If a man is married and has kids, that entire dynamic should be front and center of their entire universe. Signing up to be a husband and a father should come with no regrets, and no terms and conditions, yet a narcissistic man will make you realize a hard truth somewhere along the way:
Something is very wrong.
Ahead of you on his priority list are these 5 things I want to share with you, so that you know why you seem to always 'fall short,' and why family time is always cut short or not even entertained at all.
Be prepared for some pretty sad truths.
1His image (as if that was never going to be on the list!)
What kind of a list would this be if I didn't talk about the narcissist's image? It's literally the one platform they work on that everything else follows on from: image is everything.
It doesn't matter if this man has a wife and children sitting at home; image comes before they do.
Toxic men tend to live by one question they ask themselves multiple times per day:
"How is this going to look for me?"
He sees an opportunity to coach his son's football team: "How is this going to look for me?"
He gets a chance to buy you flowers in public: "How is this going to look for me?"
He heads to his annual family Christmas gathering: "How is this going to look for me?"
It's constant, but his image is the whole game, and without it, he has nothing. This means you and your children act like nothing but props to him, and if you're making him look good, he's happy.
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It's weird in a way that anyone wants to live like this, rather than see opportunities to be a good husband and dad and just go with it, no questions asked. To have the first thought that comes into your mind be, "How is this going to look for me?" is wild, but is only for the most egotistical people on the planet:
He can be married and be a father, and you still won't come close to how important his own image is. To know that is to at least know that this isn't personal against you or your family; it's all him.
2His entire network of supply
A client once told me:
"Alexander, my husband had all these people in his life who thought he was amazing. I'd be stopped in the street by his coworkers telling me how efficient, patient and kind he is at work. Our gardener would tell me how he always had drinks brought out to him, and that my husband was a funny, engaging man. My own friends would even get in on it, telling me how lucky I was to have someone who was so keen to take care of me and our kids.
If only they all knew."
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How true is this? It's as true as it is infuriating for people to have to deal with the reality that people in this man's life only exist to serve a purpose.
Little do they know this same man forgets your birthday. He is too busy to attend parent's evening at school. He doesn't hear the baby cry at night because he was 'fast asleep.'
You feel like you're parenting alone, and you have no support, and that's all down to the very man who everyone holds a torch to.
The reason is because this narcissistic man is going to pretend to be someone they're not in order to keep that supply close by.
They will take whatever they can get.
3His job in very surprising ways
By surprising I mean there is absolutely no trace of ambition in their tiny, toxic minds. Healthy ambition is wanting to build a good family life and home using what you know to earn and grow money.
What he has is something wildly different; he has a career where he gets to play the role of hero. He loves to be the smartest person in the room, admired and loved by all.
"Wow, you're so clever."
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"I need your expert opinion on something."
He thrives.
How can a family at home compete with that kind of ego boost?
"I do all of this for us."
He will tell you that, but his work will always be where he wants to be more, because it's where he's admired more.
That's not where you boost him, it's where you notice who he's lying to and performing for.
Clue: it isn't you or your children.
4Conflict he's able to come out winning with
Every narcissistic man loves an argument, to the point where it can be 2 in the morning, and he's still running you around the same fight he started at 8pm the previous evening.
He doesn't want to understand your feelings, and he isn't interested in any kind of resolution, but he does want to make sure he comes out winning.
Remember, you're the one who gets up early with the kids, and gets them to school safely with their lunches. Yet you're being kept awake, and your head is kept spinning by someone who just wants you to tell them that they're right.
How unfair is that?!
The kids are in bed all settled, and the narcissist is making sure the house stays tense, so that you stay exhausted.
Meanwhile, the next morning as you're brewing the world's strongest coffee, he got the win he wanted.
See alsoWhy the End of a Narcissistic Relationship Is So Psychologically Violent
It's a crazy way of getting power and control over you, but it will be prioritized over yours and your children's wellbeing.
5His very own solitude and comfort
Leaving this until last means it's going to stick with you the most, but it's just so true.
A narcissistic man will preach to you about his peace being so important, and he will move heaven and earth to get it.
He disappears. He's working. He's on his phone.
He's in the garage. He's watching his favorite show.
If you interrupt him, you're the bad guy.
"Why are you bothering me?"
"I told you I was busy."
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All you wanted was a chat and some family time, maybe a walk in the park with the children, but no. Looks as though you'll be solo parenting again today, as he prioritizes what he wants in favor of being a family unit that's actually healthy.
I think this one stings because you can spend your life trying to figure out how to be more appealing to him. You try to sell him the family life, when in fact, there's nothing wrong with you or what you're trying to create.
You're just dealing with a narcissistic cry baby man who doesn't see what he has and how beautiful that is.
You don't fit in anywhere, and neither do your kids.
The sad reality is that no matter what you do, or how much time and space you offer him, he's never going to suddenly prefer to spend that Sunday afternoon with you baking and having fun.
