I know, and trust me, it's so frustrating:
The narcissist ruined everything, yet they're the ones standing there crying like they were wronged by you. If that wasn't bad enough, there will be this tiny voice in your mind that is already feeling bad about seeing those tears.
I've had clients sit in front of me, still shaking, saying, "But they were crying, Alexander. Actually crying." As if tears alone rewrite the entire history of what happened. They don't.
You want to say sorry and throw an arm of care around their shoulder. Don't. Finding out why they do this, will make you not want to go near them.
1 Yes… those tears are so real
The complication around a narcissist crying is that in fact, those tears are real. You aren't imagining them. They're both falling and visible, and so it can be difficult to interpret them for what they really are. That's why I write these topics; so everything becomes crystal clear for you.
As the tears from the narcissist's eyes fall, they're proving to you that they can cry, and that they can find things to be sad about. You think it's about you, and when they tell you that's why, you believe them.
The truth is, those tears are almost never about you. There's no grief on their part that you've gone, or that they've lost you, but they sure as hell can cry and tell you that's what the deal is.
I had a client sob down the phone to me once, saying, "But he was crying, Alexander. Nobody fakes that." And I had to gently tell her, oh yes, they absolutely do.
You believe them, and too many victims do the same, which is why those patterns and dynamics are hard to break. As for remorse, don't assume they've even got an ounce of it because they don't.
They treated you exactly how they planned to, and it's you who is going to be made to feel as though you ruined everything.
You worked for them, and the way you were in the relationship was handy for them as you were there every single time they needed or wanted your attention (note I said your attention and not you). Now you're taking that away, they're genuinely upset that attention is leaving.
This was never about missing you, it was always going to be about what you're taking with you when you walk out the door. The problem is when victims wish it was because of them.
2 "I cannot believe this"
Well, the narcissist will be thinking this, but what can they do about it? Not much! In their mind, they didn't want the relationship ruined in any way.
They were happy to just plod along and make sure they got everything they wanted, among the power of full control over you and your emotions. It was you who gave up. You threw the towel in and said enough was enough, which means you stopped trying.
Walking away was all on you, and for that reason, the narcissist knows they can tell the world that it was you who ruined it and gave up on the best thing that 'ever happened to them' (apparently…).
I had a client whose ex called her twenty-three times in one night, sobbing that she'd destroyed him. She'd left that morning because he threw her phone at a wall. Ruined everything, sure.
I gave you everything. After everything I did for you. You'll never meet anyone else who loves you the way I love you. This will sound like something you've heard before, because that's how a narcissist talks when they see things are moving away from them that they need around.
They need you. A panicked narcissist will not want you to walk away, and the only thing they can do to make themselves feel somewhat better is blame you as being the one who took your relationship and sabotaged it.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseThe important thing to remember here is that you just cannot absorb that like it's the truth.
3 They know they don't have control any longer
Have you ever heard of the phrase, crocodile tears? You cry, you give it a convincing display of emotion, yet nothing is really behind it other than the desire for the other person to feel sorry for you.
It's said those people who pretend like this, or maybe even cry real tears, are just brilliant at faking it and making it seem as though there's a real issue, when in fact, it's just a case of giving it up and stop trying to make a big deal of it.
If a narcissist is crying, it's very much a case of crocodile tears. Here's what they really mean. For the course of your entire relationship, the narcissist was the one in control. They held, and loved holding, all of the power.
I had a client tell me her ex sobbed on the doorstep, then two hours later sent a text saying, "You'll regret this." That's not heartbreak, that's a tantrum with tears.
It was down to them when you were forgiven, and they decided when you slipped up and needed punishing. They also knew the right moments (albeit rare) where you should be shown a margin of affection, and it really wasn't much, or very often.
Having that much control over one person should never be allowed, but a narcissist implements it over time, taking little by little bit away from you.
If your relationship has died, you've only got the narcissist to blame, but to make it easier on themselves, they will cry and blame you. All that power I've just spoken about goes; you take it with you never to be seen again.
The narcissist realizes they aren't the regulation (or dysregulation) of your nervous system any more, and they're unable to regulate the emotions of someone who has walked away. Crying is their last resort, and if it's worked before, they hope it'll work again.
You believe people who cry have a real regret about how they treated you, but on this occasion, there's no remorse, just pain that they've not got you to control any more.
4 Do you get the point yet? Guilt trips!
The narcissist here is clearly trying to guilt trip, and you'd better believe it; they do it very convincingly. They ruined the relationship, but the performance and tears will lead everyone to think that it was you who ruined it all.
The automatic default is to comfort the person who is sad, not the one standing there with a frown of confusion on their face. The narcissist wants everyone to know it and believe them.
I had a client whose ex sobbed at a family dinner about how she'd 'thrown him away.' By dessert, her own mother was hugging him. Sound familiar?
Those tears fall, and are caught by their loved ones. I never saw this coming. Really? Because I sure as heck did.
5 The things a narcissist will never cry about
You owe the narcissist nothing, I repeat, nothing. You think you do at the time, but trust me, there's no energy that should be given to them. They won't cry about all those times they made you look like a fool in front of people you care about.
They won't cry remembering all the times they told you that you weren't good enough. They won't cry about those times they gave you the silent treatment for days on end while you walked on eggshells trying to find out why.
I had a client ask me once, "Do you think he ever thinks about what he did to me?" And honestly? No. He thinks about what he lost. Big difference, isn't it?
None of that surfaces. The tears are about what they've lost, and that they won't ever get it back, not that they abused you both in public and private. Yep, that's right. Their tears still aren't about how they loved you and lost you.
The narcissist lost you, their main source of supply. For them, there's really no way back from it other than to make you the bad guy and lay all blame on you.
6 Wait, Are They Actually Sad? Nope.
I get asked this all the time. "But Alexander, they looked genuinely upset. There were real tears. Are you sure they weren't sad?"
Yeah. I'm sure.
Here's the thing. What you're watching isn't sadness, it's panic. It's the sudden realization that a supply source is walking out the door, or that they've been caught, or that the image they've spent years polishing is about to get a scratch on it.
That's not grief. That's damage control with wet eyes.
Real sadness has stillness to it. It's quiet. It doesn't perform. It doesn't check to see if you're watching. It doesn't dry up the second you say, "Okay, I'll stay."
Have you noticed how quickly their tears can stop when they get what they want? One minute they're broken, the next they're eating a sandwich and scrolling their phone.
Sadness doesn't work like a light switch. Panic does. Manipulation does.
So no, they aren't actually sad. They're scared of losing control. There's a huge difference.
7 The Audience Matters More Than The Tears
Have you ever noticed the tears only really flow when there's somebody watching?
Think about it. When you're alone with them and you bring up what they did, the crying is thin. A sniffle, maybe a wobble.
But the second a friend walks in, or a family member calls, or you're standing in the kitchen with your mum in the next room, suddenly the waterworks are Oscar-worthy.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsIsn't that convenient?
The tears aren't for you. They never were. They're a performance for whoever might be in earshot, because the narcissist knows exactly how it looks when a grown adult is sobbing and you're standing there stony-faced.
Guess who becomes the villain in that snapshot? You do.
I've had clients tell me, "The moment his mother left the room, he just stopped. Like a tap." And that's it, right there. That's the tell.
If the tears switch on and off depending on who's watching, they were never real. They were staging.
