The narcissist hates to sit and do nothing, so when they get that free time, you'll rarely see one sitting around twiddling their thumbs. What's the alternative?
I had one client say to me, "I used to wonder where he disappeared to for hours." When she finally found out, she wished she hadn't asked. You'll see why.
What they tend to do instead, is fill their free time with the weirdest of things that you'll never see (thank goodness!)
Because I'm all about truths, this topic is going to surprise you as much as it will make you cringe, but I assure you; it's all accurate. Here is a compiled and careful list of what narcissists really do in their spare time.
1. Free Time: What That Really Means
For you or I, free time is something we have in the back of our minds that we cannot wait for. It's not that work is a drag, or even that our errands run us into the ground; but it's about balance.
We need free time to remember who we are.
A client of mine once said her ex paced the house like a caged animal on Sundays. Just pacing. Couldn't sit still for ten minutes. Sound familiar?
We pot the plants, we hike, we watch that TV show we love, we cook, we see family and friends. A narcissist sees free time as a real panic-inducing experience.
They've no idea what to do with it, and see themselves as a threat to the time they've got in some way. Free time feels like punishment to a narcissist, and you'll understand why the more you read.
2. The Scrolling Obsession
While it may seem casual, the narcissist (with their phone in their hand) is always up to something you can't even come close to imagining. This is pure surveillance.
We live in a time where everybody posts everything online, and that's a dream world for the kinds of people who love to know all they can about other people.
I had one client whose ex would scroll for hours, then casually drop, "Oh, I saw your sister got a new job." She hadn't told him. He'd been digging.
Gossip, news, heartache, vacations, money, new houses or cars, illnesses; it's all up for grabs, and is why the narcissist loves to scroll to find out what they can.
Every person, from their ex to their enemy is compared and measured against each other, and how many likes people are getting, too. It's like they're keeping score, and they never stop. It's more than a little bit creepy, if you ask me.
3. The Rehearsal Of Conversations
In the most hilarious twist of fate, these are the kinds of conversations the narcissist will never have, alas, they rehearse them anyway, and try to make them as real as possible for drama, even when they are alone!
I know, it's a really crazy way to spend your free time, but narcissists are crazy.
I had a client tell me her ex would mutter under his breath in the car, full on snapping, "You think you're so clever, don't you?" to nobody. She just sat there, watching.
Whether they're in the shower, on a drive, or even having a nice long walk; a narcissist will never switch off, and instead spend that time arguing with themselves or trying to win a conversation they aren't even having.
It'd be nice if they chilled out and just thought about nice things, but I always try to be as real as I can. Winning an argument feels good, even if it's entirely fabricated.
4. Practicing Their Pose
Okay, I know you're already laughing. You're laughing because you either know somebody who does this, or you can picture the narcissist in your life staring into the mirror and standing in various poses that they're practising for maximum impact. Both are funny, so laugh away!
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseAs funny as they are, they're also true, so I really want you to think about what this really means.
I had a client peek through a crack in the door once and catch her husband rehearsing a sad face in the bathroom mirror. Three different sad faces actually. Can you imagine?
It's beyond just a look in the mirror and a brush of the hair, or appliance of hair product or make-up. Narcissists want to look at themselves to figure out what looked great five years ago for them.
That might mean scrolling back and catching old photos they want to recreate. Sometimes it's about talking, deciding what sounds authentic or honest.
If you ever wonder where the narcissist disappeared to for that random hour they went missing; they were taking themselves to a time or place that they want to bring to the present time.
5. The Search For New Supply
It doesn't matter if a narcissist is between partners or not, their search for new supply will occur, no matter the circumstance.
When they get a moment of free time, they're on the dating apps, looking up old contacts, or checking out their followers on socials to see who they can strike up a conversation with.
Don't think the narcissist is looking for love; this really isn't about wanting to fill an emotional void or meet somebody to grow old with.
This is nothing but scanning the world for who's available, and who can be there to provide their next chapter of attention, admiration, drama or conflict.
A client showed me her ex's phone once. Three dating apps, two messenger threads with exes, and a Facebook tab open on some woman from his gym. All on a Sunday afternoon.
