You'd think someone who acted as perfectly as narcissists do, that they'd easily be able to do anything life throws their way. If you thought that, you'd be wrong.
And believe me, I've watched people hold their breath for years waiting for even a flicker of one of these. Nothing. Not a scrap. It never came, and it never will.
As much as they think they can't do anything wrong, there's an obvious flaw in their overgrown baby characters: no matter what they do, these things will never be possible.
If you've waited a lifetime for them to show up and reveal any of these, I hate to say it, but you'll be waiting for another lifetime and more.
1 Say sorry and actually mean it
Sorry? From a narcissist? That'll be the day! Okay, so here's where it gets a little clouded, because they are fully capable of saying the word. It can easily roll off their tongue, in fact.
I want you to know that saying it and meaning it are two completely different concepts.
I had a client whose ex said sorry so smoothly she almost thanked him for it. Then the exact same thing happened the following weekend. Word for word. Sound familiar?
So much of the time I hear victims say, "He said he was sorry, so we moved on."
No, no and no! You can't just be spoken to, you have to have someone remorseful in front of you showing you that the behavior they exhibited wasn't right, and that they will make changes to prevent further hurt.
Speaking words while carrying on how they usually do is simply not acceptable, but it's how narcissists end up getting away with so much. You forgive, and they forget how to make it permanently better.
No narcissist will be able to see the error of their ways; they're perfect, after all! Don't expect accountability, just a period of silence followed by them acting as if nothing happened.
2 Be comfortable in your pain
When you're hurting, you want someone around you who is going to somewhat ease that just by being there and showing you how much they care about you. Their concern for you will be striking, and they'll do all they can to help you, listen to you, and show up.
When you cry, a normal person will lean in and pass you a tissue as they wait for you to let it all out. A narcissist will roll their eyes as if you're the biggest inconvenience to them.
A client told me she once broke down sobbing in the kitchen, and her narcissistic partner sighed, grabbed his keys, and said, "Call me when you're normal again." Can you imagine?
Some will even ignore you or tell you to pull yourself together. Maybe they'll even tell you about the one time something even worse happened to them.
None of it will help, and of course, you will be let down yet again by the one person you thought you could rely on. Big mistake!
3 Be happy for you
To be happy, truly happy, for someone else, you have to step back and want that person to experience goodness, joy, and a zest for life.
You or I might find that easy to do, after all, we care about our family and friends, and we want to see good things come their way, right? Narcissists don't like good things happening to anybody else, because it means those things aren't happening to them.
Jealousy rears its very ugly head in a matter of minutes, and you see a smile so forced it's as if they've been threatened with harm if they do not raise one. Well done.
I had a client tell me her narcissistic sister actually said, "Must be nice," when she got a promotion. Not congratulations. Just "must be nice." That's the best they can muster.
Good for you. Bravo. I'm just tired, but I'm happy, I promise. The tone will be flat, and you'll deflate in real time as they hand you what they deem to be a genuine congratulations.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseJust know this; you'll never get anything more authentic from someone so hell bent on making your life a misery.
4 Relay a story where they were wrong
This is where I need you to fully listen to what the narcissist says to you, because I guarantee you'll never hear them admit they're wrong at all.
With narcissists, they will either be the hero or the victim in every single relaying of "that time when…" You'll hear them save the day, or be reduced to tears by the 'insensitivity of someone else who wronged them.'
They never mess up, they never screw up, they never hold that accountability and speak of it. Ask anyone normal and they'll all be happy to tell you how they're not perfect, and will have several stories to back that fact up. The narcissist?
I had a client sit across from me and say her ex told an entire dinner party about the time he 'rescued' her from a flat tire. She changed that tire herself.
Never. Not in a million years. It's not allowed as far as they're concerned. They've got the kind of ego that can't see through their own lies they speak or even think about themselves.
For that reason, you'll never hear honesty from them; just how they either saved the day or were a victim to someone's cruelty.
5 Be alone, ever
If you watch a narcissist closely, you'll see how impossible it is for them to be on their own. They won't be able to just sit. The TV has to be on, the phone must be in their hand; they have to be reaching for something.
