People ask this quietly, and only if they're really reflecting on their own accounts with a narcissist. It's hard to be honest with yourself when you're in the throes of an abusive situation, and so I want to make it easier for you.
I get asked this a lot, usually in a whisper. "Could they ever just... sit with themselves?" And my answer is always the same, and it isn't the one people are hoping for.
The real kind of alone that you want to know if narcissists are comfortable sitting in is impossible. The silence here is not silence; it's louder than any sound you could imagine.
To be in nothing but their own company is their worst nightmare, and today I want to talk about why that is.
1 To be able to be alone, you have to be okay in your 'self'
Can you sit with yourself for any amount of time and not flinch? Of course you can. I love sitting alone and getting that chance to catch up with my day, rest for 20 minutes, or just balance out any chaos I've had to deal with, with a little peace.
It's not often I get to do it, but I am comfortable doing it. That's because us healthy folk have an actual self.
I had a client describe it perfectly. She said, "When he's alone, he goes quiet for a day, then explodes at someone the second they walk through the door." Sound about right?
We have this inner life tucked away that doesn't need constant management, and we have a sense of worth that doesn't rely on exterior compliments in order to feel good about ourselves. Narcissists don't have that, and they never will.
With them, their reliance on an audience to perform to is the only place they can stand, and being alone offers none of that.
For them, life is boring and dare I say, excruciating for them to deal with in that respect, and so they refuse to be alone in any kind of way that is otherwise healthy for anybody else.
Nobody is there, nobody cares, and all the narcissist is left with is their own bitter resentment for company. That's gotta hurt.
2 Each silence feels like a punishment
You know, for most people, silence is a great pause; like a reset that's needed when it's needed, right? We love it. It brings with it this calmness that I think our busy lives thrive in.
When you get into the mind of a narcissist, you start to understand that silence to them means nothing but some kind of punishment. It reads like the kind of information they detest and even fear. People aren't calling them or stopping by.
There aren't any texts coming through, and there's no attention coming their way.
I had a client whose ex sent her a meme at 2am after three weeks of nothing. The message? "Thought of you." No, he didn't. He was just bored and the silence was eating him alive.
It's a nightmare scenario for any narcissist, who usually gets their kicks via other people. There's no way they can create and enjoy peace, instead it's as if life is continuing to move without them, and they aren't included in any of it.
Every moment of quiet is a moment they aren't being thought about, and it sends the message to them that they aren't missed either. That's why all that alone time sends them spiraling, and they start posting anything online just to get a little response.
Think about that the next time you randomly see a post online by them, or get a text that seems so out of the blue. It's because they're bored and want stimulation, and they're unable to provide that for themselves. Sad, but true.
3 When you're healthy, alone means being okay with it…
Why wouldn't it? A healthy response to being alone means you can crack the kettle on. You can take yourself for a walk around the park, finish that painting, get the bulbs for spring planted, cook yourself a nice dinner; whatever it may be.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseThese are unquestionably what goes on behind closed doors for normal people, and you know, I will even throw in putting on a show to binge watch or a film that you haven't seen because that's what people do. It's rather unremarkable, right?
Nothing special, and you'll have to admit that. A narcissist would laugh at you if you did that, and make out like there's something wrong with you. That's because they can't breathe in those possibilities at all.
I had a client tell me she spent her first Saturday alone making banana bread and watching a documentary about whales. She said it was the best day she'd had in years.
Their whole identity is built on being exceptional, and so to paint the bathroom walls is not what they want to be doing with their time. Ordinary for them is akin to a long, slow and painful death. No noise.
No projects; they just sit and fester in the spot they're in waiting for a miracle to stop by and take their attention to them. This is why they fill their calendar like it owes them something big.
For a narcissist, an empty calendar is a sign that they have an ordinary life with nothing exciting or important to align with their ego. What is it they're running from? The truth of course!
4 …and being honest with yourself
Ooh, now we are entering really tricky terrain for the narcissist. They hate being alone, and they hate being honest with themselves. Usually, being alone will prompt that honesty to rise if they're left long enough, so that's why they can't stand it for long.
Long periods of solitude act like a mirror for people. Am I living the kind of life I really like?
I had a client describe it perfectly. She said, "He could sit alone for ten minutes before reaching for his phone." Ten minutes! That's all the honesty he could handle.
Am I in relationships that I truly want to be in? Am I being honest with who I really am? Are the stories I tell about myself true, or fabricated? These are all well and good until you start expecting a narcissist to answer them truthfully.
That's where panic ensues, and fear will rise within them. Honesty for the narcissist would require them to take every story they've ever told about their life to little pieces, and to be able to sit with those truths would cause them more pain than you could think is imaginable.
5 Being alone: what would the exception be?
I took a big sigh before I even started typing this section, because it's a struggle to think of any exceptions. However, I want to draw your attention to a few small windows I've managed to pluck from my mind.
Let's go with health scares, or a loss they know they can't spin in any way.
I had a client whose narcissistic ex went quiet for three weeks after a cancer scare. No calls, no drama. Then the all clear came, and he was right back, louder than ever.
In those moments, a narcissist can, albeit briefly, pick out what it would be like to be alone. They retreat, wanting to just not be visible for a period of time.
It's what they feel will help the situation, and I'm sure it helps them to some extent, but it can never be for long before they show their faces all over again.
6 And so… no!
In short, no, a narcissist cannot be alone in a healthy way. They may try, or pretend they're fine alone, but they're not.
I had a client message me saying her ex posted, "Loving my own company right now," and three hours later he was blowing up her phone begging to meet. Alone? Sure.
There's a kind of satisfaction that comes with knowing this, and that's the idea that you are able to do far more than they can.
You can stop believing them when they say, "I've just been taking some time out lately," and see that as, "I've been to hell and back with no plans but I can't say that to you."
It feels good to know a narcissist isn't perfect, I know that for sure, and I know you'll agree with me!
7 Why Their Own Company Feels Like Torture
Imagine sitting in a quiet room with somebody you secretly can't stand. That's what being alone is like for a narcissist.
Their own company is unbearable because deep down, they know who they are. All the lies, the manipulation, the people they've hurt, the version of themselves they pretend to be every day. When the noise stops, all of that floods in.
And they've got no tools to deal with it! No self-reflection, no honesty, no ability to sit with anything uncomfortable. So silence becomes a kind of punishment.
Have you ever noticed how a narcissist always has the TV on? Or music? Or they're scrolling, or calling somebody, or starting an argument just for the sake of it? It's not coincidence. It's avoidance.
Because to be alone is to be face to face with themselves. And that's the one person they can't charm, can't manipulate, can't fool.
So they fill every gap with anything they can find. Anything but stillness.
Stillness is the enemy.
8 The Phone Scroll That Says It All
You know the scroll I'm talking about. The one where they're sitting on the couch, supposedly relaxing, but their thumb is moving like it's on a mission.
Up, down, up, down. Checking who posted. Checking who liked. Checking the ex's page. Checking yours. Then back to the top to start again.
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A SweatIt's not relaxation. It's a hunt.
A narcissist alone with their phone is a narcissist looking for a hit. Validation, comparison, a flicker of someone who might be interested, an old victim they can poke at with a "hey stranger" message at 11pm.
I've had clients tell me, "He'd sit next to me on the sofa for two hours and never say a word, just scroll." And of course he did. He wasn't with her. He was out shopping for supply.
Healthy alone time looks like a book, a walk, a nap, a thought. Their alone time looks like a slot machine. Pull, pull, pull, waiting for something to light up.
Does that sound peaceful to you?
