Is your bank account full? Well, you'd better make the most of it because if you have a narcissist sniffing around, I guarantee they will empty it in no time. The reason they do this is down to pure greed.
I had a woman tell me last year, "Alexander, I couldn't afford the bus fare to my sister's house." That's the trap. That's exactly where they want you.
They will know your money is more important to them than you are, but also, the one big thing is this…
…With no money, you'll never leave. Here are the ways they will empty that account, and I hope none of them happen to you.
1 You cover the small stuff, and the small stuff becomes everything
Oh boy, can this creep up on you? Yes! So frequently, people write to me and tell me that their bank account went from 'hero to zero' in the space of weeks.
That's because they let a narcissist in, and once they're in, you have a real hard time getting them out. The narcissist in this instance loves to paint themselves as the breadwinner.
One woman told me she added it up one night out of curiosity. Eight hundred dollars a month on "little things." His salary? Untouched. Sitting there. Growing. Right?
They tell you to take care of the little things with what you earn, and so you do. Only those little things accrue to a lot.
You're paying for that big grocery shop on the same day you need to fill the car up and pay for the takeout the narcissist insists that evening. Suddenly, you've got nothing, to the point where you can't even save a dime. That's how they get you, every time.
2 Control disguised as care or concern
If it weren't for me, I think your finances would be in deep trouble. I am the one keeping this household above water. You don't need to know what's going in and what's going out. Just know it's all under control. Yeah, you've got that right. Control.
I had a client tell me her narcissistic husband handed her a weekly allowance like she was a child. She was 42, working full time, and asking permission to buy groceries.
Only don't mistake the narcissist's control as care or concern like they want you to believe, because it isn't. In fact, hearing a narcissist say these kinds of comments should ring alarm bells. Financial abuse isn't nearly talked about enough, but believe me, it involves total control of someone.
I know we like to think money is the be all and end all, but without it, we're in real trouble. If you get to the point where you can't afford to even fill your car up or pay your phone bill, then something has gone terribly wrong.
Even more worryingly, if you don't know the full picture of your own finances, you can never fully argue with the person in charge. No wonder people struggle to leave.
3 Sabotaging everything while grinning like a Cheshire cat
You won't know there's an issue all the while you see them getting up, going to work, and whistling their way to the office every morning. You're used to responding to panic with panic, but seeing as there is none, you have no reason to think there's anything wrong.
It's so cruel because it leaves people waiting until the last minute to find out just how deep their financial woes go. You hear a knock at the door from the debt collector, and you have no idea why they're there.
Even if you do work, you're convinced to give it up so you rely solely on the finances of the narcissist. That job isn't even worth your time.
I had a client tell me her husband smiled through dinner the same night the electricity got cut off. She found out from the neighbor. He said nothing. Can you imagine?
You really think you're qualified to do that? You quit. You give up. Which means you give up on an income that could help you out no end. Each time you look for independence, the narcissist finds a way to knock you back and keep you small and dependent.
This is dangerous, people. So dangerous.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House4 Changes passwords
Look out for all the times you struggle to log into your accounts, that won't be coincidental.
I had one client locked out of her own email on a Sunday morning. He shrugged and said, "I updated everything last night, I'll send it later." He never did. Sound familiar?
Passwords and emails are often changed so that you can never keep up with the narcissist and their attempts to distract you from official numbers and figures.
They will tell you they change them for security purposes, but not sharing them with you is the real issue, and where the control is really at.
5 Refuses to have paper statements
You're used to seeing that monthly statement hit your doormat, but lately, you've not been seeing it. That's because the narcissist has reverted to e-statements; statements that go directly to them and not you.
And when you ask about it? "Oh, I switched us to paperless, it's better for the environment." Suddenly they care about trees. Right, sure they do.
That's a sneaky way for you to not oversee any of the in and outgoings, and of course, you'll be left in the dark at what the balance of the account actually is.
Meanwhile, that balance is barely anything, and you've got yourself stuck with someone who has spent all your cash and you have no access to the fine print.