A call, a text, a social media update.
I had one client tell me her ex would call her from the bathroom just because he'd been alone for four minutes. Four minutes! Can you imagine?
It's all very sad, isn't it? The reason silence is so unbearable to a narcissist is down to the fact that the self shows up in that silence. They show up, like we all do when we sit and rest in the quiet.
It's what they work hard to run from, so you can imagine the pain it causes as it rises up. They must keep busy and distract themselves from who they're constantly trying to bury inside of themselves.
6 Love in any way without a crowd watching
A narcissist is perfect at loving when an audience is watching. It's a performance they're fantastic at because it gives off the illusion that they're both loving, and loved people. The big gestures on social media, or for your 40th birthday? The narcissist will be all over it.
I had a client tell me her husband gave a tearful speech about her at their anniversary party, then didn't speak a word to her the whole drive home. Not one. Sound familiar?
Then you get them in private, and everything changes. The narcissist suddenly couldn't care less about you, or showing any affection toward you. Warmth drains, the face drops, and you're viewing a totally different person who can barely tolerate you.
Don't ever expect consistency where love is concerned; you'll never get it.
7 Forgive something small
Those small mistakes you make are blown up and out of proportion with the narcissist. This is the same person who repeatedly makes mistakes, and huge ones at that.
They cheat, they lie, they abuse, but all of that is okay in comparison to you forgetting the dinner party you said you'd go to and instead you ended up working late. You laughed at someone else's joke harder than you laughed at the narcissist's.
A client told me her narcissist ex brought up a forgotten anniversary from four years ago during a fight about laundry. Four years! Who does that? They do.
You didn't pay them a compliment after they got their haircut. These aren't even mistakes to you, you simply didn't register. Don't for a second think you won't be punished for a month of Sundays. You will. A narcissist always keeps score.
8 Change
It's the one no person who is currently in love with a narcissist ever wants to hear, but I saved it until last to make the biggest impression on you before you sign off. A narcissist will never change.
I've lost count of how many clients have said, "But this time they promised they'd changed." And every single time, within weeks, the mask is right back where it always was. Sound familiar?
You can hope, encourage, wait and pray all you want to, none of it will make any difference. They may even agree to a short stint in therapy, or read a book and proclaim that they're no longer the person they used to be.
It's never that easy, and they will always be who they always were.
9 Sit With Silence Without Losing Their Mind
Have you ever watched a narcissist in a quiet room? I mean truly quiet. No TV, no phone buzzing, no audience, no drama to stir. It's uncomfortable for them, isn't it?
Silence is a mirror. And a narcissist cannot stand what stares back.
That's why they fill every gap. A snide comment here, a phone call to somebody there, picking a fight over something small just to get the energy back up. Anything to avoid sitting still with themselves.
Because sitting still means facing the emptiness. The lack of real connection. The fact that when nobody's clapping, there's nothing underneath.
Healthy people can enjoy a quiet afternoon. Read a book. Go for a walk without needing to broadcast it. A narcissist? They'd rather start a row than be left alone with their own thoughts for an hour.
And that tells you everything, right? The person who was always "so confident, so together" cannot bear ten minutes of silence.
Confidence doesn't need a soundtrack. Their whole act does.
10 Hear 'No' And Just Accept It
Say no to a narcissist and watch what happens. Go on. I dare you.
Actually, don't. You've probably done it a hundred times already, haven't you? And you know exactly what follows.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsThe huffing. The, "Wow, okay, fine." The sudden cold shoulder that lasts three days. Or my personal favourite, "After everything I've done for you?" as if your no was a personal attack on their entire existence.
A narcissist cannot hear no and just let it be. They physically can't. Their brain won't allow it, because no means they don't have control in that moment, and control is oxygen to them.
A healthy person hears no and shrugs. "Okay, no worries." That's it. Conversation over. They don't spiral, they don't punish, they don't start a two week silent treatment because you didn't want to go to their cousin's barbecue.
But the narcissist? Your no becomes their whole personality for the next week.
And that's why so many victims stop saying it. It's just easier. Isn't it?
Well. It was.
