their looks. They wish they could go back to a time when they didn't have to worry about wrinkles or grey hairs.
They want to be forever youthful, so they can really make the most of how it made them feel, and perhaps even the attention they received during those years. Reveals, dare I say exposes, their old stories. I once knew a narcissist who wasn't in contact with his daughter.
For years, he convinced everyone that she was to blame, and I mean over a decade. One day, he snapped at his own sister, and made threats to never visit her again, which upset her, as she'd genuinely done nothing wrong.
However, what happened was that people saw the side of the narcissist his daughter was raised by. Not just one occasion, but a childhood of abuse. Eventually, time will reveal who these people really are, and I mean all of them.
And here's the kicker. The more they try to fight time by getting fillers, lying about their age, pretending the past never happened, the more obvious it becomes. Sound familiar?
It reveals how they spent their decades. Absolutely! In tune with point 2, time really can open all eyes. If a narcissist stopped to think about how they spent their whole life, they still might blame everybody else, but ultimately all drama leads back to them.
There's no escaping any of that, as much as they'd love to. And still years roll in, and nothing changes. The narcissist can't stop it. Time forces people to grow up. I cannot stress this enough: Narcissists hate seeing their children go from child to adult.
They also despise partners who awaken to abuse; eventually tiring from the toxic antics. They panic when their friends drift away, acting like they don't want to be around the narcissist any more. Audiences shift and change, and eventually they become quite difficult to keep hold of.
Yep, you guessed it, that grip will slip, and they hate it. As much as the narcissist wants to argue with time, they have no control over when that calendar needs flipping. You can't gaslight your way back to the 90s, and it's a real humiliation for them.
2. How Others Feel About Them When They're Not Around
If you're in the presence of a narcissist, they can shape how you feel or react in that moment. I don't know about you, but when I am around a narcissist, I feel genuinely cold. It's like my body senses the iciness of their personality, and viscerally feels it.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseThe fact that they can do this even just by being in the same room as you is fairly startling, and they love knowing that it's even possible, even with a text; presence is presence.
But where it gets interesting is when you're not near them, or when you aren't hearing from them. My goodness, doesn't life get so peaceful?
It's like you can hear the birds singing, and feel the kindness and serenity in the air all over again, and believe me, that won't happen while they're nearby.
When you're minding your own business, shopping at the grocery store, hiking at the weekend, laughing with friends, enjoying your favorite movie with your friends, or even alone; the narcissist has nothing. They can't control a thing, or shape how you feel or think when they're nowhere to be seen.
It drives them crazy. What a difference from being around you, monitoring the words you speak, reading every single expression that crawls across your face, or even pressure you into reacting a certain way; it's impossible out of your company.
I had a client tell me her ex would grill her after every coffee with a friend. "What did you talk about? Did my name come up?" Every single time. Exhausting, right?
Those quiet moments you enjoy, and probably thrive in are yours and yours alone, which is devastating to the narcissist who just wants to jump in and ruin every single moment you're awake. You know what though?
They're so acutely aware that your opinions outside of spending time with them are not theirs to handle, change or manipulate. They know they've got nothing, and I know that knowledge can be very deep down in their cold souls, but it's still there nonetheless.
The truth is, you stand on the outside of their control when you're doing your own thing, and it's the worst humiliation for them. It's got to be embarrassing, right? I mean, in my eyes, who cares? Go do you. For narcissists, it's like being stung repeatedly.
If you ever wondered why they seem so obsessed about what your conversations were with your friends over lunch, or who said what; that's why. They aren't curious, they're petrified in case your conversation was detrimental to their character.
3. The Reality Of Their Inner World
You know I love to save the best 'til last, and this is no exception. A narcissist can give controlling your emotions their best shot. They can even control the whole vibe of a room, alongside whatever story they want to push out into the world on any given day.
You want to know a satisfying truth that really humiliates them, though? Narcissists can't control what happens, how they feel, when they finally get to be alone with nothing but themselves. Oh yes, there's emptiness (that's a big one). They panic. What am I missing? Where is everybody?
Who is talking about me? It's a reality check, to be alone.
I had a client tell me once that her ex would call her at 2am from his new place, slurring, asking what she was doing. He couldn't sit with himself for five minutes.
They may have had the best day ever manipulating others, but when alone, they still think, "This will never be enough."
They're hard words to escape from, and narcissists rarely, if ever, do. That's why they hate being alone. The longer they're alone, the louder that noise gets and they're simply unable to argue with any of it.
There's no charm that will silence it, or any ways to love-bomb the discomfort, so they're forced to tolerate it. Tolerate equals humiliate. There is a reality that sits with them during times like this, and sadly for them, that reality is unavoidable.
It's not possible to give any of their usual tricks to the silence, and so they're left. With nothing. The humiliating truth is that they can't control that. There are always times they will be alone, and that's why they become intent on destroying your life by always being around.
Without you, the narcissist is nothing.
4. The Slow Tick Of Aging (And They Hate It)
Time is the one thing nobody can negotiate with, and the narcissist hates that more than you can imagine.
The grey hairs. The lines around the eyes. The slower mornings. The body that doesn't bounce back the way it used to. They can dye, fill, nip, tuck, and posture all they want, but the clock keeps ticking right along.
And it humiliates them every single day, doesn't it?
Because so much of their identity is wrapped up in how they look, how they're perceived, how desirable or impressive or powerful they seem. Strip that away, and what's left? Not much, sadly.
I've heard clients say, "They've become obsessed with the mirror lately," or, "They keep mentioning how 'young' they still look." It's pitiful when you really stop and think about it.
They can't control aging. They can't outsmart it. They can't gaslight a wrinkle into disappearing.
And every year, the gap between who they pretend to be and who they actually are gets a little wider.
Tick, tock.
5. Your Healing, And They Can't Touch It
Here's the thing about your healing. It happens whether they like it or not.
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A SweatYou wake up one morning and realize you slept through the night. You laugh at something on the radio and it's a real laugh, not the polite one you used to perform. Small things, but they add up.
And the narcissist? They can't reach in and undo any of it. They can't pull the rug from under you the way they used to, because you're not standing on their rug anymore.
I love this part, honestly. Because for years, they were the one holding the dial on your moods, your confidence, your sense of self. Now you are. And it humiliates them daily because they can see it from the outside. They see you steadier. Calmer. Less reactive.
They might try a comment, a sly little jab, a "you've changed." And? You have. That was the whole point.
Your healing belongs to you. Not them. Never them.
