If you've ever tried to reason with a narcissist, you'll know how impossible it is. You can try, but you never get anywhere because they just don't want to hear about it. They won't get it, and you exhaust yourself trying.
The secret I want you to know is that it's not because the narcissist doesn't understand, it's because they only understand certain cues. If you want to handle every narcissist, you have to start with understanding 6 key points about them.
Wrap your head around these, and the power immediately returns to you.
And I mean immediately. Not in six months, not after a therapist tells you it will. The moment you actually get these six things, something shifts.
1 Not being heard by the narcissist is normal, I hate to say it!
You're not speaking the same language, and that's just a truth many people need to admit if they're involved with a narcissist. For you, yes, you're speaking in a way most normal people do.
You want to try to communicate effectively, but it feels as though you're constantly banging your head against a brick wall. Why? Because the narcissist is intent on misunderstanding you.
They only know their own toxic language, and for you, that will never get you both to a place where you're both happy and healthy in love. You'll wish you were, and you'll work hard to get there, but it will only be a destination, and never an actual arrival.
It's like if you were to tell them, "I just want us to be in a place where we're good," the narcissist hears, "Whatever you choose to do to me, and how you choose to treat me, I will tolerate."
Everything about understanding a narcissist starts with realizing this as the foundational, fundamental truth. If you want to handle them, you have to take control of this mismatched energy and communication.
A client told me she used to rehearse sentences in her head like she was preparing for a court hearing. He still twisted every single one.
If you can do that, then these things you need to understand will be so much easier to understand.
2 One: Make sure you follow through with those consequences!
A narcissist will hear you, and they will wonder if you're going to follow through with your words. It'll happen when you're trying to impose some boundaries, and you tell the narcissist, "If you keep treating me like this then I am going to leave the conversation and the room."
The narcissist pushes you again and again. They continue that treatment, and you? You stay in the room, tolerating every single word, and making sure you don't show the narcissist the consequences you told them would happen.
Your words lose power at that point; they're mere threats, and you both know it. You're not handling the narcissist or the situation if you live like this.
You're telling the narcissist that you're trying, but that you cannot quite get over the line of being strong with boundaries, and doing what you say you'll do. If you say you're going to leave, you need to leave.
Surely things here are bad enough for you to want to leave, so why stay? You say this all the time, and you never actually leave, so why bother? That's right, the narcissist can actually call you out on your own inconsistencies if they occur too frequently.
They remember every time you say something you evidently don't mean, and they laugh it off because when you don't, you're showing them that you prefer to stay with them rather than stick to your morals.
I had someone tell me their ex actually said, "You always say you're leaving, but here you are, sat right where I want you." That stuck with me.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HousePulling back really does mean just that; pulling back. I know it can be hard when you're faced with someone who is making it very hard for you to walk away, but your words have to have some kind of meaning.
There must be a level of self-preservation there in order for you to live a life with a fraction of happiness and certainty.
If you're making these empty threats, you're essentially just giving them a little light entertainment, which makes you another reason for them to use you as the butt of their jokes.
3 Two: Regain control of yourself so they don't have it!
It sounds like a heck of a lot to do in one go, but there are tiny ways you can gain control of yourself in order to take it all away from the narcissist. Any narcissist thrives best on predictability.
They love being able to know what's going to happen, what mood you will be in, and how to trigger you. They know exactly how you will react when they push certain buttons. When you sulk, they know how you got there. They have mapped you out to perfection.
One client told me her ex could predict the exact moment she'd start crying in an argument. He'd even pour himself a drink first. That's how mapped out she was.
This only means one thing:
When that map stops working, the narcissist becomes incredibly rattled. When those tears are anticipated, yet your tears dry up, that's when the narcissist starts to panic. When you stop apologizing for every little thing you think you've done, you inject a healthy dose of fear into them.
When they stare at you all disappointed and cold, you don't explain yourself because you simply don't want to; that's when those dynamics start to shift.
Handling a narcissist means you have to break the cycle in some way, and this is one of the most effective ways to do that. In return, you'll get a very confused narcissist, who will throw comments at you such as:
Why are you being like this? What's gotten into you? You're being weird. No, you're not. But the narcissist won't want to show you how panicked they are, and will instead try to get out of you what the deal is, and what's changed. They're disorientated.
The entire control they've had and become accustomed to has been taken from them without explanation, seemingly overnight. They then are unable to relax, wondering what to do next to get that control back into their field. They may shout, yell, sulk, try to guilt you; pay no attention.
You have to understand that nobody should have control over you. Once you have the control back to yourself, the world really is your oyster.
4 Three: Be indifferent, it works!
Being indifferent takes some practice, but once you have it nailed, there's really nothing a narcissist can do to make you feel like you're losing your mind any more.
It cuts them all so deeply when they spend their lives trying to find people who they can get a reaction from, and then that reaction is taken away. They need that reaction because anger works for them, just like your tears do. If you're begging, that's a reaction, too.
If you're reacting, or yelling in some way, it's showing the narcissist that you still care enough to find emotions that fit into the moment. Stop caring what they think. That has to be genuine, too, and not just something you 'try.'
I can honestly say, when you shrug and say, "Who cares," you are in a magical place that you really shouldn't underestimate. Once upon a time, the narcissist could destroy your entire week with just a look or comment, and now it rolls off your back in seconds.
One woman told me she used to shake for hours after his comments, and now she just makes a cup of tea and carries on with her evening.
If you want to handle them, this is one of the most powerful things you can do for yourself, and it won't happen overnight. When you get there, you become invincible.
5 Stop Explaining Yourself Every Five Minutes
Ever notice how much time you spend justifying yourself to a narcissist? Why you were late. Why you spoke to that friend. Why you bought the thing you bought with your own money. It never ends, does it?
Here's what I want you to sit with: they aren't actually listening. They're waiting for a gap to poke another hole in your reasoning. Every explanation you offer becomes fresh ammunition, twisted and thrown back at you an hour later, a week later, whenever it suits them.
So stop. Just stop.
"I've made my decision." That's a sentence. "No, that doesn't work for me." Also a sentence. You do not owe a paragraph, a footnote, and a bibliography for every choice you make.
I've watched people physically relax the first week they try this. Shoulders drop. Sleep improves. Because carrying the weight of constant self justification is exhausting, and you've been doing it for years without noticing.
The less you explain, the less they have to work with. That's the whole trick.
6 Their Reaction Is Not Your Emergency
You send the message. You say the thing. You hold the boundary. And then the narcissist detonates.
The rage. The sudden illness. The five missed calls in a row. The long paragraph about how you've destroyed them.
And your whole body goes into fix-it mode, doesn't it? Heart pounding, stomach in knots, brain scrambling for a way to smooth it all over before something bad happens.
See also 8 Creepy Bedtime Habits That Only a Narcissist Would HavePause there. Really. Just pause.
Their reaction belongs to them. Their meltdown, their fury, their guilt trip dressed up as a crisis. You didn't cause it and you can't defuse it, no matter how quickly you reply or how carefully you word the next message.
I tell people all the time, "You are allowed to let their storm happen without running out into it." A grown adult having a tantrum because they didn't get their way is not something you need to solve at 11pm on a Tuesday.
Let it ring. Let it sit. Let them feel their own feelings for once.
That silence you're holding? That's the work.
