I know you think it's over, but I want you to know that it never really will be if a narcissist can help it.
Just when you got to a point where you were able to take those big, deep, healing breaths again; your phone lights up, the door knocks, whatever it is; the narcissist returns. This is never a random move, and is always severely calculated.
Once you know what the narcissist's reasons are, I've a feeling that's where change in a permanent way comes in.
You'll stop opening the door, stop replying to the text, stop wondering if maybe this time is different. Because spoiler, it isn't. It never is.
I can only hope for you, that's soon.
1 If you think they miss you…
…I want you to think about what that might really mean. Missing you seems like such a warm, loving notion, but they don't miss you. No narcissist misses you. You have opinions and feelings. You have bad days that are difficult; you're human.
The narcissist doesn't miss that aspect of you, but they do miss what you gave them. You might think, "What was that, Alexander?" The answer is simple:
They miss the attention you gave them. They miss all the times you were patient with them, meaning they could get away with anything all the while you were around. They miss how willing you were to absorb whatever came your way, like it was nothing.
You'd shrug off the bad mood of the narcissist in order to keep the peace and give them this space they seemed to demand.
I had a client tell me her ex actually said, "You used to just get me, now you make everything so difficult." Translation? You stopped absorbing. That's the whole complaint.
Let's be honest, it all boils down to you being useful. The crux of the issue, the root of it all. They want to try to find a way to be useful again, and coming back to you telling you they've changed is a great foot in that door.
2 The narcissist's new supply isn't working so much
There will always be some kind of creepy reason the narcissist wants to come back into your life, and this one is no exception. They often leave you and find a new source of supply.
That supply only lasts as long as it's meant to, and as soon as it fizzles out, the narcissist will want to head back to you, knowing you offer so much more than their new supply did. They moved on fast, you have to remember that.
Two weeks after your relationship ended, they were flaunting who seemed to be the best thing that ever happened to them. That never lasted, and now they're scanning their options and realizing that you are the best one they have.
The new supply figured them out quicker than you did. Lucky them. Now the narcissist is standing outside your door with the same old script, hoping you forgot the ending.
It's easy to head back to you. It's easy to already have programmed what buttons to press to get a reaction from you, and to get you back on their side. Are you going to fall for it like you did before, or have things changed now?
I made such a big mistake. I'm so sorry. Nobody gets me like you. Is there any chance we can work it out? If you're smart, the answer would be a big, fat no.
3 The ego is missing a chunk…
Oh dear, what happened to the narcissist's ego? Did somebody give them a reality check? If that's the case, it will be largely dented, and they will want someone to make it better and give them that vital boost they now need. Who better than you, right?
See also 7 Weaknesses Every Narcissist Has That Will Destroy Them In The EndThat's why you'll often find them coming back to you, hoping you'll welcome them with open arms. Taking a knock is never usually on their bingo card, but this time around, they're relying on you to prop them up and tell them how wonderful they are.
They need you, after all, you were the one all this time to keep them propped up and ready for anything, so they at least know to come to you for that same hit over and over again.
I've heard it phrased as, "You're the only one who really gets me." Translation? You're the only one who still falls for it.
The narcissist in this case will come back as a softer version of their usual self. They may even present as vulnerable, and that'd be their sick way of acting convincingly so that you hope this version of them is real. Is it real?
That's for you to figure out, but if you keep making the same mistake on loop, it's unlikely you're meeting someone authentic halfway anywhere.
4 It's to see if they simply still can
Yep, the good old testing of the waters. Who knew a narcissist would be so good at trying their best to see if the doors to your relationship are still open, or can be opened once more? They will try, and they try because they know that's previously worked.
At times, the narcissist does come back without a plan, and there's no real need or plan for their end. However, they just want to see if you'll welcome them back. I've been thinking about you. I so needed to hear your voice.
Do you think we could talk a little bit? Responding might feel like a good idea, but really, you're just proving to the narcissist that you're still there no matter what. You like the words they return to you with; they're words that tell you you're being thought of.
Response gives the narcissist exactly what they came for. You don't realize it, but that's a whole heap of control that you're giving them, and they will snap it out of your hands and grasp it immediately.
One reply, even a cold one, tells them the line still works. That's all they wanted to know. Now they've got the map back in.
5 What's missing? Something!
It's not romantic, but it's certainly telling. The narcissist knows their bank account has crept into the dangerously low region. Perhaps they've been served an eviction notice, and have nowhere to go.
They see you as a resource and know they can get information from you, or access to a person they need. You're basically a commodity. They know you have something they don't have, and so you get the old familiar call or text.
They knock at your door with a sweet, slightly embarrassed smile.
And out comes the line, "I just really needed to see you. Nobody gets me the way you do." Translation: my card got declined and I need a couch.
Sure, they can be as warm as they want. Nostalgia can kick in, and they'll wrap you up like someone who comes with many positive, happy memories. You'll be lured into thinking you're wanted and cared about, but they only want one thing…
…Your assistance. I think that's the point where you have to ask yourself, "Is this what I want to keep doing? Is this wise? Am I worth more?"
I think you already know the answers to all of these questions, and you're right, you are worth so much more.
6 It's the same cycle all the time
I hate to say it but, yes, this will keep happening all the while the dynamics refuse to change.
Seeing as the narcissist isn't going to change, it's down to you to create boundaries that keep them away and tell them to steer clear of attempting to get back into your life.
One client of mine kept unblocking him every few months, hoping this time would be different. Every time, same script, same apology, same slow slide back into misery.
You think they've changed because the narcissist has told you, but history repeats itself time and time again, and learning when and how that happens is sure to help you see the wood from the trees. It's time to start fully protecting yourself.
7 Boredom struck, so here they are
Boredom is a real motivator for a narcissist, and it makes them do the strangest things. Like, say, resurface in your life after months (or years) of nothing.
Their new supply got predictable. The person they were chasing turned them down. Their weekend plans fell through. Whatever it is, they're twiddling their thumbs, and suddenly your name pops back into their head.
And who else would they go to? You were reliable once. You picked up. You answered. You made them feel like something.
So the "I've been thinking about you" text arrives, dressed up as growth or reflection or some deep realisation. It isn't any of that. They're just bored, and you're the easiest number in their phone.
I had someone tell me once that her ex reappeared, word for word, on a rainy Sunday afternoon. She said she could almost picture him lying on his couch, scrolling, landing on her name. That's exactly what it is.
Bored narcissists reach backwards. Growing people don't.
8 They heard you're doing well (and they hate it)
Word travels. It always does. Someone told them you got the promotion, or that you look happy, or that you were out laughing with friends last weekend. And suddenly? There they are, sliding into your messages like nothing ever happened.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House"I've been thinking about you. I've grown so much. Can we talk?"
No, they haven't grown. They've been informed. There's a difference.
Your happiness without them is unbearable to a narcissist. It's proof that they weren't the sun you orbited around. It's proof you were the strong one all along. And they can't sit with that, so they come sniffing around trying to plant themselves back into your story.
I've watched this pattern play out too many times to count. The second a victim starts thriving, the ex resurfaces with fresh apologies and shiny new promises. It's not love. It's damage control.
Your good news isn't an invitation. You don't owe them an update, a coffee, or a conversation. Keep thriving. Let them hear about that too.