6 You believe them when they say they're handling the finances
Why wouldn't you?! A narcissist tells you they're handling something, and you think that must be true. Only it isn't.
I had a client whose narcissist would wave her off from statement letters saying, "Don't worry your head about it, I've got this." She found out three years later he'd drained everything.
They know they've managed to distract you from official figures and findings, and you don't think twice about it. When your back is turned and you're busy trusting someone who is abusing you under the surface, you're leaving your finances entirely under their control.
There's no narcissist on this planet who isn't going to take advantage of that.
7 The subscriptions you don't know about
And how would you, if you're being kept from all the statements? The narcissist will sign up to everything using your card and email address, and get you used to this fabulous life of being able to watch anything, do anything anytime you want.
I had a client who found seven streaming services, two gym memberships and a wine club, all in her name, when she finally got hold of her statements. Seven! Can you imagine?
You don't realize that it's all on you, though, which is the problem. If you want to leave, you're going to have to figure out all those subscriptions and cancel them. You'll probably never even find them all.
8 "Can I borrow…?"
There you are, loaning money out like you are a bank with an endless supply. Only you're not. You're someone who earns and deserves to save or spend it how they want to after your balanced outgoings.
And every time you ask about being paid back, watch what happens. "Wow, really? After everything I do for you, you're chasing me for a few bucks?" Suddenly you're the bad guy.
The narcissist will make all kinds of excuses to borrow money from you, but it will mostly be on the promise of returning it come pay day. That never happens, and you're left counting your pennies, while they have the best of both worlds.
It's no wonder you can't save for a foundation of your own. You'd never be able to all the while you're handing them money for whatever excuse they ask for next.
9 What does this mean for you?
Well, I'd love to say it's good news but, it isn't. Under the narcissist's financial spell of abuse, you become a person who is exhausted from constantly trying to earn money to get by.
You don't enjoy pay day, because you know it goes to a person who is clearly taking advantage of your income.
I had a client tell me she didn't even know her own password to online banking. He set it up, he changed it, he kept it. Can you imagine? Her own money, locked behind his fingerprint.
You are a stranger to your own statements, as they promise to take care of everything. In fact, these people are some of the most financially irresponsible people known to man, and so you end up in debt with no way to pay it all off.
At the very best, you have no savings for yourself. This is a case of your freedom really having a price tag attached to it.
10 The credit cards you didn't even apply for
This one makes my stomach turn every time I hear it.
You're going through the mail one afternoon, and there's a statement with your name on it from a bank you've never dealt with. You open it, and there it is. Thousands of dollars of debt. In your name. Racked up on a card you never signed for.
Sound familiar to anyone reading this?
Narcissists have been known to open credit cards, store cards, even loans, all in your name. They have your social security number. They have your date of birth. They know your mother's maiden name because you told them on date three when you were falling in love.
And what do they say when you confront them? "I was going to tell you. I just needed to cover some things for us." Us. Right.
Now you're stuck. Because leaving means dealing with debt you didn't create, credit that's already trashed, and the mortifying job of explaining to a bank that your partner committed fraud against you.
Who's got the energy for that? They're banking on the fact that you don't.
11 Your paycheck? Oh, that goes straight to them
You get paid on the Friday, and by Saturday morning, it's gone. Where? Into their account, of course. The "joint" one you were told was easier for bills, or straight into their personal account because, "I'll handle everything, you don't need to worry about it."
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsAnd you didn't worry, did you? Because at the start, it felt like teamwork.
Now? You're asking permission to buy shampoo.
I've had clients tell me, "I earn more than him and I still have to text him to buy my daughter a birthday card." Can you imagine? Working full time, watching your own wages vanish, and being made to feel like a beggar for the money you earned.
The narcissist loves this setup. Your labor, their control. You get the tiredness, they get the balance.
And the second you say, "Actually, I want my paycheck coming into my own account again," oh boy. Suddenly you're selfish. Suddenly you don't trust them. Suddenly you're "trying to break up the family."
No. You're trying to breathe.
