You'd be surprised how many people tell me that the most destructive part of narcissism is gaslighting, and while gaslighting is excruciating, there's something even worse they do that can rip your heart wide open.
I had a client say to me, "Alexander, it would've been easier if he just stayed awful." And honestly? That sentence has stuck with me for years. Sound familiar?
It keeps you stuck when all you need to really be doing is running from them, and I want to challenge any of you to tell me you've never experienced it, because it's one of the worst ways to be treated.
When a narcissist switches back to being nice, that's what causes destruction, and today I want to get into why that is.
1 It's never the obvious abuse that traps you
If someone was abusive all the time, it'd be a lot easier for the person on the receiving end to say, "You know what? I don't have to put up with this."
You're being shouted at and the narcissist is being cruel to you, and you are thinking of all the ways you're feeling so totally exhausted from it all. This is every day, not just once in a blue moon.
You leave yourself to try and fix the holes they create, and it's all because the narcissist wants to control how you feel.
I had a client say to me, "Alexander, when he was shouting, I knew exactly who he was. It was clean. It was honest, in a weird way." Stick with me here.
The red flags are there during those more obvious times, and even when you feel heavy from being attacked in those ways, you can see them. It feels so destructive, but what if I told you this wasn't the kind of abuse that traps you? What if I said, "Nope.
This isn't the worst part of experiencing these kinds of people."
Would you believe me?
2 This switch is the narcissist's secret weapon
Prepare for this, because I feel as though what I am about to write may be the emotional pull that might make you awaken to how destructive the narcissist really is.
When a narcissist hurts you, and I mean really causes untold pain, they flip back almost immediately into being everything you ever want them to be.
You've argued, been called all the names, been accused, criticized and mocked, and suddenly, when your world feels as though it's falling apart, you're hugged and kissed. You hear those promises, and note, no apology. It's just business as usual, and your mind is left spinning. What did I miss?
What's just happened?
I had a client say to me, "Alexander, he was screaming at me one minute, and the next he was making me tea like nothing happened." That's the whiplash right there.
I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel. Why am I not as happy as he is? Because the narcissist just ripped you apart with words, and their switch has meant that you are left in a pile on the floor while they happily move on. Stay.
I didn't mean it. Everything will be okay. We can make a real go of it this time. How can that be, when you've just seen such a cold then hot move in zero seconds by the person who is supposed to make you feel safest?
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House3 Fake love increases your confusion
No narcissist genuinely loves. It's a fact that breaks the hearts of many all over the world who believe the narcissist in their life 'loves them in a way they know how to.'
They don't. Don't do love a disservice like that. Love is precious, and it doesn't intentionally cause pain. Abuse is what a narcissist knows, and they do it in ways that make their victims feel lost, hurt, and unable to know what's right and what's wrong.
Facts turn into confusion, memories morph into what the narcissist wants you to believe. I didn't know what I was doing. Let me make it up to you.
I had a client say to me, "But Alexander, when he's nice, he's the man I fell for." And I had to gently tell her, that man was the act.
I promise this won't happen again. If you give me another chance, I will prove it to you. The narcissist is trying to get back into your good books and prove they can be trusted. Will it work?
That depends on how convincing they are, and what they say to you to make you believe you're with someone who genuinely cares for you. Fake love is fake.
Real love is something you'll never get to experience all the while you remain diving in and out of relationships with narcissists. The confusion comes from you knowing what's wrong and right, yet experiencing the abuse you're experiencing.
4 You then start gaslighting yourself
Am I imagining this abuse? They are so nice when they're nice. I'm probably just tired and having a bad day. Give them another chance, they clearly want one. It feels different this time.
All the excuses in the world come out to play, and you dabble with each and every one of them. You think, "Okay, I'm going to just put this aside now and carry on with the relationship," and all because you really do think it'll be okay.
I had a client say to me once, "I started keeping a notes app on my phone just to remind myself the bad stuff actually happened." That's gaslighting yourself in real time.
You go from being in pain because of how fast that switch was, to leaning into the niceness and convincing yourself it's real. The damage that causes? I can only tell you. In order for you to really know what it's like, you have to experience it.
Those of you who have, it's like your world is falling apart and you have no way to keep it held together. The only way to do that is to convince yourself that things aren't that bad, and you learn to roll with the narcissist's moods.
You learn what a bad day looks like, and you learn what a good day looks like. You ride the rollercoaster, without realizing how much this destructive behavior is messing with your wellbeing, from your nervous system to your own behavioral patterns.
5 The narcissist keeps you trapped just like this
The trappings of a narcissist start and end with their hot and cold tap flicking on and off at a speed that leaves your head in a spin. Sure, you wake up and have a day where you receive a few sweet breadcrumbs.
You pick them up eagerly because you're keen to have them in your hands, but something isn't right…
…That something comes from not five minutes before, when you were in the throes of abuse being targeted by the very person who is now acting as if nothing's wrong. Those breadcrumbs become your drug; the thing you look for to come up after you come down.
You stay, and you stay because you spend your time chasing those moments where the narcissist tells you they love you, and pretends to care. You hold onto those thinking, "Please be for real this time."
It turns out, like every other time, these are calculated moves to control you.
I had a client tell me once, "He'd scream at me until I cried, then bring me coffee in bed the next morning like nothing happened." Sound familiar?
The switch a narcissist flips isn't out of kindness. There's no remorse for the way they treated you, or an authentic reflection that involves wanting to make it better. This is the narcissist knowing that they're treating you appallingly.
They push you to your limits emotionally, before pretending they think you're the best person ever. The longer you mistake this switch back to being kind as real change, the deeper you will fall into the well of abuse that's harder to get out of.
You want it to be real, but all you get is hurt more and more. That's the only reality here.
6 Why the Nice Version Feels More Real Than the Cruel One
You know what gets me? The fact that you'll defend the nice version to yourself, even now.
And there's a reason for it. The nice version is who you met. That was the first impression, the love bombing, the version of them you fell for. It got there first. It planted itself in your heart before the cruel one ever showed up.
So when the cruelty arrives, your brain doesn't say, "Ah, this is who they are." It says, "This isn't them. This isn't the real them. They're stressed. They're hurting. The real them is the one who held my hand in the park that time."
Right? Tell me you haven't done this.
The cruel version feels like a glitch. A bad day. A phase. The nice version feels like home because, well, it's where you started. It's the baseline you measured everything against.
But here's the cold bit. The nice version is the act. The cruel one is who they actually are when they stop performing. You've just got it backwards, and they need you to keep getting it backwards.
7 The Hope That Just Won't Die
And here's the part that really gets me. Even after everything, even after you've sat there and listed out every awful thing they've done, there's still this little flicker of hope inside you, isn't there?
That flicker is the cruelest part of it all. Because the nice version planted it there on purpose.
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A SweatClients tell me, "Alexander, I know what they are. I know. But what if this time…"
What if this time they really mean it. What if this time the change sticks. What if the person you fell for is finally back for good.
Hope doesn't die just because you've been hurt. In fact, hope can outlive an awful lot. And the narcissist is counting on that. They don't need you to fully believe them.
They just need that tiny flicker to stay lit, because as long as it's lit, you'll keep opening the door.
So please, hear me when I say this: the hope isn't proof of anything good in them. It's proof of how much good is still in you.
