If you have any experience at all with narcissists, especially in a romantic manner, you'll know there is far more to leaving them than simply just walking away. The complexities behind a break up can include pulling away emotionally as well as physically.
You know, that part of you that keeps going back to them.
I've sat with so many people who say, "I know I should leave, but something keeps pulling me back." That something has a name, and we're about to talk about it.
It's a cord that can be cut, but until then, it acts like the spring to keep victims bouncing back. Even when the pies and manipulation tactics are released, victims still find leaving difficult.
Letting go is possible, but I believe knowing what the one thing that makes leaving a narcissist so hard is what can save you. Here it is.
1 The emotional glue
When I say emotional glue, I mean something that you can't see, but something you feel every single day. Nobody, I repeat nobody knows what this is like until you have loved a narcissist and spent your entire life waiting for them to be better. That's called hope.
You know as well as I do how powerful hope can be in other circumstances. You hope your loved one recovers from cancer. You hope the weather will be nice for that party tomorrow. You hope you get that job promotion. You hope your house move doesn't fall through.
I had a client say to me, "Alexander, I kept thinking if I just loved him harder, he'd go back to who he was at the start." Sound familiar?
And…
…You hope the narcissist sees the error of their ways and starts to treat you better
You hope they stop yelling at you and making you feel terrible about yourself. You hope they follow through on that latest promise. You hope they are nice to you tomorrow. You hope some day they'll be the person they were when you first met them.
It doesn't work though, does it? No amount of hope can possibly force a narcissist into behaving nicely, and treating you well. Holding onto these early memories where the narcissist made you feel loved only end up hurting you more and more.
It's not what you want to hear, but this is just the beginning of how the narcissist keeps you for so long. They know exactly what they're doing.
2 Hope only grows stronger
I want to let you into a little secret now. A narcissist knows you hold onto hope. They know you are doing everything you can to make this relationship be what you want it to be, but in turn, that's what they love.
They have that full control, and that's why they rarely behave badly all the time.
Just when you think, "Why are they being so cruel to me?", the narcissist will show up and be exactly who you want them to be, just for enough time to get you hooked back into their game again.
That affection you notice that returns is going to be what you want all along, so when you hope, your hope seems so justified and awake the moment you see there is good in the narcissist. Yes! Finally! They're being that person!
I had a client say to me, "But Alexander, last week he made me coffee and apologised. He cried. That has to mean something, right?" It meant nothing. It meant the cycle reset.
This is usually prevalent during times where you may have been particularly abused, perhaps after an argument that was really quite terrible, or where you've noticed you've been neglected even more than you may usually have been. You'll hear the initial apology.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseWords will seem so real, because they are often accompanied with a tone of sincerity that only a narcissist can perfect without meaning an ounce of it. You'll hear those future promises, making you reinvest your life, time and energy all over again into them.
You're confused, but you feel so clear-minded at the same time. The belief that they want this to work as much as you do is reinforced, and you see the improvement as real.
If you just keep trying harder and wait a little longer, or love the narcissist more deeply, they will stay this way. They won't. No matter how much effort you put in.
3 It can be emotionally addictive
Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Not only physically, but emotionally, too. It's enough to feel tired just thinking about it, but the fact is, narcissists build their relationships with people to be that way.
It feels like there's no beginning or end, just this life that you didn't sign up to that you're stuck in. You're not stuck; nobody is. The addiction comes from the anticipation of each stage of the narcissistic cycle of abuse.
I had a client describe it as a slot machine. She said, "I keep pulling the lever because last time, it paid out." That's the hook, right there.
You anticipate the good times, but you know that inevitably, what follows is an incredibly rough patch that will make you feel terrible.
You got into the pattern of begging and pleading with the narcissist until you thought you'd lose it all, and that was the moment they'd come running back to you and tell you how much they're sorry and that they love you. That's what you've been waiting for.
That's the moment you feel as though it's all finally changing and your hope is paying off. Hope, relief, panic, fear, and it all circles back around again. Permanent change feels imminent, until it happens all over again and you wonder if you'll ever escape it.
Imagine trying to leave that?
4 The potential exists in a strong way
It's what all victims keep in their minds, isn't it? They have the potential to be such a loving partner. Yes, and my curry has the potential to taste amazing, unless I dump a kilo of salt in the sauce and kill everyone coming to eat it with me.
It's a grief that isn't talked about enough; the grief of knowing that the narcissist will never be who you want them to be, and if you leave, you know there will be zero hope that potential will ever have the chance to reveal itself.
I had a client say to me, "But Alexander, you should see him when he's good." And I asked her, how often is that, really? She went quiet.
It's a heartache. It's a heavy, sit-in-the-chest feeling, I know. But staying won't make it any more of a possibility, and that's where you have to place your awareness.
Otherwise, you're just a person in pain waiting for the pain to be over, while staying with the person who is causing it.
5 A narcissist loves to take advantage of your hope
It's the one thing they can hang on to, and dangle in front of you like you're a rabbit and they're holding a carrot. The promises come thick and fast, but you know full well you're falling for nothing but lies over time.
You cover it up by piling more and more hype onto it, but it's no real use. I will get therapy, I promise. I finally know the pain I caused you. I want to make it up to you. I need you to believe me.
I can't stand the thought of you being hurt. I can't live without you.
I had a client say to me, "But what if this time he really means it?" And I had to ask her gently, how many times has there been a this time already?
Of course you hear those words, and something inside of you lights up and thinks, "Yes!" You don't leave, and why would you? It's clear this person needs help, and who better to offer it than you? If you go, they will remain troubled forever. You're the cure.
You're their savior. Wrong. You're none of those things, and both you and the narcissist know it deep down. The first step toward the freedom you so badly want is to understand your role was never to fix them, but to stay and hope they would change for good.
You'll be waiting a lifetime.
6 But What About the Good Times?
Ah, the good times. The reason you're still sat there wondering if leaving is the right move.
And I get it. I really do. Because the good times with a narcissist aren't just nice, they're intoxicating. They're the holiday where they were attentive and sweet.
The morning they brought you coffee in bed and said, "I don't know what I'd do without you." The night you laughed until your sides hurt.
You replay those moments like a highlight reel. "But what about then? They were so lovely then." Right?
Here's the thing nobody tells you. The good times weren't a glimpse of who they really are. They were the bait. They were specifically designed to keep you hooked when the bad times rolled in.
And they did roll in, didn't they?
I'm not saying the good times weren't real to you. They were. Your feelings, your love, your hope, all real. But for them? It was strategy. And that's the painful bit to sit with.
7 Walking Away Feels Like Giving Up
You poured years into this person. Years! Time, tears, late nights spent trying to understand them, mornings spent walking on eggshells. And now you're supposed to just... leave? Walk out the door and pretend it was all for nothing?
That's how it feels, isn't it? Like waving a white flag.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsI hear this from clients all the time. "If I leave now, what was the point of all that effort?" And my heart sinks every single time, because I know that feeling. The sunk cost. The "I've come this far" trap.
But here's the thing. Staying isn't winning. Staying is just bleeding out slower.
Leaving a narcissist isn't giving up on the relationship. It's giving up on a fantasy they sold you, and there's a massive difference between those two things.
You're not quitting. You're not weak. You're not throwing in the towel.
You're choosing yourself for the first time in a long time, and that takes more strength than staying ever did. Honestly, it does.
