Imagine the house is empty. The narcissist isn't at work, or out with friends. They're there, alone and on the couch with nothing, not even so much as an audience.
A client once asked me, "Alexander, what do they even do when nobody's watching?" And I paused, because honestly, that question says more about the narcissist than any answer ever could.
I know, hard to picture, right? You'd be shocked how many people can't imagine this image. That's because they've never really seen a narcissist spend so much time alone without a soul to charm or offend. Let it be my job then, to show you what this really looks like.
1 They scroll their phones … constantly
When a narcissist is alone, the first thing you really want to be aware of is just how much their phones are obsessed over.
This is far more than you are probably thinking, I mean, when they're alone, you aren't around, so that phone usage goes from a solid 8 to a 10 in seconds. And here's the best part: the narcissist isn't watching anything of interest.
There's nothing in particular to shout about, it's just this constant scroll that almost numbs them. It's automatic. The thumb rolls down the screen as more information flies past their face.
I had a client describe her ex sitting on the couch for three hours, thumb moving, eyes dead, not laughing at a single thing. Just hunting. Doesn't that paint a grim picture?
They're not searching, they're hunting for something to feed from. A friend's vacation. A friend's new car. A cousin's job promotion. A sibling's break up. A coworker's mental health issues.
Any news the narcissist can grab and use for their own good in some way is looked out for. So is any reel that they can relate to or look at themselves in, but behind it all is a glazed pair of eyes not really thinking about anything specific.
If all else fails, the narcissist will resort to their inbox, looking for that flirty message to give them a brief yet essential dopamine hit. As long as they feel superior by the end of it, that's all that matters.
2 They cannot sit with any silence
I don't know if you know this about narcissists, but I want to make it clear this is very different from those who genuinely struggle to sit still or think in silence.
This is more about the hatred of anything that allows them a small moment to just be on their own and be quiet. There has to be a TV on, or some background noise. Some music playing is also a popular one, or a podcast of any choice.
Maybe even all three are going on at the same time, while they are on their phone. It isn't because they struggle with the peace and quiet and need to shut their busy minds off, it's because the silence acts like a huge mirror to them.
Silence tells a narcissist that they have these inner thoughts that they're trying to avoid, and the moment all noise stops is the moment that noise starts to rise to the surface.
I had a client tell me her ex would fall asleep with the TV blaring every single night. She'd switch it off, and he'd jolt awake within minutes. Every time.
You're pathetic. You're so insecure. You just try to be this person that you aren't. You have zero emotions. You don't have any real friends. This little voice that's tried to be kept quiet gets super loud, and so any noise helps deter it.
The narcissist then cannot survive unless all of that and more is going on, unlike a truly happy and settled person who just loves the serenity of nothing. Silence to a narcissist equals panic.
3 They pick fights over text
What else better has the narcissist got to do with their sad little lives other than start a war they never intend on doing in person? They love to pick fights over text, and they will scroll through their contacts until they find the right people to do that with.
It does tend to be the same group on rotation, so perhaps you're one of them in your own life and know exactly what I'm talking about. Where are you? You said you'd be half an hour!
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseWhat's the point in putting this tiny bit of milk back in the fridge? Why do you never bother to tidy up the couch and fluff the pillows? It's so annoying!
I had a client whose ex sent her 47 messages during a single coffee with her sister. 47! By the time she got home she was shaking, apologizing for existing. Sound familiar?
We need to talk when you get back. Okay, great. You're out doing whatever it is you're doing and the narcissist clearly has no hobbies because they've decided yet again to target you via text. They aren't upset.
They want you to think they are, but this all boils down to boredom. You start dreading daring to go out and do anything alone because it always ends up being some kind of drama that you have to read about and explain.
The narcissist knows what they're doing here, trust me. They just want you to stop going out and having a life of your own. It's antagonistic, and they'll keep doing it because they get the response out of you that they want.
