I know you thought growing up might make the whole family dynamic you're in become easier. You imagined that having your own life and voice might be a good thing. It would show you're now your own person and can look after yourself.
A client said to me recently, "I thought my mom would soften once I had kids of my own." Nope. She got worse. Way worse. Does that ring any bells for you?
Those are huge triggers for the narcissist. No matter your age, they still want that control. They hate that you're now growing an identity away from them. Today, we talk about why, and I truly wonder how much of this you'll relate to.
1 When you become independent, your narcissistic parent feels betrayed
Your independence is a danger to your narcissistic parent, which is why you were never allowed it as a child. Narcissists have an inability to see their children as separate from themselves, they just see you as an extension.
You're a part of them, rather than somebody who has the right to your own passions and opinions. For a child who is blissfully unaware of this level of control over them, will grow up never really knowing who they are.
They will like things, but that 'like' never feels authentic, and that's probably down to the fact that they really don't like it, but were told to. Does that sound like you?
Many children of narcissists grow up to not know what they want to do as a career, or even what to study. They're told it should be A, B or C, but they really like the sound of X, Y or Z.
I had a client whose mother didn't speak to her for eight months after she moved two states away for a job. Eight months! Over a job offer.
They go with the former, because it's less stressful on them if they comply. After all, they're keen to make their parents happy. What happens when you do become independent is you start making choices for yourself, and that can cause narcissistic parents to erupt.
They're losing control of you because you're finally deciding what you want for yourself. You need them less. You ask for their help less. This feels like a direct attack on their authority, but in truth, you're grown up now, and your life is for you, nobody else.
Narcissistic parents can feel bitter about this, and often punish you with silence, or withholding any kind of connection with you. To be discarded isn't uncommon, either, and happens more than you think.
2 Age means they're losing control everywhere else, too
Aging narcissists are unhappy narcissists, and that's down to the fact that the world they used to work hard to be the center of is now dispersing. They are no longer in as much demand as before, and that's a hurtful thing for them.
They become weak, more vulnerable, they need you, and they're not in control of whether you provide that support or not.
It's a horrible place for an older narcissistic parent, and although they can play the victim and pretend nobody is there for them, that won't suddenly create a drove of people lining up to help. They know that.
They know no amount of complaining will end estrangement if that's what you chose.
I had a client whose mother suddenly started calling every Sunday after years of silence. The catch? She'd just been told she needed help with her shopping. Funny how that works, isn't it?
So they sit in their aging process and succumb to the fact that they've no control. Attention dwindles, people forget about them, and that's often when children are attempted to be lured back with the promise of a strong inheritance.
In reality, they're being used yet again as a tool, and this is never about love or wanting to be around their children for genuine company. It's true what they say, you know:
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseEvery narcissist ends up alone. It'll be no different for narcissistic parents. You'll have grown up feeling like you can't even breathe without getting it wrong, and as you get older, they will only continue that terrible treatment.
3 DARVO will be used to confuse you
Who here has heard of DARVO before? I don't think it's talked about enough, but it is such a crucial aspect of narcissistic abuse, and when you learn it, it will really help you understand narcissists better. First there is Deny.
A narcissist, even if they're your parent, will deny their behavior. I didn't do such a thing. You were raised in a great home. I did all I could for you. You didn't realize how lucky you were and still are.
All you experienced will be diminished by them as they force their innocence on you and expect you to take it and accept it as the truth. Then we have Attack. You'll be attacked for even trying to confront them.
Your narcissistic parent won't hesitate to let you know in their own toxic way that you're a terrible person even for daring to speak your mind (and the truth).
I had a client say her mum's go to line was, "After everything I sacrificed for you, this is how you repay me?" Cue the tears. Cue the guilt. Sound familiar?
They will attack you in the hope you feel guilt and shame, and take back whatever you tried to accuse them of. It won't matter that you're actually right. Next, we have Reverse victim and Offender. This is where your narcissistic parent will flip the accusations to you.
You're to blame. It was all your fault. You're cruel and ungrateful, and you should be ashamed of yourself for treating your 'poor parent' this way. You become the offender, your narcissistic parent becomes the victim.
And before you say anything, I am fully aware of how frustrating this is for children of narcissists. As if it wasn't traumatic enough to be raised by one, now you have to deal with their fake lies and attack on you.
It's the reason why in the end, so many kids detach and go no contact with their narcissistic parent. A life without them in it seems far more appealing than a life being controlled by somebody whose aim is to tell you what to do, and not love you.
4 Your instincts are correct
You are not failing to be a good child. You didn't spend your life 'letting somebody down.' You spent your life pushing hard to be seen and heard, just to get a little bit of love and affection back.
Beyond that, you wanted a parent you felt safe with, and whose moods you didn't have to fear or predict.
Your perception feels totally unreliable due to years of gaslighting, and when you finally get to an age in adulthood where you realize that's not the kind of life you want to live any more, you feel more determined to grow.
When you decide to grow, your narcissistic parent feels like you're pushing back on them. They see it as an insult.
A client said to me recently, "Alexander, I helped myself to a glass of water in my mum's kitchen and she said I was being rude." Rude? For pouring water? Come on.
What do you mean you don't need me to help you fix your car? What do you mean you've got this meal covered? What do you mean you've done it already?
You aren't imagining things, you're noticing a pattern that has emerged over the course of many years, and now you're realizing that because you want to grow and be your own person, you're being treated like you're committing a family crime.
Your independence should be proof of your survival, and not a wound you've inflicted on your narcissistic parent. Believing what they say and holding back on that growth will only please them, and never you. Let them get worse, while you get your life back.
5 They Resent You for Outgrowing Them
There's a quiet little thing that happens when you grow up, and the narcissistic parent feels it before you even notice.
You stop needing them.
Not in a cruel way. Just naturally. You can pay your own bills, make your own choices, book your own doctor appointments, decide where you want to spend Christmas. And that, to them, is a problem.
Because what was the role they played all those years? The fixer. The one who "knew better." The one whose opinion was the final word. Take that away, and what's left?
A person who has to actually relate to you like an equal, and they have no idea how to do that.
So they resent it. You'll hear things like, "You think you're so clever now, don't you?" or "You've changed since you met them."
Translation? You've outgrown the version of you they could manage.
And rather than be proud, they get smaller and meaner. Because your growth is a mirror, and they cannot stand what it reflects back.
6 The Guilt Trips Get Heavier With Every Year
Remember when you were younger, and the guilt was, "After everything I've done for you"? Yeah, that was just the warm up.
As you grow older, the guilt trips get heavier. Thicker. More frequent. They start showing up in voicemails, in passive comments at family dinners, in texts that begin with, "I guess I'm just not important enough to call."
And why does it get worse? Because guilt is the last tool they have left. You're not as easy to control anymore. You've got your own life, your own people, your own opinions. So they pull out the heavy stuff.
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A Sweat"I won't be around forever, you know."
"Other people's kids actually visit their parents."
"I sacrificed everything for you, and this is what I get."
Each one designed to make you feel like a bad person for simply living your own life. Does it land? Sometimes, yes. Even when you can see it for exactly what it is, it still stings a little. That's the awful part.
You can know the game and still feel the weight of it.
