Narcissists will never abuse you directly all of the time, so if you ever think, "Something feels weird," and you can't articulate as to why…
…This is why. A narcissist will act cute, caring and concerned, all the while they're actually running an abuse campaign behind your back. It's easy not to spot when you assume they have your best interests at heart.
That's the whole trick. You're not looking for abuse in a soft voice or a sweet gesture, so you don't see the sharp edges underneath.
The cute little behaviors they have are fake, and there are 9 to look out for. Each one equates to narcissistic abuse.
1 What's wrong with affection?
I hear you. You'd be right to ask what's wrong with a narcissist trying to look out for you or care for you, and I get that. They seem so genuine in how they're coming across.
Unless your eyes are open, they're going to be closed, and that's really as simple as I can make it.
It's my job to open your eyes for you, and show you that saying how much they love you right after they've made you cry or cheated on you is not affection. It's damage control.
It's as if they want to press reset without really tending to the part where you get to hold them accountable and tell them what they did was wrong.
They want you soft and forgiving, so the best way to do that is to give you what you want at that specific moment.
I had a client tell me her ex would bring flowers within an hour of screaming at her. Same flowers, same shop, every single time.
This is where they feel they've won, but to you, it's cute, right? That's why this topic exists: to re-educate.
2 "I want to protect you"
Starting off strong, but yes, every narcissist believes that they're coming across as cute and caring when they say they want to protect you. What does it mean to protect? It means to shield from harm, and to make sure no harm comes to you.
Sounds ideal in a way, and I'm sure you agree. The only trouble is, we're talking about narcissists. This sentence comes as though it's tied up in a lovely ribbon, doesn't it? A gift to you; to be protected by someone you think loves you. They don't.
I don't want you going there without me. I just worry about you talking to people you don't know. This world is a dangerous place. I get upset because of how much I care, that's all. You think, "Aww." I think, "Eww."
It's not that I think caring is gross, I just think pseudo caring with an agenda is gross, not to mention toxic. Real protection wouldn't come with an underlying current of control, would it?
Control alone would be saying, "You are not going, and that's final!" Covert control looks more cute and fluffy, but the outcome is still the same:
You do as they say. Only this makes it harder for you to accuse them.
Because how do you turn around and say, "You're controlling me," when the words coming out of their mouth sound like a Hallmark card? That's the whole trick.
3 The jokes that pack a hurtful punch
I'm just kidding, come on, don't be so sensitive. You're so cute and ditzy all at the same time. Here are your keys! Haha. You'd be so lost without me around. Delivered well, I think you'd agree.
The deliverance is everything here, but behind each comment is a huge put down with a little bit of an embarrassing (for you) laughing emoji. Over time these comments are designed to make you doubt yourself and your own judgement. You feel incapable and your mind feels disconnected.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseI had a client whose partner used to laugh and say, "Oh look, she's doing that thing with her face again." She started avoiding mirrors. That's the damage.
There's no joke there. This is a real strategy, and again, you're hearing what sounds like cute comments because that's way better than hearing, "I want to control you."
Jokes hurt, and if they're at your expense, no matter how cute they sound, they're not going to be fun to keep hearing.
4 Gifts that have specific timing
I know this one might seem like a bit of a curveball, but bear with me. Generosity is one thing. It's nice to receive flowers out of nowhere, for example. It's lovely to be asked out to dinner, and make memories with the person you love. Cute, right?
Nice and sweet, and thoughtful. I personally think it's a non-physical, yet crucial way to be affectionate in a relationship. But what's behind it? Was it you pulling away? Have you been more quiet than usual of late? Did the narcissist do something?
Whatever the shift was, note that it happened, and the narcissist witnessed it landing. They didn't want to deal with it, and so they thought of the first thing to do that would distract you from what was in front of you.
Crossing a line often results in this sort of thing, and I think with eyes wide open, you'll be able to determine that pattern. It's not cute, it's actually rather sinister, only again, you cannot run to the narcissist with this accusation unless you want to start World War 3.