4 They practise…
As strange as this one is, it's also very real. The narcissist, when alone, will practise everything they can without the audience being there. This is so the actual performance goes just the way they want it to, but first, they must go it alone.
They rehearse what they've got planned to say to their boss on Monday.
And it's not just words. They practise facial expressions in the mirror too. The concerned look. The hurt look. The wounded victim face they'll pull out when someone questions them.
They practise smiling at the cute receptionist at the gym. They think of all the clever comebacks to that person who riles them. Out loud, in their minds, under their breaths, it all matters, and it all counts.
I once heard of a narcissist who rehearsed what he wanted to say into voice notes on his phone, so he could play them back and listen to where he needed to make improvements. How crazy and self-absorbed is that?!
5 They drink more than they care to admit
A narcissist will usually love to drink alcohol. One glass becomes two, and eventually two will become a whole bottle. They aren't drinking because they feel down and out, or sad, not exactly anyway. They drink like this because they don't have anything else.
They have no real friends, and so when they're alone, they see a glass, a bottle, as the comforter and distraction they're looking for. If only they had a hobby that they could tap into, or a book that might hold a little of their attention.
A client once told me she found empty bottles hidden in the laundry basket, behind the couch, in the garage. He'd swear blind he'd only had one. Sound familiar?
They don't. They have wine or beer, or even stronger. Alcohol is company, and it numbs the pain they try so hard every day to ignore. I know.
The truth hurts, but hopefully, it at least gives you the insight you need to make informed choices about the narcissist in your life. Perhaps those choices are overdue.
6 They talk to themselves about you
As they frightfully pace the kitchen, the narcissist mutters a whole conversation about you under their breath. It's not the same as you or I talking to ourselves, this is them making up and fabricating entire stories or narratives just to make themselves feel better. And another thing!
Oh, and by the way…!
A client of mine once overheard her husband in the garage going, "Oh, so I'M the bad guy? I'M the problem?" She was upstairs. He thought he was alone. Wild, isn't it?
Yeah. It goes on, believe me. They're angry even when nobody else is around them to make them get twisted. They twist everything without any help from anyone. Having conversations on their own means only one person can ever be right…
…You got it…
…The narcissist!
7 The Mirror Gets a Lot of Attention
Oh yes, the mirror. Their best friend. Their worst enemy. The one thing in the house that gets more eye contact than anybody they've ever dated.
When they're alone, the mirror becomes a whole event. They pose. They angle. They check the jawline from the left, then the right, then back to the left because the left was better.
But it's not all admiration, is it? There's a flip side. The mirror also catches them on the days where they don't feel so hot. Tired eyes, a new line, a bit of softness around the middle.
And suddenly the mirror is the enemy and someone's getting blamed for it later. Probably you.
I had a client once tell me she walked past the bathroom and caught her ex practicing facial expressions. Smiling. Looking concerned. Looking thoughtful. Rehearsing being human, basically.
Isn't that something? All that time staring back at themselves, and they still don't actually see who they are.
The mirror shows them everything except the truth.
8 They Replay Conversations and Win Every One
Picture them lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. Are they thinking about anything good? Nope. They're replaying that argument you had three days ago.
And guess what? They're winning. Every single time.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsIn their head, they've got the perfect comeback. The one that would've shut you up. The line that would've made you cry, or apologize, or sit there silent and small.
"I should have said..." they mutter to themselves. And off they go, rewriting history in real time.
It's a strange little hobby of theirs. They rehearse old conversations the way some people rehearse speeches. The difference is, theirs are imaginary, and they always come out on top.
Sometimes they'll even use those imagined comebacks on you later, completely out of nowhere. You'll be making coffee and suddenly they'll fire off a line that has nothing to do with anything. That's why. They've been chewing on it for days.
Lonely work, isn't it? Sitting alone, fighting a war that finished last Tuesday. But this is what they do when nobody's watching.
