I know so many of you who do it all: from the battles to get homework done, to ensuring bedtimes are adhered to. You're the one who tries to keep those boundaries because you know in the long term, all kids need them.
But hey, now you're the bad guy, and your narcissistic partner will make sure that's the narrative moving forward.
I had a client tell me her ex would wink at the kids and say, "Mum's just being Mum again," every time she asked them to tidy up. That was all it took.
The big smile, the treats, the money; kids are blind to what's behind it. If they favor all of this and not you, these 8 reasons will tell you why.
1 If it's good, he's showing up for it!
The fun comes, but that's only because it's fun! Imagine a narcissist showing up for all the times you actually have to be a parent:
The 9pm screen time cut off point. When their child is running a fever and they need looking after. The school drop offs where nobody cares about the narcissist because they're all dropping off too. You won't see them for dust, because they don't care.
Anything that doesn't come wrapped up in a shiny package? You can forget it. Kids won't be aware that so much goes on behind the scenes either. They don't care about all the times you lose sleep worrying about them, or wanting them to have a healthy routine and boundaries.
All they see is who came home with ice cream.
The dad who scooped it into bowls at 8pm looks like a hero. The parent who made sure they ate vegetables first looks like the boring one.
2 There are no rules, and boy, does he know it
What are you talking about, your mom says no?! I won't tell her! Sounds about right, doesn't it? A narcissistic father isn't one to apply boundaries because underneath it all, he really doesn't care about your kids and their wellbeing in the long term.
He doesn't see that in five years from now they need to be well-rounded individuals with morals and opinions of their own. The only thing he really cares about is being liked today.
It matters to him that he is the favorite parent, and he will do all the easy things to make that happen. You set those boundaries because it's healthy to do so, but what comes with that? You are the villain, that's what.
The bad guy, and everyone will make it known that this is the case and the dynamic. Narcissists are never bothered with rules. They grew up thinking they are above every single one anyway, and so it's no different when it comes to having kids with them.
Rules will be laughed at and bent to suit their agenda, and it will be you who suffer from it.
One mom told me her ex handed the kids soda at 9pm right after she'd said no. His response? "Mom's just being boring, don't tell her." Classic.
All your hard work as a healthy parent will go to waste for as long as the narcissist trails behind you undoing all your hard work.
3 The campaign that subtly runs in the background
Don't ever assume that any kind of campaign is going to be overt and obvious to everyone, including you. It will be subtle, and I will give you a few examples:
Your mom worries too much, right? I just want to have fun when you're with me, there's nothing wrong with that. I think mommy needs to take a chill pill, doesn't she? Gentle, gentle, softly, softly.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseThat's all it takes to get into a child's head, and that's the start of a long running campaign that will slowly discredit you as a good parent, and make you feel as though you're swimming against the tide without a paddle.
Over time, these kinds of comments will paint you as the enemy; the stiff, boring parent who is always uptight. Mom, why can't you just relax? Your narcissistic husband doesn't have to say something terrible; he just plants a seed and walks away.
And seeds grow. One week it's a giggle about mom being uptight, next month it's the kids repeating his words back to you like they came up with them.
If you're wondering why your kids always greet you with rolled eyes, this is why.
4 Kids always respond to whoever makes them feel safest in that moment
As much as it might be difficult to hear this, I aim to always tell the truth in what I say.
And the truth here stings a bit, because you're doing the harder job and getting less of the credit. That's the cruel maths of it, isn't it?
A child will go to where it feels warmest.
If you're standing side by side with someone who is all love and light, and you're the one who is holding everything together and doing all the work to make sure you're keeping the house afloat, you may not always exude that light. Let's be honest, it's a hard task.
I know that. I see it. Kids gravitate to energy that feels exciting and playful, even though, on this occasion, that comes from the narcissistic parent. They want to be around that because they really don't see beyond the fun.
In turn, you will have those boundaries, and they will only look like walls to a child. I can't do anything! I want my screen time! Why can't I stay up late?! You're not fair!
Narcissists will be looking for the easy way out wherever they can, so they become the yes man. Go on then! Just this once! It's our secret! Go on, it's your treat! Pick whatever you want!
Walls become a structure for life, but when you're a kid, you're never going to see it that way. In time, I assure you, they will.
5 To get loyalty, he will make your kids feel bad
This really works as kids get older, but it still applies no matter their age in some ways. Why don't you ever want to see me? Don't you want to spend time with me? That really hurts my feelings, you know.
The comments will reel off their tongue so easily, but that's what they're best at, and boy do they play on it. No child should ever be responsible for their parent's emotions; that's a lot of weight for them to carry.
And yet the narcissist dad hands it over without a second thought, wrapped up like some twisted gift. Guilt shaped like love. Kids can't tell the difference yet.
It shouldn't be allowed, but of course, it leads to the child feeling the need to compensate. They go to your husband; their dad, first. They stay quiet about everything that even slightly bothers them.
They want to keep him happy, so they do what it takes to please and please, and that's never a good place to be stuck in. I know it may look like on the outside they prefer him, and it can hurt.
I want you to think about the long term here, because what you're actually seeing is a child managing their narcissistic dad's moods. They're doing what they can in this survival mode they're stuck in that doesn't affect them with you.
6 Ordinary parents are safe, but to the child, they can be boring
Ordinary is so safe, but no child is going to really see it that way, are they? At the time of being a child, that ordinary is like the color grey; it's nothing. Who does your child push back against, though? That's right: you.
That's because they know they're safe to do that, and they trust your response because it's consistent. They know after that fallout, you'll still be there and you won't sulk or punish them for days.
Reliability is what a child needs, but as a child at that moment, they see you as just ordinary, with nothing else to offer.
One mom told me her teenage daughter said, "Dad's fun, you're just... mom." That word, just, carried all the weight. Being the safe one rarely gets applause.
Eventually, that will change.
7 The gifts that do all the talking for him
There's a reason narcissistic fathers reach for the wallet so quickly, and it's not generosity. Gifts do the emotional labor they can't be bothered with.
The new phone. The trainers you said no to last month. The concert tickets that show up out of nowhere. A kid processes that as, "Dad gets me. Dad shows up." Meanwhile you, the parent doing the school runs and the dentist appointments and the "no, not before dinner" conversations, look like the boring one holding them back.
I've had parents tell me they feel like they're being outbid at an auction for their own child. And honestly, in a way, they are.
The thing is, gifts require nothing from him. No listening, no patience, no showing up when it's inconvenient. He hands over an object, and the object says "I love you" so he doesn't have to mean it.
Kids can't spot that yet. They see a shiny thing and a smiling dad. Connection, to them, looks exactly like that. For now.
8 When they get older, the fog lifts
There does come a day. I promise you that.
See also 8 Creepy Bedtime Habits That Only a Narcissist Would HaveThe kids grow up, and slowly, they start to see things you were seeing all along. A comment that used to feel normal suddenly lands differently. A memory replays in their head, and this time, they notice what was really going on underneath it.
I had a woman tell me recently that her son, now 22, called her one evening and said, "Mom, I get it now. I'm sorry it took me so long."
That's what happens. The gifts stop working. The charm starts to sound hollow. They watch him treat a new partner the way he used to treat you, and something clicks.
It won't happen on your timeline, and I know how painful that wait is. Watching your kids adore someone who hurt you? That's a specific kind of ache I don't wish on anyone.
But kids grow. They think. They remember. And the parent who was steady, who didn't buy their affection, who just kept showing up quietly, that parent gets seen eventually.