They know what they're doing. They're buying your silence, and yet more of your patience that you keep being so willing to give them. Most importantly, it buys the narcissist more time.
Time to figure out their next move. Time to reset the dynamic in their favor. That bouquet on the counter is a stopwatch, not a love letter.
5 The constant need for you
I know it's quite nice at first, some might even say flattering. The texts that come through feel like a romantic backbone to each of your days, and you do feel overwhelmed in a good way by it all.
The narcissist wants to be around you all the time they're able to be. Nobody gets me like you. I feel lost without you. You make my day so magical. Why would you want to go to the party without me?
You think it's nice that someone wants to be around you so much, but if they aren't around you, they're unable to control you. They don't know who you're seeing, where you're going, or who you talk to.
That neediness has a job. It keeps tabs, closes off your world, and dresses itself up as devotion so you never think to question it.
Love should not feel like a leash.
6 The very public "I love you" scene
Social media posts are common when it comes to love declarations, because they invoke such warm responses. People assume the love is real, and they credit the narcissist for being a wonderful partner and person. The same goes for anything else public; a birthday gift, a speech; you name it.
As much as you want it to be real, it's nothing but a performance. Behind closed doors, you'll see a different side to them, and that leaves you feeling confused.
The public version calls you their soulmate. The private version tells you, "Nobody else would put up with you." Same person, two entirely different scripts.
What's real, what's not? If your gut is listening, it will give you the answer, so I would advise you to tune into your intuition and listen hard.
7 "That job will overwork you"
That job…
Ah yes! The job you've been dreaming of having all the time; the job that ticks all your boxes of things you want to build on or achieve. It's where all your skills are at, and where you feel your purpose come alive.
The only problem is the narcissist is concerned that you will end up getting so stressed out in the role, and they don't want that for you.
They ask you to revisit your decision to accept it, telling you that you can stay home and they will instead provide for you. Wow, lucky you!... …Not! You're being held back and cut off from growing or succeeding, and the narcissist is trying to be cute about it.
Underneath the concern act, they're terrified. A partner with their own income, their own colleagues, their own sense of achievement, is a partner who might figure out they can leave.
Open those eyes now.
8 The forehead kiss right after the screaming match
Picture this. They've spent forty minutes tearing you apart. Screaming about something ridiculous, dishes left out, a text you didn't answer fast enough, some imagined slight that came out of nowhere. You're shaking. Your chest hurts. You've stopped crying because you ran out of tears about ten minutes ago.
Then, silence. They walk over. They tilt your chin up. They plant a soft kiss on your forehead and murmur, "I love you so much. You know that, right?"
And you melt, because your nervous system is desperate for any scrap of tenderness after being torched.
That kiss isn't affection. It's the reset button. It's them saying, "See, we're fine. Look how gentle I am." It teaches your body that safety comes right after terror, which is exactly how trauma bonds are built.
Real love doesn't need to yell at you first to make the softness feel sweeter. If someone can go from rage to tenderness in under a minute, they were never out of control in the first place. They chose both.
9 "I remembered because I care" (translation: I've been tracking you)
You mention once, in passing, that you had a rough meeting on a Tuesday six months ago. They bring it up. You said you liked a specific brand of tea when you were nineteen. They know.
See also 8 Creepy Bedtime Habits That Only a Narcissist Would HaveYou wore a green dress to a party they weren't even at, and somehow, they can describe it.
At first it feels flattering. Someone actually listens. Someone actually pays attention. Then it starts to feel like something else.
Because the "remembering" is never neutral. It gets used.
"Well, you told me back in March that you wanted to cut back on drinking, so why are you having wine tonight?" "You said your mum stressed you out, so I told her you didn't want to come." They've been building a file.
Real caring remembers your birthday and asks how your sister is doing. Narcissistic caring is a spreadsheet of everything you've ever admitted, saved for later, ready to be used the second you step out of line. Surveillance dressed up as devotion. And once you see it, you cannot unsee it.
