I am quite the planner when it comes to life and my future, but one thing I have never done is plan with a narcissist. It only backfires in the long run, but by the time you're in, it's too late to back out.
These five things are probably the worst things you can plan with a narcissist, and I want to make you all aware so you can save yourself in the long run.
Because let me tell you, when a narcissist is in the planning stage with you, they're not building anything. They're just gathering material to use against you later.
Are you ready?
1 Do not plan on moving in together
Hold on. Just wait a little while. Soon enough, you'll realize you're planning on moving in with a narcissist who is going to ruin your life, your confidence and even your finances.
It's not worth it, and I wish I could show you all the messages I get from people who've made that mistake, regretted it, and spent years trying to fix the chaos that ensued when the narcissist refused to move out, or left a mess as they left.
Planning to move in with someone you love is amazing. I can't wait to live with you! You want to nest, build a home together, and make it just how you like it.
Heck, you might even get married and raise a family if you wanted, and that'd be fine; it's expected when you love someone. I just want to live with you happily ever after. Our own place. Just you and me. We'd be so good together forever.
I mean, I feel like I'm in a fairytale even just writing those phrases, but they stand with narcissists, because these are the people who want you to believe in their fairytale. It's all a lie, and you aren't going to live happily ever after.
Since the narcissist met you, they were working on a plan to get you to live with them. It means they get total access to you whenever they want.
Your privacy is no longer yours because the narcissist will find all your things, spy on you, look through old photos and files; whatever they can get their weedy little hands on. You have friends who come over, and the narcissist somehow develops a problem with this.
When your phone is face down on the counter, they will use it as an excuse to accuse you of cheating on you, even though you simply don't want to get your screen wet while you do the dishes.
Once that space is shared, you can forget having any kind of autonomy. You won't be allowed hobbies because the moment the narcissist sees you enjoying yourself, those critical comments will creep in and make you feel like giving it all up.
I hate to say it, but that's just the beginning. Your home will soon enough not feel like the sanctuary you tried to make it.
The narcissist will spend every day making sure you're walking on eggshells, reacting in fear to every door slammed, asking them what's wrong when they inevitably go purposely silent on you.
I had a client tell me she started tiptoeing to the bathroom at 3am because even flushing the toilet set him off. That's not a home. That's a prison with cushions.
It will all be a mess, believe me. And it won't take long either. That's why any plan with a narcissist to move in with them must not exist. Your home should be a place of safety and emotional consistency, not toxic.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseLetting them in will mean a lot of trouble and effort getting them out, if it's even possible at all. By then they may have convinced you that you can't be alone, and that's when you'll be stuck with them forever.
Live alone, or live with someone you know you can trust. That will never be a narcissist.
2 Thinking about that business? Think again!
It's tempting to set up a business with the narcissist. They have all these grand ideas, and they will sell them to you like an iceman could sell ice to the Norwegians. I think it's a great idea! Can you imagine it? We could rent an office space!
We would earn $1million in the first year. I know someone who can set up the website. We could work from all over the world. It's a conversation that turns into this wild dream that the narcissist makes sound so believable and achievable.
They think you're the perfect partner to go into business with them, and you probably are, if they have you manipulated already. You're:
Easy to persuade because you want the narcissist to be happy. Put everyone else before you. You let them take charge of the finances, which means they can get away with spending everything and you won't notice. You have a great credit score.
All a recipe for the best business partner, don't you think? Only who do you think suffers as a result of setting up that business? You.
You sign those contracts, agree to this and that, and before you know it, you're swimming in deep finances, and you aren't even really getting any business back, so you are losing money fast.
I had a client who sunk her savings into a joint venture that never had a single client. He kept saying, "Trust the process, it's coming." It wasn't.
That won't bother the narcissist, who will revel in the fact that they're an 'entrepreneur.' They want the car and lifestyle to go with being a successful business owner, but will actually just be wasting money that neither of you has in order to look as though everything's going well.
When you start questioning this, you end up looking like someone who doesn't believe in the narcissist, and they will accuse you of exactly that. Guilt; that's all it is. Don't tangle up your money or your reputation with them; they're not worth a dime of your time.
3 Babies are beautiful…. Think before you decide!
I know this one might seem really tricky to talk about, and it's the irreversible one of all three. Sure, finances and moving in are very difficult, but over time you can recover in some ways from them. Starting a family?
That's for life right there, and I hear that is one of the biggest regrets victims of narcissistic abuse have. The child comes into the world, unaware and out of control of that, and right there is where your life changes forever.
You're tied to the narcissist, so whether you stay together or separate, you've always got to be there for your child, and of course, that looks different for you as it does for them.
If that wasn't bad enough, some people can attest to being guilt tripped into having a baby:
If you loved me, you'd want this. If you really thought I'd be a good father, you'd prove it. I want a baby with you, otherwise I'll think you're not serious about us.
Sounds hideous from the start, but those who're keen to please and keep the peace, they will do what it takes.
And once that positive pregnancy test appears, the narcissist doesn't suddenly transform into a loving partner. The pressure they applied to get here? Gone. Replaced by resentment you never saw coming.
That will never last long, as babies need a lot of attention and narcissists can't stand that you aren't giving it to them. Jealousy will come, and it will change the dynamics of your relationship. Suddenly, that happy family you were sold is in tatters.
You'll never regret your children, but you'll regret who you chose to have them with. Plan and pick what you do these big things with carefully, or you'll regret it forever.
4 Booking That Big Vacation Together? Yeah, Don't
You'd think a vacation would be the one thing that brings out the best in them. New scenery, sunshine, a break from the daily grind. Nope.
Booking that big trip together is where things really unravel. You'll spend weeks planning, saving, picking hotels, and getting excited. And then day one arrives, and something is wrong. The room isn't right. The flight was too long. The waiter looked at them funny.
I've heard so many versions of the same story. People come home from what should have been a dream trip looking hollow.
They tell me, "I spent the whole week walking on eggshells." Or, "They gave me the silent treatment on the beach for two days because I ordered the wrong drink."
Away from home, you have nowhere to escape to. No spare room. No friend down the road. Just you, them, and a hotel key.
And the money? Gone. The memories? Ruined. The photos you'll look back on later will make your stomach turn.
Save the vacation for when you're travelling as yourself again.
5 Buying a Pet Feels Innocent... Until It Isn't
You think you're getting a puppy. A little bundle of joy to bring some softness into the home. Maybe you're hoping it'll fix something between you, or give you both a shared project that isn't tense.
And then the pet arrives, and suddenly the narcissist has zero interest in walks, vet bills, or the 3am whining. That's your job. All of it.
Worse, the pet becomes a bargaining chip. "If you leave, I'm keeping the dog." I've heard that line so many times my stomach turns. They don't even want the animal. They want leverage.
Some narcissists go further. They neglect the pet on purpose to punish you. They shout at it when they're really shouting at you. The animal becomes another thing in the house that's walking on eggshells.
A pet is a living creature that needs stability, patience, gentleness. Everything a narcissist can fake for about six weeks and then drop entirely. Please think twice before bringing a soul like that into a home that isn't safe yet.
