Divorce for anyone is never going to be an easy, straight forward process. It's a whole other ball game having to endure the stress of official separation with a narcissist, though. As much as you think the hardest part was living with them, you ain't seen nothing yet.
You haven't even begun to know what real paperwork looks like, and how challenging it is to get to the other side.
And the paperwork is just the surface. Underneath it, the narcissist is running a whole other campaign, one you didn't sign up for and can't really opt out of.
I want to talk you through what to expect, so that you're armed as best as can be for that inevitable end. Are you ready?
1 Before it gets better…
It gets a whole lot worse. Filing for a divorce with a narcissist will no doubt be something you've been wanting to do for such a long time. Then that opportunity finally hits, so do all the consequences.
You've known them forever, and you know their tricks and ways they control and manipulate you, well, this is going to be confirmation of all of that. The stakes are high, the gloves are off, and the narcissist's mask will never reach their face again.
You'll get the full spectrum now. The rage, the fake tears, the sudden concern for the kids they barely noticed last month. All of it, aimed at you.
From their image to their finances, the narcissist knows every part of them is under threat now, and they will want to protect everything they have and have worked for. That's where you come in, you'll have one heck of a fight to undertake.
That's down to the narcissist wanting to preserve it all, and you're the danger that it'll all be taken from them. Prepare? You'd better!
2 Kids become weapons
Do you share kids with the narcissist you're about to divorce? If so, you're about to be brutally awakened by the force of the narcissist's intent on using them against you. The kids hate you. They don't want to see you. They keep telling me they're scared of you.
They say you keep getting mad and crying all the time. Those kids aren't people in the narcissist's eyes, they never were. Only now you're divorcing, it's going to be a case of, "Who can I get on my side through this?"
The older those kids are, the more likely the narcissist is going to permanently cause damage between you and them, and if they have their way, that'll happen. Expect your kids to be used as messengers and emotional pawns in this sick game the narcissist is about to play.
Suddenly your ten year old is coming home saying, "Dad says you don't pay for anything," or, "Mom says you're the reason we can't go on vacation." Word for word.
I see it all the time, so I don't know if you'll be lucky enough to escape this.
3 Smear campaign activated
Smear campaigns can be hell for people to go through. Your name and reputation are both up for figurative laughter, and you probably won't be able to escape it. Mutual friends may distance themselves from you, and that'll be because they've been told you're bad news, or crazy.
Neighbors, coworkers; even your family will be drawn into this, and it can hurt, especially when you know you're the innocent one in all of this. I did everything I could. I tried my best. They were just impossible to sustain a relationship with.
They will hear it all, and some will believe it, changing your relationship with those people forever.
One client had her own sister stop returning her calls because the narcissist got there first with, "She's been drinking again, I'm worried about the kids." Complete fabrication.
You have to take it. Fighting will make things worse. It's not pleasant, but if it means you still get this divorce, that must be what you focus on.
4 Everything gets delayed (purposely)
Of course it will! You didn't think it would all go smoothly, did you? Big mistake, if so!
A narcissist knows what you want, and as ever, they will endeavor to slow it down as much as possible just to get under your skin and watch you get more and more frustrated as time goes by.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseThis is the last piece of control they get to have over you, so any narcissist will usually make a meal of it. Don't expect calls from lawyers to be prompt, papers to be signed in time, they won't be.
Things will get lost, calls won't be picked up, emails will be delayed, but you need to know that every single delay is intentional just to keep you in their orbit.
That's where they love you the most, and where they'll keep you for as long as it takes to truly wind you up to your maximum stress levels.
I had a client tell me her ex missed six mediation calls in a row, then emailed her lawyer saying she was the one being difficult. Sound familiar?
5 Finances? They get sabotaged, too
Why wouldn't they? Everything is up for grabs during a divorce with a narcissist. A narcissist often burns money before they let you have the share of what's yours.
Before that, accounts that are hidden from you will mysteriously close up and be cashed out, and paperwork will lose the trail.
One woman told me her ex sold his car for cash the week before mediation, then swore he'd never owned it. The receipts had vanished, apparently.
If you can; get the best accountant there is. You'll need it in order to keep what's yours coming to you instead of being denied.
6 Spiralling mental health? Check!
Any divorce will leave most people running on empty, so imagine how it must feel divorcing one of the most toxic, vengeful people on the planet. Your court dates, all those legal fees, all the manipulation that goes with it all? Yeah, that's enough to drag anyone's mental health down.