If the narcissist is alone, that means they're free to go out hunting without worrying that you'll catch on.
Sadly, this is the reality many victims are stuck in, and it's one of those instances where you have no idea of the scale of things because they keep it all so private. In their eyes, they want a back up.
They may also want to back up that backup in case they disappear. For them, there can never be too many people to reach out to should they need someone, and this is the time to gather those people.
6. They Nurse Their Grudges
Does a narcissist remember something somebody said two years ago? I'll be direct: a narcissist remembers something somebody said forty years ago. They don't let go of feeling or being wronged, even if it was a genuine error on that person's part.
It's all there, living rent free in their minds. And when the narcissist gets a little free time?
I had a client tell me her ex brought up a comment she made at a dinner party in 2009. 2009! She'd forgotten she even said it. He hadn't.
That's right when the narcissist feels that grudge being pumped with oxygen to keep it alive another day, week, month, or year. They want to replay it, revisit the site they felt hurt or were exposed in some way.
Don't be surprised if the narcissist totally rewrites it and makes the moment become about how much pain they put the narcissist through. It will become bigger, filled with more lies and exaggerations, and they will love feeding it.
Don't ever expect a grudge a narcissist has to fade, not ever.
7. They Rewrite A Story In Their Head
It doesn't really matter what the story is, as long as the narcissist can find some time to sit quietly and think about how they can make it about them, or them being wronged.
If a sibling or child of theirs is no longer on speaking terms, that silent period will be about how they can spin the dynamic to be that they didn't do anything wrong.
I had a client whose mother spent six months crafting a version where my client had "abandoned" her. By the time it reached the cousins, my client was practically a villain in a soap opera.
What can they fabricate? How can it work so that people feel sorry for the narcissist? Trust me, free time will be all about tying together the tightest of stories to suit them.
8. They Manage Their Own Image Online
Narcissists want to build a look that says, "This is me, this is who I am, this is what I want my life to look like."
From picking the perfect coffee shop to tag themselves in, to buying the right clothes, to booking the most glamorous hotel for the weekend; everything is carefully organized to build the image they want to put out there.
I had a client show me her ex's Instagram once. Sunsets, gym selfies, captions about gratitude. Meanwhile she was sat across from me, exhausted from him screaming at her the night before.
It's always a far cry from who they actually are, they're just trying to get people to believe they are this wonderful person, but we all know the truth.
9. The Fake Hobby They Tell Everyone About
Ask a narcissist what they do for fun, and you'll get an answer designed to impress you. "Oh, I'm really into rock climbing." "I've been getting back into painting." "I'm training for a marathon."
Have they actually been climbing? Once. Three years ago. Did they pick up a brush? Yeah, they bought the kit, posted a photo of it, and that was that. The marathon? They went for one jog and complained about their knee.
The hobby isn't a hobby. It's a costume. Something to wear in conversation so they sound layered and interesting.
And here's what gets me, they'll talk about this fake hobby with such confidence that you start to second-guess yourself. "Wait, do they actually do that? I've never seen them do it, but they talk about it like they live it."
You haven't seen them do it because they don't. The talking is the hobby. The image of being a person who does the thing is what they're really after.
Tiring, isn't it?
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A Sweat10. Snooping. Endless Snooping.
If you've ever wondered what they're actually doing on that phone for hours, well, here you go.
They're scrolling. But not the way you and I scroll. They're checking your profile, your ex's profile, your sister's profile, that one coworker who liked your photo three weeks ago. They're reading old messages. They're looking at who viewed their story. They're digging.
And it doesn't stop at social media. Drawers, pockets, emails, the notes app on your phone if they can get to it. Anything that might give them a little nugget of information to file away for later.
Why though? Because information is currency to them. The more they know, the more they can use against you when the moment suits them. "Funny, I saw you were online at midnight…" Yeah. They were watching.
It's exhausting just thinking about it, isn't it? Imagine living like that. Imagine that being how you spend a Tuesday evening. No book, no walk, no genuine rest. Just snooping.
What a way to exist.
