You may have the gut feeling that something isn't quite right, but where narcissists are concerned, those feelings really are the tip of the iceberg.
Each time you go through something big, they make sure the conversation winds right back to them, but this isn't by chance, this is how they operate.
A client said to me last week, "Alexander, I told him my mum was in hospital and within two minutes he was talking about his own back pain." Ring any bells?
In truth, you're not on their list of concerns at all, and what you have to say goes in one ear and out the other. These priorities fit that bill perfectly, and today is where I share them with you.
1 Their image
I was never going to not write image first, after all, it's the single most important part of a narcissist according to them. Image is everything.
It's the kind of priority that every other priority feeds off, and without it, the narcissist is just a normal person without anything they feel going on for them. I see the narcissist viewing their image and working on it every single day as an unpaid full time job.
What I mean by image includes, but is certainly not limited to:
The car they drive. It has to be perfect, clean, shiny and ready to thrash the streets at any given moment. The clothes they wear aren't seen as clothes; they're seen as a full extension of the narcissist's mind and body.
I had a client tell me once that her ex spent two hours retaking a selfie for LinkedIn while their toddler cried in the next room. That's the priority pyramid right there.
They represent everything about their status, therefore they're usually expensive and obviously so. Their LinkedIn profile. I don't want to sound like I'm clutching at straws here, but their professional online networking system has to be perfect. If it isn't, then people will think they're a failure in their career.
Needing to be seen as chasing their goals, meeting them, exceeding them, and all the while not breaking into a single sweat screams 'I am important.'
Even the way they relay a story. They must get all the pretend facts in to seemingly come across as someone who knows it all, knows all the right people and has all the strong connections in the world.
These people are always a friend of a friend of someone rich and famous. You're nothing but a prop to that image; you are not anything special.
2 They hunt admiration like they're hunting for food
I'm starving, I'm going to go scour the kitchen until I find something I'm satisfied with. An hour later, I will be starving again, and will need to search for more food. This is exactly how a narcissist acts when they're in search of admiration.
It's a form of supply, like all others, they can't produce themselves, and so the hunt is constant and clear. That means you can give them a compliment, but don't expect their little happy, buzzy feeling from it to last more than an hour or so.
Soon enough, they will be hunting for more, so they go looking for it.
I had a client tell me her ex would refresh his LinkedIn notifications at the dinner table. Every ping was a hit. She sat there watching him vanish into his phone.
They look for it at work when they hand in their projects or sales for the week. They look for it in friends as they show up in that new car they've just bought.
They search for it in strangers as they go all out to be polite to them, hold doors open, and work their charm. Even more worryingly, they search for it online with strangers you know nothing about while you're lying next to them sleeping.
This means you aren't the sort of priority you perhaps want to be, but it should leave you asking, do you want to be a priority of someone so self-involved? The answer should be no.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House3 Control is their obsession
Control will always trump you, after all, without it, what does the narcissist have? NOTHING! Let's look at control through the lens of a narcissist, because I don't want you to think they're constantly bossing people around and making such obvious demands. Control can look like:
I just care about you.
I had a client whose ex used to call her ten times a day 'just to check in.' Sweet, right? Except she couldn't go to the store without him needing coordinates.
I worry. I want you to be okay, and not taken advantage of. It's framed with you in mind. Isn't that lovely of them?
Maybe it would be if they were being genuine, but it's all manipulation, and it all means you bypass their real motive in favor of viewing them as people who want the best for you.
4 They start an argument to win it every time
The reason a narcissist starts an argument is never to resolve an issue, it's always because they want to win. Don't be surprised if they kick off and argue about the argument, too!
You can explain all you want how it makes you feel, but ultimately, you're likely to end up apologizing, and you don't even know how you wound up there. Why?
I had a client say to me, "I walked in wanting to talk about the weekend and walked out apologizing for something I did in 2019." That's the whole trick, isn't it?
The narcissist wants you confused; it's where they like you the best. Arguments are a little bit like carving; there's always a shape they want to make with what they have, and you're the one getting chipped away until whatever the narcissist wants is right there. If you're confident?
That's where they hate you the most, so arguing is a line up for gaslighting and eventual winning.
5 Their own comfort, all the time
Nothing beats being comfortable, but as far as the narcissist is concerned, their comfort is all that matters.
They like to pick where they eat out, they want all weekend plans to suit them, they like what they like, and you've no business trying to change any of that, so don't bother.
I had a client tell me her husband would sigh loudly the second she started talking about her day. Every time. She stopped bothering. He didn't even notice she'd gone quiet.
The same goes if you've had a bad day. If you try to discuss it with the narcissist, there will be very little interest unless it's them having a terrible time.
If you don't mind living in their world while you abandon yours entirely, then a narcissist will be the perfect person to choose.
6 Supply that's fresh
If things were to get a little weird at home, or if you start being the person who doesn't react to the bait of a narcissist, then let me tell you, the narcissist will look elsewhere.
All it takes is someone new at work to think they're incredible, and they've got themselves a new source of supply that they will love.
I had a client whose husband came home glowing about a new coworker who 'really gets my vision.' Three weeks later, my client was the villain in that story. Sound familiar?
It doesn't necessarily have to be physical, but it's the thrill of someone new that will tick the narcissist's box; someone who doesn't know them, nor the full story.
They will look at the narcissist how you used to, and they will be prioritized over you because there's so much they don't know.
7 Accountability is avoided at every cost
Ooh, talk about saving the best 'til last! Accountability and narcissists never go together, not in a million years. You want them to own a mistake, sit in something uncomfortable, say sorry and actually mean it? You're wishing on a star that died a long time ago.
I had a client whose ex actually said, "I would apologize but I didn't do anything wrong." That was his version of accountability. Word for word. Can you believe that?
If you're wondering why the narcissist never shows up for you, this will be why. Why don't they put your needs first? Because they don't want to, and because doing so will mean they're accountable for supporting you.
None of this acts as an oversight, these are simply non-priorities that all narcissists sidestep.
8 Revenge, Always Simmering
You wronged them once in 2017? Oh, they remember. They remember the exact sentence, the exact tone, the exact room you were standing in.
Narcissists keep a mental list, and it never gets shorter. It only grows.
And here's the thing. You might have moved on completely. You might have forgotten the disagreement even happened. But them? They're still stewing. Still plotting. Still working out how they're going to get back at you, even if it takes them years.
Isn't that exhausting to think about? Carrying that much resentment around, all day, every day?
I've had clients tell me, "He waited two years to bring it up again, Alexander. Two years." And when he did, it was calculated. Precise. Designed to hurt.
Revenge lives in the narcissist like a slow cooker on low heat. Always warm. Always ready. And any little thing can turn the temperature up.
That's a priority for them. Not you, not the relationship, not peace. Just keeping score, and waiting for the right moment to even it.
9 Being The Victim, Even When They're Not
If there's one role a narcissist will fight tooth and nail for, it's the victim role. And it doesn't even matter if they're the one who caused the whole mess.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsYou could confront them about something they did, and within two minutes they're the one crying, sighing, telling you how hard their life is, how misunderstood they are. "After everything I've done for you, this is how you treat me?"
Wait, what?
You came in with a legitimate concern and somehow you're now apologizing? Yeah, that's the whole trick.
Playing the victim is a priority because it gets them off the hook every single time. Sympathy, attention, the moral high ground, all wrapped up in one move. Not bad for a two minute performance.
And they will tell anybody who listens. Family, friends, coworkers, the woman at the checkout if she makes eye contact for too long. Everybody has to know how hard they've had it, and coincidentally, you're usually the villain in the story.
Funny how that works, isn't it?
