I know; you do the cooking, the cleaning, you show up and give the narcissist all the love you could, and yet it was never enough. Meanwhile, his mother got the warmest version of him, and every bit of patience that goes with it.
And listen, this isn't about a man loving his mom. Loving your mother is beautiful. This is something else entirely, and I think deep down you already know that, don't you?
You were promised all of that, and the narcissist fell short out of choice. If that sounds like something you've been through, I want to tell you why you as his wife were always placed below the narcissist's mother. She will always come first.
1 Two completely different versions of the narcissist
To the narcissist's mother:
I'll call you right back! I'll come help you fix the lock. I don't care that it's a two hour drive. My mother is a great person. I'll have nobody talk bad about her. To you:
Why can't you do anything right? You're so needy. You're imagining things.
I had a client say to me once, "His mum thinks he hung the moon. If she saw how he speaks to me, she'd drop the phone." And that's exactly it, isn't it?
I don't have to answer to you. What is this? This is the difference between the narcissist's mother, and you. Both of you get this totally different version of them, and of course, you're the one who gets the person behind the mask.
His mother will get perfection, and that's the person she thinks she raised. She doesn't know the other version exists. When you're asking yourself what his mother has that you don't, the answer is lack of information.
There's nothing good she has that you don't; just that blissful unawareness of what's really happening.
2 I want to tell you what's really going on
There's a lot occurring behind the scenes, so let me try to walk you through it all so that you can really understand why you are suffering with your husband, and why his mother is oblivious. Your husband is a narcissist.
He has a mother who isn't a threat to him, instead, she acts as a safe form of supply. Whenever he wants admiration, he turns to his mother, who unconditionally has dished it out since he was a baby.
She approves of all his decisions because she believes she's raised someone who has their head screwed on. She never demands that he grows, and instead enjoys the fact that he is 'her baby.'
What do you have?
One client said to me, "He can take criticism from his boss, from his brother, from a stranger in traffic. From me? I get the silent treatment for three days." Sound familiar?
You have someone so totally not held accountable that it's actually pretty disturbing. You love him as a partner, and you entered this relationship with natural needs; things you want from it.
You also have opinions and you even on occasion push back because that's what a healthy adult should do. I'll translate that to what a narcissist thinks:
I am terrified of you. If he's exposed, he is vulnerable, and he doesn't want to be weak around the very person he's trying to control and manipulate. If he slips up, you might just see that his whole world is nothing but a lie.
3 Here's what gives him away
My mother understands me like nobody else. You could pick up a thing or two about how to treat people from her. You're an embarrassment compared to my mother. She never complains like you do, so who is the real problem here?
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseShe never complains because she doesn't see the side of him that you married, and that you see daily. She's not up half the night wondering why his mood was so cold at dinner, and that there must be a reason for it.
She isn't up at 2am wondering what she did wrong, and trying to think of all the ways to fix it.
I had a woman tell me recently, "He said his mother would have handled it better." Handled what? Him coming home late and picking a fight over dinner being cold. Ridiculous, isn't it?
She is not in a romantic relationship with him. You are. He likes to compare you to her as often as he gets the chance because he knows it's a weapon that works.
It means then you take his words and use them to chase a standard you were never put here to meet. You spend your life running after him, he spends his life laughing at you. I don't think that's fair at all, do you?
If I could make every woman see this as they enter that relationship that caused this, I would show them how exhausted they'd end up trying to make their narcissistic husband love them in the same way they love their mother.
You cannot compare the two, and love cannot be compared either.
4 How he was raised says it all
A narcissistic man will have been raised with the concept that the woman they are eventually going to marry will deserve the same love, kindness and treatment as his mother.
He will be raised believing that no woman will be good enough for him, and that the only person he can truly rely on is his mother. More worryingly, he'll have been taught that he needs to find someone who loves him unconditionally, just like his mother does.
I had a client whose husband literally said, "My mother would never treat me this way." She was standing there holding their newborn baby. Can you imagine hearing that?
That means accepting him for who he is, without question or challenge. Anybody who doesn't meet that criteria is shown the door within moments of knowing them, because they're nothing but a problem.
This means you walk in as a partner, but you end up being a slave to terms and conditions. If you don't comply, you're gone.
5 A fight you were never destined to win
Who can possibly win a fight like this? From the moment these dynamics collided, you were never going to be able to win the narcissist over and have them treat you with respect.
You can be as soft and quiet as you want, but ultimately, you're never going to be his mother. She gets that better version of him because she raised him to play the part he plays, and that's a performance she will never see an alternative side to.
A client said to me the other week, "I could stand on my head singing his favourite song, and it still wouldn't be enough." And she's right. It never will be.
She is his audience of one. She will always be cheering him on from the sidelines, cursing each blow and excusing every mistake he makes.
He wanted you to show him all his best parts like his mother does, but you see the person who silently grunts around you instead of showing you affection. Holding that mirror up will only cause more harm.
No amount of love you were willing to give is ever going to be enough, and for that reason, you'll spend the duration of your marriage suffering immensely.
6 Things you lack? I think not!
I don't want any of you to think that you lack anything, because you don't. If anything, you possess so many good traits that they're being wasted on someone who will never appreciate you.
When you're called too needy, all you're doing is showing up and trying to make the marriage a success.
I had a woman sit across from me and whisper, "He said I was too much." Too much? She was carrying the entire marriage on her back. Sound familiar?
Your narcissistic husband won't see that, yet you'll be that problem he's convinced you that you are. If you want to be treated like a person, you won't get that treatment from your husband.
He will be too busy wanting attention and affection from his mother, who doesn't see the damaging man behind the mask. Knowing all of this will save you from not feeling good enough, and will hopefully mean you get a second chance with someone new in the future.
7 The Golden Boy Act Never Ends
You know that thing where he walks into his mother's house and suddenly he's ten years old again? Yeah. That.
He stands taller. He grins a little wider. He rushes to help her with the tiniest things she could easily do herself. "Mum, sit down, I'll get it!" Meanwhile, at home, you asked him to take the bins out three days ago and he acted like you'd requested a kidney.
It's the golden boy performance, and it never, ever stops. Not at 25, not at 45, not at 65. She raised her little prince, and he's going to keep playing that role until one of them stops breathing.
And where does that leave you? Watching. Just watching this grown man morph into somebody you don't quite recognise, all so his mother can beam at him and tell everybody within earshot what a wonderful son she has.
You clap along, don't you? Because what else can you do? Say something and you're the jealous wife. Say nothing and you disappear a little more.
Exhausting.
8 When She Calls, You're Invisible
You could be mid-sentence, telling him something that actually matters to you, and his mother's name pops up on the screen. Guess what? You're gone. Poof. Invisible.
He'll hold up a finger like he's pausing a movie. He'll walk out of the room. He'll take the call in the hallway and stay out there for forty five minutes while your dinner goes cold.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsAnd when he comes back? Not even a "sorry about that." Just, "Mum says hi," as if that fixes it.
I hear this one all the time. Women telling me, "I could be crying, Alexander. I could literally be crying, and he'd still pick up."
Isn't that wild? You're his wife. You're standing right there. And he'll drop you like a hot pan the second she rings.
It teaches you something, though. It teaches you exactly where you sit on his list. And once you see it, really see it, you can't unsee it.
You were never number one. You were never even close.
