While you're at home doing all the things you can do to try to please him, the narcissist is looking straight through you. You love as hard as you can, but nothing makes a difference. His mother?
One client said to me, "He kisses her hand at dinner, then barely looks at me on the drive home." Sound familiar? It's not you. It never was.
That's a different story altogether. She gets all the good, warm smiles and acts of affection, as well as a large dose of patience. You were promised this version, and if that is familiar to you at all, I want to tell you why this happens.
1 Yes, she gets THAT version of him
How familiar does this sound to you:
The narcissist will reach out to his mother within minutes of her trying to call him. He will drive hours to get to her home just to help her move a piece of furniture from one end of the room to another.
He will defend her in every single conversation that arises, without even being prompted to do so. A hard read, isn't it? While the narcissist is reacting this way to his mother, you're left on the complete flip side of that coin.
I had a client tell me her husband once drove three hours to fix his mum's dripping tap, then couldn't be bothered to pick up milk on his way home to her. Sound familiar?
You send a text asking how his day is, and if you're lucky enough to get any kind of reply, it'll be short, sharp and cold, plus it'll arrive hours after you sent yours.
It makes you wonder what his mother has that you don't have, and the answer I'm afraid isn't going to be something you like. Don't get me wrong, sons are allowed to care for their mothers. They're allowed to be concerned and want to help and support her.
But this is a whole new level kind of stuff.
2 So, what's really going on?
Get comfortable and be prepared for some truths. The narcissist's mother is not a threat to him at all. She is the safest form of supply he has, and that's why it's so important to him to keep her happy and worship her so much.
The narcissist's mother will throw all of these things her way without even being asked:
Her affection. That's her boy, after all. She wants to make it clear that she loves him and that he will always be her son, no matter how old he is. Her approval is unconditional.
She wants him to be happy, make good choices, and live the best life he can build for himself. His identity goes completely unchallenged.
I had a client whose mother-in-law once said to her, "He's just sensitive, you have to be careful with him." At forty two years old! Can you imagine?
She's known this man since the day she gave birth to him and saw him grow up from a boy to a man. She knows his behavior, and has never questioned it because it's just 'who he is.'
That being said, his mother has never held him accountable for anything, choosing to protect him instead. He's never grown as a result, just got bigger and less caring about the people he meets in his life. You? You're totally different.
You love the man as a partner, but you also have needs and opinions of your own. On occasions, you do defend yourself and push back on their treatment of you because something isn't right, or words they've said aren't fair.
Healthy adults do this, but equally it terrifies the narcissist who feels constantly exposed each time you stand up for yourself. Seeing behind that mask and being prepared to admit someone else resides there is something the narcissistic man's mother will never do.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseIf you're asking why they worship their mother but treat you like you're nothing, this might start to show you why that is.
3 The 'give it away' signs
Listen. My mother is the only person who gets me. She has been there for me all these years. You could learn something from how she handles things. My mother never complains the way you do.
Well, the narcissist is right about those things, because his mother's priority is her precious son. This is a woman who doesn't get the romantic version like you do, and who doesn't have to wait up or hear yet another lie coming through.
I had a woman tell me her ex once said, "My mom would have had dinner ready by now." She wasn't his wife. She was his audition, and she was failing on purpose.
She still sees that little boy she raised, and will do anything to care for and protect him, which is why, yes, you both get totally different versions of the man you both know.
The reason he will compare you to his mother is because he is using that comparison as the ultimate tool to make you chase this standard. It's a standard you're never going to meet and by design, that was the original plan.
He will compare you to her and use those comparisons as the very weapon to get you to start treating him the way his mother does, but you'll never be able to. Not because you can't, but because the dynamics simply don't allow it. You're not his mother.
4 Good women equals those who never question him
This is the problem, right? Sit with this one for a little while, because it really hits deep. A narcissist will have been raised by someone who put him on a pedestal.
They never questioned him or made him feel like he did anything wrong, and of course, that's really the perfect woman he wants to find romantically, too. These traits matter; they mean the narcissist gets to be with someone who always forgives, and who never sees anything wrong with him.
I had a client tell me her ex actually said, "My mom never spoke to my dad like that." She replied, "Yeah, and look how that turned out." He didn't speak to her for three days.
Big mistake. You're not that person. As you walk into the narcissist's life, you become someone who does question what's not right, and where necessary, holds the narcissist to account. I'd say that was pretty standard where toxic people are concerned.
It's healthy to challenge someone who isn't behaving in good ways, especially affecting you.
5 A battle you were never destined to win
How can you possibly win against someone who is such a big and important part of the narcissist's life? You can be soft, you can be quiet, you can be more accommodating; but that won't get you anywhere.
I had a client say to me, "I could stand on my head juggling flaming swords and he'd still call his mother first." And honestly? She was right.
The version of himself that he is with his mother will never be a version you have access to, but the interesting part of all of that is:
The version his mother gets is a performance. Of course, they put on a show for the audience who comes to see the show every single night.
You're never going to win against that, not when the narcissist saves all their best behavior for the one person who will never not support him.
6 You think it's because you lack… but…
If you think you are too much, then I want to stand firm and correct you here! Sure, he may have called you needy, and made you feel as though you're some kind of problem, but in reality, what is he actually doing here?
I had a woman tell me, "He said I was suffocating him," while he called his mother three times a day. Suffocating? Really? Look in the mirror, buddy.
He's holding a mirror up to himself, and demanding that you take on what he sees as your own personality.
All you want to do is be treated like a normal person, but you won't get that due to how much control the narcissist has over both his mother and you. Stop fighting it, and start finding the door to get out.
7 Mom Can Do No Wrong, But You? Forget It
Have you noticed this? His mom can burn the dinner, forget his birthday, say something wildly out of line, and it's all fine. She's just having a tough week. She meant well. She's tired.
You? You breathe in the wrong direction and suddenly you're "impossible to live with."
The double standard is wild, isn't it? She gets endless grace. You get a rap sheet.
I've had clients tell me things like, "His mother said the meanest thing about my weight at Sunday lunch, and he laughed. When I mentioned it in the car, he said I was overreacting and ruining the day."
Overreacting. Sure.
Here's the thing. His mom occupies a position in his head that you never will, because she was there first, and because criticising her would mean admitting something painful about how he was raised. So she stays untouchable.
And you? You're the safe target. The one he can offload all his frustration onto without any of the guilt he'd feel if he ever aimed it at her.
Convenient for him. Exhausting for you.
8 The Comparison Trap That Never Ends
You will never win. Ever. Do you know why? Because the comparison isn't real. It's rigged.
His mom's roast is better than yours. His mom's house is cleaner. His mom knew exactly how he liked his shirts ironed by the time he was seven, and here you are, apparently unable to fold a towel correctly.
See also THIS is What Makes Narcissists"My mom would never have done it like that."
Oh, wouldn't she? How lovely for her.
The thing is, it doesn't matter how hard you try. You could learn the recipes, memorize her routines, become a domestic goddess overnight, and it still wouldn't be enough. There'd be something else. A tone of voice. The way you laugh. Something.
And here's what I want you to sit with. The comparison isn't about her being amazing. It's about keeping you small. Keeping you reaching. Keeping you desperate to measure up to a woman who, by the way, probably isn't even that impressed by him either.
You're chasing a finish line he keeps moving. That's not a race. That's a trap.
