Have you seen this yourself? I know I have over the years, and it makes me cringe. The performances out in public, the way they talk about their kids so tenderly, and the image of this happy, perfect family the narcissistic parent is trying to exude out into the world.
Then you go home, and what?
I had a client describe it perfectly. She said, "In the parking lot, he's kissing the top of her head. In the car, he won't even look at her." Tell me that isn't chilling.
The mask falls off and they show the people in that home exactly who they are. This isn't your imagination, it really happens. It's calculated as much as it is disturbing. Narcissists really do only care about looking like a good parent rather than being one, and here's why.
1 Parenthood becomes a theater
It's the show nobody paid tickets to go see, yet is forced upon us every single day! Who can relate to this? A narcissist can be a parent; there are no rules to that.
I had a client tell me her ex would literally narrate his own parenting at the school gates. "I just love being a dad, you know?" Loud enough for every other parent to hear. Every single time.
The problem is when we're all made to watch the performance, like we're in a theater and they are the star of the show.
It's difficult, I'd say, sometimes even impossible to keep your sanity when all you see is a person you know is toxic, acting like parent of the year. Normal parents just carry on as normal, but narcissistic parenting is only about being seen as a good parent.
Children are a prop to their show, a little bit like those backdrops you see on stage.
2 Audience is absolutely everything
Wherever they go, a narcissist loves an audience. If you're in their life, you're either part of that audience, or you were called to be there but refused, or walked out halfway through. I wouldn't blame you if you did, these shows are highly nauseating, especially where kids are involved.
You see them at the birthday parties, as well as those infamous sports days and other school events. It's as if you're an automatic witness to their greatness, without giving your permission to watch any of it unfold before you.
Audiences to the narcissists act like proof that they're a good parent. Look at me! I am such a good parent! I want everyone to know about it! Then they get home, and that mask slips quicker than a foot on ice.
One client told me her dad would wink at her during school assemblies like they shared this beautiful bond. By bedtime that same night, he wouldn't even look at her. Heartbreaking, isn't it?
Suddenly their kids are inconvenient. There's nobody to perform in front of, or who will judge them, so the narcissistic parent treats their kids as if they're nothing but in the way. Nothing they do is right, and that patience is barely there at all.
It's the saddest part for me, as I hear so many of your comments about how you were once that kid. You knew what it was like to see both sides of that parental coin. You knew they could be so charming out in the world.
It almost felt convincing at times to have them be so tender to your needs, and make you feel so important and loved. It was only when you got home that you saw the switch, and knew there was nothing real about how they acted toward you.
Looking good was more important than being good. You were used; taken advantage of, and that, over the years, became the hardest part about being the child of a narcissist.
3 A narcissist's child's reality isn't important, their image is
We all know that image is the main obsession with narcissists. Everything revolves around how they look and act, and how that image is perceived.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseIt can be what hurts the child of a narcissist the most, because the inauthenticity behind their narcissistic parent is what becomes the most obvious thing.
I've spoken with children of narcissist's before who became of no use to their narcissistic parent eventually due to things such as career choice, partner choice, or life decisions that didn't align with what their narcissistic parent hoped for.
Their reality didn't matter because it wasn't the image their toxic parent pushed for.
One client told me her mum corrected her in front of relatives with, "She doesn't really mean that, she's just tired." She wasn't tired. She was eleven, and she meant it.
Their agenda fell through the cracks of their child's hopes and dreams, but as children, that autonomy wasn't there as much, and so the image was built up and put out there by the narcissist.
Similarly, all problems are almost always swept under the carpet, especially if those problems threaten the image. Kids aren't allowed to raise concerns, they aren't allowed to ask questions if they have a narcissistic parent. If those questions backfire on their own reputation, then they're banished.
Being a good parent doesn't matter to them, and that's the sad reality of it all.
4 Children then learn to perform
It's a painful reality that yes, children learn how to perform for their narcissistic parent. It's the unspoken rule of the house that a performance earns points, and those points add up to validation and love. But we all know this, don't we?
We all know that love is not something anyone should earn. To have to determine your parent's moods as early as it takes you to learn to walk must be the most heartbreaking aspect of being the child of a narcissist.
I had a client describe it as walking on eggshells barefoot. She knew by the sound of his car door whether tonight was a smiling night or a hiding night. She was seven.
Moods change and shift, and to have to constantly be on guard for those changes is both exhausting and takes a lot of energy and intuition. As a result, those children end up being little performers themselves, but in a more craving manner rather than narcissistic.
They want to do well, and make their parent smile and be proud. They want to hide who they truly are because that might not align with what their parent wants to see or hear.
They think, "I'll be who you want me to be, so that you are happy with me and show me love."
Inside, they're messy and unhappy. They feel like they're missing a fundamental part of themselves, and that's because they are.
5 Parenting splits into two directions
Have you seen this for yourself? Maybe you've been the other parent who has had to raise children with a narcissist. Either way, that role is a tough one.
The fact is, you're up against something incredibly impossible to achieve, and whether or not you want to admit it, everything feels as though it's up to you to fix. I know that sadness.
I know people in those situations who have felt like they made the biggest mistake of their life starting a family with someone so toxic, but you love your children more than you regret your choices, and so you battle on to be the good parent, not just look the good parent.
One client said her kids would actually sigh with relief when their dad left the room. Sigh! Tiny kids, walking on eggshells, exhaling the moment he was gone. That tells you everything, doesn't it?
The truth is, you know your spouse. You know when the door closes at home, you see the real them. The one that isn't standing at the school gates commanding attention with their jokes and anecdotes.
You see the moods and understand how fractured it makes your children, not to mention you. Defending them has become your priority within the family dynamic, as much as you wish you could all just be happy together. You're the real good parent.
The narcissist is the one who is creating the division, stirring up drama, and making sure they remain the center of attention at all times.
6 The Photo Op Parent
You know the type. The school play happens, and suddenly there they are, front row, phone up, recording the whole thing like they're some kind of devoted parent of the year.
The photo goes up online before the curtain even closes. "So proud of my little star!" Cue the hearts and the comments from people who have no idea.
But here's the thing. Where were they last week when your kid was crying about lines they couldn't remember? Where were they at the dress rehearsal? Did they even know what part their child was playing?
Probably not.
The photo op parent shows up for the moments that have an audience. School gates at pickup, but only when other parents are watching. Birthday parties, but only the bit where the cake comes out and the camera's pointing their way.
It's parenting as performance. And the saddest part? The kid knows. They always know. They feel the difference between a parent who shows up for them and a parent who shows up for the photo.
7 What Happens Behind Closed Doors
Here's the part nobody else sees. The school run is over, the photos are posted, the comments are rolling in, and the front door closes.
And suddenly? Silence. Or worse.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsThe warmth they were just performing in the car park? Gone. Now it's, "Go to your room, I've had enough of you today." Or the cold shoulder for hours because the child dared to ask for help with homework.
I hear this from clients all the time. "He was the perfect dad at the party, then we got home and he didn't speak to any of us for two days." Does that sound familiar?
Behind closed doors, the mask is heavy. They're tired of holding it up. So they drop it, and whoever is closest catches the fallout. Usually the kids.
The meals they made a big show of cooking? The child eats alone while the narcissist scrolls their phone. The bedtime story they bragged about? Skipped, because they've "had a long day."
The performance was never for the child. It was never going to be.
