At times I get asked, "Does he think about me?" This is just one question about the narcissist that people wonder, and it revolves around the idea that there are thoughts that haunt the narcissist.
I can tell you what those thoughts are today, because there are several of them they can't shake after you leave them.
And honestly? They deserve every single one of those thoughts. After what they put you through, the idea that you live rent free in their head is, well, a little bit delicious, isn't it?
So, if you have the courage to go, I want you to know that as you do, you'll create thoughts in the narcissist that they'll be unable to shake. Keep reading to find out what they are.
1 That look you have the moment you stop reacting
All narcissists will remember the look you give them the day you finally stop reacting. You have to remember that this will be a complete contrast to the usual way you respond when they get up to their toxic tricks.
If the narcissist is used to shouting at you and watching the tears rise up in your eyes and fall down your cheeks, you're going to give them one heck of a shock the day you show nothing.
One client described it perfectly. She said, "I just looked at him like he was a stranger on a bus." He apparently asked her three times what was wrong. She said nothing.
It will be the image that crops up for weeks, months, even years after it happens, and it will remind them that they meant nothing to you from that moment on. That's when you get your freedom.
That's when the narcissist wakes up a time later at 3am and cannot get it out of their heads that all their games simply stopped working.
2 The sound of you closing the door…for good
There may have been a door that opened and closed for a long, long time. You went, you came back, you went, you came back, and so on and so forth. This time, the door wasn't slammed.
There was no anger or resolution that could come from the narcissist sweet talking you to come home again.
I had a client whose ex sat by the window for three nights waiting for her headlights. She never came. He still tells people she 'ran off in a state.' Sound familiar?
You left, you've gone, and you didn't go back. The narcissist will expect you to fail to cope with this new decision you made and come crawling back unable to function without them. They want a big scene they can claim victory over.
When you got out into your car and started it normally, driving off in a calm, composed manner, they realized you were not going to return. This is a classic time where silence is louder than any noise ever will be.
3 Your friend who saw through their games
The friend never lies, and this time, there was one in particular who just couldn't shake the warnings that were thrown your way. Perhaps it was a case of them never really warming to the narcissist, no matter how much charm they received.
I don't know, something about them just seems off.
I had one client whose best friend pulled her aside at a barbecue and said, "There's something wrong with him, I can't explain it." She brushed it off. Two years later, she rang that friend in tears.
You used to mention it to the narcissist, who would either laugh it off at the time or make excuses for you to not see them again. That face of your friend will never leave the narcissist.
To know there are people out there who know the truth down to signs and intuition will put fear in them for future interactions and relationships.
See also The Creepy Things Narcissists Do When They Are AloneFriends like that will try and warn you as much as they can, but eventually, it will always be you who has to see it for you to leave.
4 The fact that you're thriving without them
You will always thrive without a narcissist, the trouble is, you're told you will never amount to anything if you try to venture out into life on your own. Not true. There's nothing dramatic about the fact that you're thriving, but you're thriving, and everyone knows it.
The narcissist knows it. You're calm about the reality you're now in, one where you get to grow and heal, and do all the things the narcissist manipulated you into giving up while you were together.
I had a client message me a year after she left. She said, "Alexander, I made coffee this morning and just stood there. No knot in my stomach. I forgot people lived like this."
You eat dinner, your shoulders are down, you're listening to your favorite podcast and nobody is scoffing behind you at your choice. You went to bed at a reasonable time with no fights, and your stomach isn't in daily knots. Your peace enrages the narcissist.
They aren't in your life any more, and they get no say in how you live your life. Your freedom is their emotional turmoil. If that's not an incentive to leave, I don't know what is.
5 The apology the narcissist will never give you
This one may surprise you, but think about the very thing that would eat them alive, and the narcissist doesn't even know it's doing this. No narcissist will ever be able to say they're sorry, not in a genuine, remorseful way.
To do so would kill them, and so they instead carry that apology for the rest of their lives.
I had a client tell me her ex sent a four page message about how she ruined his life. Not one 'sorry' in it. Not even close. Tells you everything, doesn't it?
They meet new people, have new relationships, get a new place, and it follows them like a bad smell they can't get rid of.
He is talking about you, and telling people all kinds of crazy things, but it will always be the shield that hides the apology that will never come. Don't expect it, just let the fact that it exists haunt the narcissist.
They deserve that heaviness over them for everything they did to you.
6 Your new found independence
When you were in your relationship with the narcissist, the one thing you won't have had much (if any) of, is independence.
It may have started off nicely, but over time, the narcissist will have been keen to take away all the reasons why you love to be able to do something alone. You're not that bright. You need my help. It's not a good idea.
One client told me her ex messaged her mum, 'She'll never cope without me, she can't even book a dentist appointment.' Six months later she'd bought her own flat. Sound familiar?
You do this too often. Little phrases that chip away at the fact that you are emotionally free and capable. When that independence goes, you're left with relying on someone, and guess what, that's where they gladly step in.
When you leave them and gain that back, it may not happen right away. It takes time to undo the knot the narcissist created, but once you start seeing your old life return, nothing will haunt the narcissist more.
They think that you walked away helpless, when you were just getting started.
7 The fact that the narcissist was abandoned
The worst fear of a narcissist is that they will be abandoned. They spend their lives fearing the worst will happen, and they hide it well. They build this image over their insecurities because to have them is deemed a weakness.
For them, being weak makes a person imperfect, and that's where you will find no narcissist. The major fear of abandonment comes from growing up wanting and needing to be valued and validated at all times.
I had a client whose ex sent her a message three years after she left. Three years! It said, "You ruined me." She blocked him and poured a glass of wine.
If whatever they were doing wasn't perfect, they were rejected. Now they're projecting that onto everybody else they meet, while literally being the most imperfect person you could think of. Not that the narcissist will admit to being so.
For them, they never step out of line or see a problem with themselves. You leaving is abandonment, and it will haunt them for the rest of their lives.
8 The memory of the day you stopped believing them
There's a specific day. You know the one. The day something they said just didn't land the way it used to.
Maybe they pulled out the old, "You're imagining things, that never happened," and instead of crumbling into apology, you just looked at them. Quiet. Calm. Done.
And they saw it, didn't they? They clocked it in real time. The little flicker in your eyes that said, "I don't believe a word coming out of your mouth anymore."
That moment haunts them. Because before that day, they had you. They could spin any story and you'd twist yourself into knots trying to make it make sense. After that day? Nothing worked. Not the tears, not the rage, not the sweet voice they used when they wanted something.
They replay it. They wonder what they could have said differently, what tiny thing tipped you off. And the worst part for them? They'll never actually know. You stopped explaining yourself a long time ago.
That silence of yours rings in their ears forever.
9 That photo of you smiling without them in it
There's a picture of you out there somewhere. Maybe it's on your friend's feed. Maybe it's the one you set as your profile photo six months after leaving. You're laughing at something, your shoulders are down, your eyes look alive again.
And they've seen it.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseDon't think for a second they haven't. They scroll, they check, they look. And that one photo? It sits in their head like a splinter they can't pull out.
Because here's the thing. They spent so long convincing you that you'd be nothing without them. That you'd fall apart. That nobody else would put up with you. And now there's photographic evidence that you're actually doing better. Glowing, even.
You look free. You look happy. And worst of all for them, you look that way in a frame they don't appear in.
That image haunts them more than any argument ever did. Because arguments can be twisted, rewritten, denied. A smile can't. A smile just sits there, quietly telling the truth.
And isn't that the best revenge you never had to plan?
