Every relationship should feel safe, and like it's something you both want to nurture. It doesn't feel that way with a narcissist though, does it? No day feels safe when you're constantly walking on eggshells and wondering what mood they will wake up in.
I had a client tell me she used to listen for the sound of his car door slamming to gauge what kind of evening she was in for. Imagine living like that.
Every single time a narcissist enters into a relationship, it never ends well. A lot of you want to know why that is, and I always revert back to this one reason. You came to the right place if you want to know what that reason is.
1 I know you might wonder why they do it
It's a question that sits with a lot of victims of narcissistic abuse; they just cannot comprehend why anyone would enter a relationship only to ruin it. Why bother?
Why put the effort with somebody, and pour all that time into making it work, when all you want to do is throw it away? You give the narcissist everything you can and more. You were patient with their every bad mood, and were kind whenever they were not.
You stayed anyway, because you felt like there was something worth sticking around for. Change, maybe, right? You hoped for that, and thought if you waited, that might happen. The narcissist still torched what they created with you, and that's down to one painful yet real fact:
Any healthy relationship is a threat to the narcissist, to any narcissist. Real love needs healthy doses of honesty and vulnerability, not to mention trust and knowing that you are equal to your spouse.
These are all things a narcissist is unwilling to offer or give to any relationship, but they sure are good at pretending in the beginning. They perform, and the victim believes.
And the performance is so good, isn't it? All the right words, the right timing, the eye contact that feels like being seen for the first time. It's all rehearsed.
Before their fears expose them, they sabotage the relationship fully.
2 Control needs a place to root
A narcissist loves to keep their relationships swinging in a direction that suits them, and that means having you as a target for all comments they know you will respond negatively to. You're reading into everything way too much. I never knew you were so sensitive.
Is there a reason why you have to make everything such a big deal? You're crazy, and you know it.
Every time you get close to feeling good about yourself, or confident in what you're doing, the narcissist will come along with a line that they hope will shred you to pieces.
They panic because they want you small, and they will do everything they can to keep you that way. This is why their radar is always switched on, waiting for you to smile a little too much.
That's when they know they've got clear work to do to chip away at that spark of happiness, and turn your colorful day back to grey.
I had a client tell me her partner would suddenly criticise her outfit right as they were walking out the door to see friends. Every single time.
That's why fights start out of thin air, or you feel the air change within a split second, because the narcissist wants to plot a way for you to feel shitty about yourself all over again.
They go cold, they pick at something until it snowballs into a much bigger problem, and none of it is by chance. As deliberate as it is, it's also a pattern that you can spot if you look closely.
3 Ordinary? A narcissist? Yikes
Before a narcissist gets to know you, they spot you. They look for clues that you're the kind of person they can abuse, and those clues come from how warm and kind you are, and how much attention you give them.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseThey know through those acts that you are willing to give them a lot of time and energy, and that's a great starting block for them all.
That means the start of every relationship will be filled with fun and laughter, deep and meaningful conversations, and you get a lot of their attention in return. Soon enough, you realize it was all a performance, and the narcissist isn't actually anything like they claimed to be.
They get bored after a time, when the relationship settles down and you start to live the everyday life of bills and responsibilities.
Peace doesn't fuel them, drama does, so every time you settle down for the evening to watch your favorite show, they're thinking of the next way they can cause harm and make you think you're going crazy.
You get, "Why are you being so boring lately?" or "We never do anything fun anymore." Translation: I need chaos, and I need you to hand it to me.
4 Nobody mentions this
What explains all of this is:
Sabotage. Every narcissist is capable of doing it, and will do it to every relationship they're in. Deep down, they know they don't deserve to be with a good person, but that's something they'll never admit.
Underneath all the games they play is the reality that being good enough is not within their grasp, and so they do what they can to ruin it instead. It's real, right? And so it has the potential to maybe even last.
So, before you leave them, they push you away in the hope they don't ever have to reveal who they really are around you; a scared little person trapped in an adult body. Pfft. I didn't need you anyway. I don't care.
These are easy words to say when you know deep down you're the person who caused it all.
And saying those cold little lines is easier than sitting with the truth. Because the truth would mean looking in the mirror, and that's the one thing they refuse to do.
5 The fact remains
You were never the problem. I know it may feel like you were, and all those feelings will have been mixed up by your ruminations:
What did I do wrong? How could I have made this better? What else do I need to do? I should say sorry again. I should've said this. You replay it all, and it's no wonder.
None of it was your fault, yet here you are carrying that weight and being somebody who just wants to make it right. It's not your job to make it right. It's not your job to keep fixing what the narcissist is intent on breaking.
You could shape shift into every version of yourself they claimed to want, and it still wouldn't be enough. The goalposts move because the game is rigged.
It will fall apart because that's what was always going to be the outcome, and it won't matter how perfect you are or try to be.
This is the pattern that nobody wants to look at or admit is real, and I know it plays out every single time the narcissist meets someone. Eventually, you drive yourself crazy fighting for someone who doesn't want to love you, and who doesn't know how to love at all.
6 Where does that leave you?
Well, this is where I turn to you and focus on what this is all doing to you, and where it leaves you. You're in a really important place, as it stands. I know it probably feels far from that, but hear me out.
Your relationship hasn't, won't and didn't fail because you weren't a lovable person. It wasn't because you didn't give it your all and more. It wasn't because you fell short, and weren't capable of loving.
You deserve to at least know that, because many victims live out their lives blaming themselves and wondering, "What if?"
You were never going to fix someone who refuses to admit they have a problem. It's not your job, although I know that's probably where you find your purpose. The truth needs to set you free:
Narcissists sabotage every relationship they're in because they're incapable of loving and growing in the ordinary moments.
That's on them, not on you. Take that in for a second. You were never the broken piece in this story, you were the one still trying.
7 The audience problem: who are they performing for now?
Every relationship a narcissist has is a stage, and every person around them is either audience, cast, or critic. So when the relationship starts to feel too settled, too known, too seen, they get restless. Because who exactly are they performing for now?
You've seen the real them. You know the lines before they say them. You've watched the same trick twice. That's a problem for someone whose whole identity runs on applause.
So they start looking around for a fresh crowd. A new coworker who hasn't heard the stories yet. An old friend they can reconnect with. Someone in their DMs who thinks they're just so misunderstood. That's often when the sabotage kicks up a gear.
They need to blow up what's stale so the new performance can begin.
And this is why it can feel like the sabotage comes out of nowhere. It doesn't. It's timed. It lines up with whoever they've just found to impress. You were the show. Now someone else is being sold a ticket.
8 When they come crawling back
And there it is. Weeks, maybe months later, your phone lights up. "I've been thinking about you." Or the classic, "I know I messed up, I'm ready to change now."
See also 8 Creepy Bedtime Habits That Only a Narcissist Would HaveSound familiar? Of course it does. Because sabotage was never really the end goal for them. It was a reset button.
They blew the whole thing up so they could rebuild it on their terms, with you a little more grateful, a little more shaken, a little more willing to accept crumbs. That's the whole trick.
And I'll be honest with you, this is the part where a lot of people fold. Because after the sabotage comes the withdrawal, and after the withdrawal your brain will happily convince you that maybe they've changed. Maybe this time.
They haven't. They won't. The crawl back isn't remorse. It's supply running low somewhere else, and you being the easiest tap to turn back on.
Leave the tap off. Whatever they broke, they broke on purpose. Coming back to fix it was always part of the plan.
