Victims of narcissistic abuse are wired to think that if a narcissist hates them, that they've done something terribly wrong:
You're wrong!
If the narcissist hates you, I've learned that it comes from you doing everything right for yourself, at least.
If someone loves you as much as they say they do, why do they work so hard to bring you down? That's where your attention should be, so that you know their hatred of you is all because you're getting under their skin in all the best ways.
1You read that right: hate
A narcissist is so good at hating, and I hear it all the time from you. Whether you're commenting or messaging me, your contact always boils down to one thing:
"The narcissist in my life is hateful toward me."
And you're right; they do everything that tells you they hate you, right?
They talk bad about you to anyone who will listen. They freeze you out of conversations, occasions or events wherever possible. They turn people against you. They make your life difficult every single day. They claim you're worthless, or too sensitive, or crazy. They tell you that you're unlovable.
A narcissist will go to so many lengths to make you think you're hated, but this all takes time, energy, effort, planning. The narcissist in turn, is giving you so much attention, and why? Because they cannot stop thinking about you.
That's a lot of investment on someone they claim to not care about to the point where hate is felt and experienced by you.
The focus should really be on how much the narcissist is claiming to hate you, while seemingly not being able to leave you alone.
There has to be something deeper going on then, doesn't there? I mean, for me, if I can't stand a person, I don't want to give them any of my time or energy because I would rather preserve those things for myself or the people and things I actually care about.
See alsoThe One Loss a Narcissist Can Never Recover From
Hatred felt by you from a narcissist means there's much more going on under the surface, which I'm about to dig into.
2The truth about what's going on
Hatred really makes itself known when a person does all the right things for themselves, and none of the right things by the narcissist.
Think of it like this; the narcissist wants you small and quiet. If you play that game, they have less of a problem with you. If you defy that demand they're making of you, you'll give them a huge problem.
You'll start to notice hatred creeping in the moment you stop agreeing with them, or the moment you decide to walk away. You start to refuse to shrink in their presence, and sit up straighter, smile a little bigger, laugh a little louder, and do all the things you want to do without their disapproval putting you off.
The narcissist, right on cue, will tell you that it's all your fault:
See also5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
"You've changed." "What's with you?" "Why are you acting up?" "It's like I don't even know you any more."
These are all signs the narcissist is riled, and that they've spotted you are the reason for that.
You've stopped being so easy to control, and that's a tough place for the narcissist to try to live comfortably because now you've shown them that you're a person no longer willing to play their games.
There's a lot to be said for that, and so the hatred will inevitably spill out; proof that it was never about your flaws, but rather about how strong you are when faced with them.
The narcissist can't stand your strength.
3The campaign to destroy you
The smear campaign begins. It's really the only way they can get your name in everyone else's mouths and minds for all the wrong reasons:
"I'm just warning you; don't trust them." "I tried so hard to maintain a relationship with them, and I got nothing back." "They aren't the kind person you think they are."
So much hatred for you, yet so much time to talk about you. Doesn't make sense, does it?
See alsoThe Narcissist Was Looking For Your Replacement While You Were Still Fighting For The Relationship
This is narcissists all over. These people can become so consumed by certain people that they continue their quest to get you to walk around with a bad reputation, and have people think terrible things about you.
This isn't hatred at all.
The narcissist is obsessed.
They just don't like to admit that you live rent free in their minds day and night.
4Listen to what the narcissist's rage is telling you
I think this is where I need you to be the most, as it's the place where you can gain a lot of understanding as to how narcissists operate in general.
A narcissist will only target what threatens them.
If someone is truly beneath them, a narcissist will have no time for these people. They don't care. They don't mix. They don't talk. They don't walk all over their lives.
Why would they waste their precious time on such irrelevance?
You however, are not that person. If you rattle the narcissist's cage, it's usually because you've got something good going on in your life, or about you.
They will come for you with everything they have, because you scare them.
A client told me once that her husband would never admit when he was scared of something she was doing or achieving. She'd just know because he would ramp up his efforts to mock her. She saw through them luckily, and continued to be who she set out to be, and needless to say, the relationship did not last.
The biggest indirect compliment a narcissist can give you is when they act with so much malice toward you. It means you're doing something very right (for you).
5The win is yours, so own it proudly!
See also5 Basic Etiquettes Narcissistic Men Never Learn, and Because of That, Keep Humiliating Their Partner
First off, I want you to know that it's pretty wise to document whatever you can when it comes to narcissists, especially if they seem to want to let you know how much they hate you.
Things can get dangerous with these people, and you want to make sure you've got evidence if you need it in the future. Protect yourself.
Also…
…Own the win, because you deserve it. These are people who won't hesitate to ruin your life given half a chance, and so when they throw the bait your way, you walk away instead of taking a great big bite.
Anything that's designed to make you appear to be unstable is what the narcissist is trying to achieve, but see it as a compliment.
Strange? Yes. But when you understand the narcissist wants to destroy you because you are a version of a person they cannot stand.
You're kind, confident, powerful. Radiant, joyous, successful; all the things the narcissist wishes they had going for them instead of you.
You exist, and for the narcissist, that's painful enough.
For you?
See alsoTHIS is What Makes Narcissists
You've got a great life!
Whatever happens, remember this:
The narcissist will run their campaign about you regardless.
I honestly say, let them. Let them whisper, who cares?
The people worth having around are the people who believe you, not them.