It will sit in your body like it's got nowhere else to go, and it's a huge sign that you need to remember to be kind to yourself. You're carrying a great deal, and anyone in your position would be feeling the same right about now.
One woman told me she couldn't remember eating for three days during her final hearing. Her brain was just gone. That's what this level of stress does.
7 The courtroom is their new audience
Charm! That's what the courtroom will see. That same charm you saw and fell for when you first met the narcissist will be back on display. The narcissist will be on their best behavior, making odd jokes and trying to relate to everyone they meet.
It can catch you off guard when you're standing opposite them feeling like you've been dragged through a hedge this entire process. Document everything; that's the only way the judge will get a rounded view of the smiley person they've been presented with.
Bring the texts, the voicemails, the emails where they called you every name under the sun. Because in that room, they'll be swearing they never raised their voice.
8 Expect intense hoovering
The tables also have the ability to drastically turn during a divorce, seeing a narcissist seemingly repent and want another chance. I've changed. I've been in therapy. Can't we just talk it over? Is there hope for us? Hope!
That's what you clung to since forever, and now you're past that. Don't buy their vulnerability, because it's never going to be genuine. The trap is saying yes and trying again, because you will always end up right back where you started.
And the hoovering gets creative. Flowers at your office, a suddenly ill relative, a mutual friend just happening to bring them up. Anything to crack the door open again.
9 Any agreement you have will be violated
During that mediation meeting, you both made an agreement, yet within a week, the narcissist has broken all those conditions without care or consideration for you. For them, an agreement will only matter when it serves them, or when they've got an audience to play to.
One client told me her ex agreed to a pickup time in front of the mediator, then texted an hour later, "That doesn't work for me anymore." Predictable, isn't it?
Make sure your lawyer is up to date with everything at all times.
10 If you have a support network, expect it to be torn apart
Don't imagine for a second that any support network you have will remain intact. The narcissist will get under their skin, giving them reason to ask you questions, or question your present mental state.
Suddenly your sister is asking if you've been sleeping enough. Your best friend wants to know if you're taking your medication. Where did that come from? Three guesses.
The aim here is to isolate you. Don't buy it.
11 Everything takes forever
It does, but that's where you need your most patience. If you can dig your heels in and always remain a step ahead of the narcissist, you have the best chance of getting out of this in one piece.
One client told me her ex delayed signing paperwork for eight months over a coffee table. A coffee table. That's the level of pettiness you're dealing with.
Don't anticipate perfection. The narcissist will make sure they make your life hell! It will take forever, but it'll be worth it.
12 The Physical Toll Nobody Mentions
Divorcing a narcissist doesn't just live in your head. It shows up in your body, and it stays there longer than you expect.
Your shoulders are up around your ears. You're grinding your teeth in your sleep, and your dentist is asking questions. That weird chest tightness that comes on when their name flashes on your phone? Yeah, that's not nothing.
I've had people tell me they lost hair. Others gained weight, or lost it, or stopped being able to eat much of anything without their stomach turning. Migraines out of nowhere. Backs seizing up. That constant low-grade nausea that lives with you through every email from their lawyer.
Your nervous system has been on high alert for years, and now, right when you think you should feel relief, it's finally letting all the stored stuff out.
It doesn't mean you're falling apart. It means your body kept score while you were too busy surviving to notice. Be gentle with it. It carried you through some awful things.
13 You Might Actually Miss Them (And That's Normal)
This one catches people off guard. You've done the hard yards, you've pulled yourself out, and then one random Tuesday you're standing in the kitchen missing them.
See also 8 Creepy Bedtime Habits That Only a Narcissist Would HaveAnd you feel like you've lost your mind. How can you miss someone who treated you like that?
Here's what's actually happening. You're not missing the narcissist. You're missing the good days. The version of them you thought you were getting at the start. The love bombing high, the future you were promised, the person you were building in your head.
Missing that is human. It doesn't mean you made the wrong call. It doesn't mean you should go back.
It just means your nervous system was hooked on a cycle for a long time, and now the cycle has stopped, and there's a strange, quiet gap where all that chaos used to live.
Let yourself feel it. Cry about it. Then remember why you left.
Missing them and going back are two very different things.
