What would you say if I asked you what you enjoyed? Food? Seeing family or friends? Reading your favorite book?
I've sat across from clients who've whispered these things to me, things they've watched the narcissist enjoy, and they always end with, "Am I crazy for noticing this?" No. You're not.
All would be valid and healthy answers. Now if I were to find the first narcissist and ask them, their list would work out very differently. Sure, they may come out with these, but deep down, what they really love are very troubling things they'd never admit to loving.
Today is about me listing those five things, because I want to say what they don't have the courage to.
1 Always being a little late
What better way to stress everybody else out, right? That's the whole reason why narcissists really enjoy being a little late, not just once, but on nearly every occasion. There was no emergency, and there was no traffic. If they could be honest with themselves, a narcissist would say:
You know what? I just enjoy making everybody else wait for me because I love the control it gives me. The heads turn as soon as they walk into the room.
"Thank goodness you came!" "We were getting so worried about you!" "Was everything okay?" All these phrases and more play into the narcissist's hands perfectly.
I had a client tell me her ex would sit in the car around the corner for fifteen minutes, just so the entrance would land. Wild, isn't it?
It's all about me. You got that right. Each time this happens, it acts like a mini entrance for the narcissist, who is just pleased that they have got that much attention just by walking into a room without saying a word.
It's their dream scenario, and is a real power move for them. If they really respected other people's time, they would correct people by apologizing and blaming themselves for not leaving enough time, but no. Not a narcissist.
Once they realize this is in fact a great way to get heads turning, they will use being late throughout their life, knowing it will attract that same response. Pretty sad when you think about it, isn't it?
2 When you give off small indications that you're jealous
Have you ever noticed how much a narcissist loves to mention somebody new to you? When that fresh name crops up, they're not saying it because they genuinely want to introduce you to somebody they just met at work or whatever, they're scanning you for your reaction.
A narcissist thrives on sending you limited information; the only thing they truly love is seeing the frown etch across your face, followed by a few questions to get more out of them. They notice, trust me, and deep down even more troublingly, they love it.
Your jealousy tells the narcissist that they are in demand, and that to some extent, they still have a lot of value to offer.
I had a client tell me her ex would casually drop, "Sarah from the office said the funniest thing today," and then just sit there. Watching. Waiting for her face to drop.
It's as if you've said to them, "I feel really unsettled by this new person. What if you decide to be with them instead of me?"
I'm going to go there, because I feel like I really need to remind you of something right now…
…Would any normal, healthy person do this to you? The answer is a resounding no, and that's because emotionally healthy people aren't insecure to the point where they need your reaction to see them through the day.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseThey don't want to unease you, or unnecessarily mention somebody unless they offer far more information like the open books they are. Narcissists just love to see you compliment them by acting as though you're suddenly in competition with them.
Little do you know, that's how the narcissist is naturally making you feel.
3 When the people they resent misunderstand them
Let's unpick this, because I really need you to understand it. A narcissist loves a story about a villain, just as long as they are misunderstood and come out the hero.
Think about it; you had a disagreement with the narcissist and painted them out in some way to be the bad guy. Maybe you are the sibling, and you were always jealous. Being one of these people is actually quite nice for the narcissist.
It gives them a chance to say they were misunderstood, and that's a role they can really sink their teeth into.
I had a client whose brother told everyone at family dinners, "She froze me out for years, and I still don't know why." He knew why. He just loved telling it.
Before you know it, they've found themselves a new audience, and their grievance with that person can stay alive. Think about it; what better way to recruit sympathy than to keep spinning the same stories to new people they meet?
What better way to throw themselves into a story that they refuse to put down, and instead spend all their time running with? If there is that misunderstanding and you try to offer some kind of resolve to it, a narcissist will rarely take you up on that.
It's not because a resolution is impossible, but rather you'd be taking away a tool they can use for attention. They don't want you to cut their mileage short on a drive that they're really enjoying, and so they will just keep going.
4 A partner who looks far better than they could ever deserve
A narcissist wants a partner who really reflects on them, so they have to look good and be the right fit in more ways than one. Seeing as this is far more than simple compatibility, narcissists look for partners who can turn heads, and who people compliment.
By association, they want to look like that kind of person, too, even if they're more toxic than you could ever imagine. A narcissist loves this.
They really do enjoy knowing how lucky they are, and as a result will post all the photos and bring their partner to work events.
I had a client say to me, "He'd squeeze my hand at the party while telling everyone how stunning I was, and the second we got in the car, he'd tear me apart." Sound familiar?
The partner acts as a kind of trophy in this sense; being flaunted around like, "Look what I got!"
The secret they really love is how much they enjoy the contrast behind closed doors. They know how they treat you, and that's what makes them feel so pumped up.
It's dominance, and in a twisted way, it feels as if they're showing off the very person they get to manipulate and control when nobody else is looking. So in public, you get adored, but in private, you get ridiculed, mocked and yelled at. That imbalance turns every narcissist on.
5 The way you're anxiously attached to them
You overthink and apologize on the daily, thinking it'll make a difference someday, but it never does. You text them because they've been silent with you, so you ask if you did something wrong. A narcissist will love this.
The attention you give them through your worries and fears is exactly why they chose you to be their partner or best friend.
I had a client say to me, "I keep apologizing and I don't even know what for anymore." That right there is the trap. They love watching you scramble.
As you feel exhausted, all you're doing is giving them proof that you are invested in this, and you don't want to make any mistakes.
Secretly, the narcissist feels like your manager, getting to pick and choose everything from your moods to your reactions, and all because you feel so anxiously attached to them that you can't see the real story behind it all.
They know no matter what they do, you'll always run back to them and try to people-please your way back into their good books. The truth is, you never even earned a place in their bad books.
6 Watching You Second-Guess Yourself
Oh, this one. This is their bread and butter.
You ask a simple question. "Did you say we were meeting at seven?" And they tilt their head like you've just spoken in another language. "No, I said eight. I told you twice."
Did they? Did they really?
You go back through your messages. You scroll. You squint. And even when you find the proof, they've already moved on, leaving you sitting there wondering why you even bothered to check.
That right there? That's what they love. That little flicker of doubt in your eyes. The pause before you speak. The way you start every sentence with, "Sorry, I might be wrong, but..."
They feed off it. Honestly, they do. Because every time you second-guess yourself, you hand them a little more space to operate in. A little more room to rewrite things. A little more permission to be the version of events that everyone else believes.
And the worst part? You don't even realize you're doing it. Not at first.
7 When Someone Else Gets Hurt By Them, Not Just You
There's a strange satisfaction they get when the hurt spreads. When it's not just you carrying the weight anymore, but your friend, your sister, the coworker who used to like them.
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A SweatWhy? Because it proves something to them. It proves they're powerful enough to leave a mark on more than one person. It's like collecting little trophies of damage.
I had a client tell me she once watched her ex make her best friend cry at a dinner party. And instead of being mortified, he looked, in her words, "lit up." Like he'd just won something.
That's the part that turns your stomach, isn't it? The realization that the pain isn't a side effect. It's the point.
And when more people get hurt, the narcissist also gets something else they love. A bigger pool of confused, shaken people who don't quite know what just happened. More fog. More chaos. More room for them to move around in.
Hurting you was never the limit. It was the warm up.
