Is it Halloween already?
No, it isn't, but try telling that to the narcissist. The tricks keep coming, and there are no treats handed out at the end of any of it. There never are with these people, are there?
Some of the sneakiest tricks they pull happen right inside that little device you carry everywhere. Their phone, your phone, the text messages flying back and forth. And I want to talk about that today, because the texting trick is one of the most underrated control tactics out there.
If you haven't already worked it out, the answers are right here. I think a few of these, maybe all of them, will hit you in a way that makes you go, "Oh my goodness, I've let this slide for years."
The Narcissist and the Phone
This is a painful little chat we need to have, isn't it? Narcissists can get to us no matter where we are or what we're doing, all thanks to a glowing rectangle that lives in our back pocket.
We all have phones. We all use them. We pretty much need them now with how work, family and friendships are wired up. The narcissist loves theirs too, and they especially love the text message.
What used to be a quick, "Hey, picking up bread, want anything?" has grown into endless, looping, all-hours conversations with dozens of people.
Narcissists love this more than anyone. They love that whoever they want to reach is twenty seconds away from getting pinged.
Bored? Send a text.
Want to stir trouble? Send a text.
Need attention right now? Send a text.
Want to ruin somebody's afternoon? Send a text.
And here's the thing to keep in mind. With narcissists, it isn't always the text itself. Sometimes it's what's inside the text. Sometimes it's the timing. Sometimes it's the silence on the other end. The trick lives in the detail.
Control: The Unbreakable Narcissistic Force
And underneath every single one of those tricks sits the same thing. Control. Every narcissist wants it. Needs it. Cannot exist without it. It's the engine. Take that away and there's not much left.
You and I, we're happy to accept that life is a bit of a coin flip. Some days go great, some days don't. The narcissist cannot accept that for a second. They have to dictate the ending.
They have to be the one writing the story, casting the parts, deciding who gets the happy outcome and who gets thrown under the bus.
And if you happen to be the one suffering for their version of the ending? Tough luck.
When it comes to texting, this need to control becomes something really ugly. They use those little messages to twist you up, confuse you, isolate you, and create drama just because they can.
Trick 1: "Don't Forget Me!"
The "don't forget I exist" text is a classic, and every narcissist runs this play.
They love to remind you they're alive, and they're especially good at doing it when you're having a great day without them. You finally get out with a friend you haven't seen in months, and ping, ping, ping.
A flurry of messages, all chatty, all light, all designed to drag your eyes back to the screen.
And the victim, you, you look down and think, "Oh, they're in a good mood for once. I'd hate to break that. Let me reply quickly." So you do. And then you reply again. And again.
Suddenly your friend is sitting across from you, picking at their lunch, watching you text under the table. The whole afternoon, gone.
That's the trick. You were keen to keep the peace, keen to ride the rare good mood while it lasted. But the truth? They didn't text because they were happy. They texted because you were happy somewhere else, and they couldn't stand it.
Sad, isn't it? That somebody who acts so sure of themselves cannot tolerate you having one nice lunch without them?
Welcome to narcissism.
Trick 2: "Pah. I'll Reply Some Other Time"
Now flip it. When you need them, when you need an actual answer, when you've sent something that matters, suddenly they're the most relaxed person on Earth.
They see your message. They probably read it twice. And then nothing. No reply. For hours. Sometimes days.
Why? Because your priorities have never been their priorities. They've made that clear from day one. When you reach out, they want you to feel that reaching out doesn't work. They want you sitting there refreshing the screen.
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A SweatIt's basically the text version of the silent treatment. And what does that do to a victim?
You start the spiral. "Did I say something? Did that last message come across weird? Should I send another one?" You re-read your text fifteen times trying to find the offence in it. There isn't one. There was never going to be one.
They just wanted you to feel small while they sipped their coffee.
Trick 3: "The Bare Minimum"
And when they do eventually reply, brace yourself, because what you get is barely a reply at all.
Okay.
Sure.
Whatever.
Yep.
Nope.
K.
Look at those. Just look at them. Now imagine receiving them when you've just sent a long, thoughtful message about your day or something you were worried about.
There are a couple of reasons this matters. First, conversation dies on the vine when one person refuses to give you anything to work with. You can't build anything off "k". Second, and this is the real point, it's a message inside the message.
They're saying, "Yes, I'm here, but no, I'm not giving you what you need."
So the victim does the thing victims always do. They poke at it gently. "Hey, you okay? You're being a bit quiet today."
Incoming.
"I'm busy!"
"Not everyone can sit on their phone all day like you."
"Someone has to work."
"You're being needy."
"Why do you always make everything about you?"
You cannot win this game. The bare minimum was the setup, and the explosion was always coming.
Trick 4: "Block, Unblock, Repeat"
I want you. I don't want you. I want to hear from you. Don't ever message me again. Hey babe, you up?
You genuinely never know where you stand with some of them. They block, then unblock, then block again, and the timing is never random. It always lines up with something you did that they didn't like, or something you didn't do that they expected.
I've spoken to so many people who have admitted they check their phones obsessively, just to see if today is a blocked day. Imagine that. Imagine the energy that takes. Sitting at your desk, opening WhatsApp, scrolling to their name, checking if the profile picture still shows.
That's not a relationship. That's a hostage situation with notifications.
Trick 5: "Phone OFF"
And then there's the next level up from blocking, which is the full blackout.
Phone off, message undelivered, you're on the outside of a wall you can't climb. Even if there were a fire, even if their mother had been rushed to hospital, even if you needed something urgently, the phone is off and nothing's getting through.
And before you tell me this sounds cruel, that's because it is. It's deeply cruel. Narcissists do not actually care if you needed them. They care about the story they'll tell when they switch it back on.
"Oh, signal was awful where I was."
"My battery died."
"I went to bed early, sorry."
Stop it. You're grown adults with chargers, signal, and the ability to step outside for two minutes. The phone being off is a decision, not an accident.
Trick 6: "What Text?"
This one always makes me laugh in a tired sort of way. The complete denial that your text ever existed.
"I didn't get anything from you."
"Nothing came through on my end."
"My messages have been playing up, sorry."
Don't believe a word of it. Phones in 2024 are basically little supercomputers. Messages get delivered. We can see read receipts, delivery ticks, the little "typing" bubble. You can tell when a message has landed.
The truth is simple. They got it. They saw the preview. They chose not to open it, so technically, in their little courtroom of denial, they "never read it." It's such a small, petty lie, but it does big work.
It tells you that you don't matter enough for them to even tap a screen. And it keeps you on the back foot for one more day.
Trick 7: "Prompt. Prompt Again. Prompt Some More."
Now, the flip side of all that silence. When you go quiet, even for a second, they cannot handle it.
Alex, do you think this person is a narcissist?
I can't diagnose anyone over a few text messages, I really can't. But I can tell you the red flags that wave themselves wildly in the wind when you've left a narcissist on read for, oh, fourteen whole minutes.
Watch what comes next:
A random GIF.
A single "x".
See also The One Thing a Narcissist Can't Fake, No Matter How Hard They TryA meme they think is funny.
A photo of their dinner.
A question mark.
Two question marks.
"?????"
A sudden, out-of-nowhere mention of something they know you love. Your favourite band's new album. That show you're obsessed with. Your dog.
Each one of these little pokes is saying the same thing. "I have texted you. You have not replied. I am still here. I will keep showing up in your notifications until you cave and answer me."
And we know what that is, don't we?
