Defeating the narcissist isn't something that takes five minutes. Although you've been fighting this for a long time, you've not really gotten anywhere, and that's where you end up in circles, driving yourself crazy.
I know, it stings to even hear the word 'defeat' knowing how much energy you've already poured in. But stick with me here, because these truths actually make the fight lighter, not heavier.
If I suggested to you to let go of all the ideas about the narcissist that just aren't true, you'd find letting go to be so much easier and painless. These sad truths you must accept are the best place to start.
1 You thought they were someone they were not, and never will be
I'm not starting small here, am I? The truth is, you did think they were someone totally different to who they ended up being. You assumed their charm to be of authentic nature, and that's what gave you the drive to persist a relationship with them.
I had a client say to me, "Alexander, I fell in love with someone who never actually existed." And you know what? She was right. That character was a costume, nothing more.
You hoped the narcissist meant what they said but above all else, you assumed they did. The version of themselves who they really are is not the version they sold to you, in fact, it's the other end of the scale entirely.
Just when you think you found your person, the narcissist went and proved you wrong in how they treated you. If you're ever going to get over them and experience full defeat, you have to open your eyes to this reality.
2 An apology becomes meaningless
Those words, man, they really cut. They don't mean a thing, and so many hope and wish they did. I'm sorry you feel this way. I apologize, but you did push me to do this. I'm sorry, I just wish you wouldn't drive me so crazy all the time.
A client once told me her ex apologized with, "I'm sorry you can't take a joke." She said reading it back years later, she couldn't believe she used to accept that as remorse.
These will all be fairly familiar to you, and I imagine it hurts just reading them. That will be because each one doesn't really work as an apology at all. The narcissist is only interested in damage control, and if they were really sorry, they'd hold space for accountability.
Seeing as they will never hand that one, it's time to stop waiting. When you can let go, you'll find that so much more starts to make sense.
3 The narcissist knows what they're doing all the time
You can fight hard to accept this, and I would fully understand your reasons why you struggle so much.
Seeing as you met the world's nicest person on paper and in real life, it's going to take some time to adjust to the fact that the narcissist is nothing like they initially seemed. The whole time they've been with you, they've known exactly what they're doing.
I had a client say to me, "But he cried when he apologized, Alexander." Sure he did. Crocodile tears are still tears. He just knew which button to press.
The twisted story, the lies to your friends, the good guy in public; it was all made up. They chose to be that way. Nothing about that will ever change, no matter how long you wait. Defeating them means finally admitting to that.
4 Your compassion is their leverage
Giving the narcissist another chance only works for them, there's nothing about it that's good for you. Strangely enough, people do it all the time, hoping it will make a difference and improve the relationship, when all it does it further drag it out.
I had a client say to me, "But he cried, Alexander. He actually cried." And I asked her, did anything change after those tears? Silence. You already know the answer.
When you soften and say, "It's okay, let's forget about it," you're saying, "I will put up with this, and more for you."
Your empathy isn't the issue; the narcissist taking full advantage of it is. They will continue to use it against you for as long as you allow them to stick around, and trust me, that can be forever if you permit it.
5 You can't love them enough to change them
If I love the narcissist hard enough, will I be able to change them? Victims live their lives assuming yes, and that's what keeps them staying for so long.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseI had a client who poured ten years of patience into a man who mocked her for crying. Ten years! Love wasn't the missing ingredient, and it never was going to be.
The truth is a hard, hard no! You've tried being kinder, but if you really want to defeat them and move on, you have to realize that no lover will make them good people. You can't love someone into being fixed, it just won't work.
6 The version of you the narcissist describes is far from who you actually are
You are not too sensitive, I repeat, you are NOT too sensitive! You'll believe this version of you that the narcissist puts out into the world and convinces you that you are because they're so persuasive.
Other people would love you, for sure, and you are not the problem in every relationship you have. The version of you they build is done to purposely erode your self worth, and if you hear it enough, you will start to believe it.
I had a client once repeat back to me, word for word, the way her ex described her. "Cold, dramatic, impossible to love." She'd been saying it about herself for years. His words, her mouth.
If you doubt yourself, you'll never leave. If you don't fight back, you'll never win. To defeat? That all needs to change.
7 Winning against them will look nothing like you thought
Winning won't look how it looks in your mind, and that's because winning against them often feels and is quieter.
I had a client picture herself yelling the truth at a family dinner, watching him crumble. What actually happened? She changed her number on a quiet Sunday. That was the win.
You want all the fanfares and choirs singing when you get your moment, but it does often look more like the narcissist steadily losing their grip, and you building your win each time they do.
If you want to defeat them, and you want that big moment, you're likely to be creating a huge problem for yourself above all else. That's something I'd probably steer clear of, and focus on getting out with dignity so you can finally move on.
8 The narcissist wants to see you fail
Every time you go to do something for yourself and somehow it gets ruined, I want you to think about how. Are you talked out of winning? Are you stressed out so that you can't think straight?
A client once told me she got a promotion, and that same night the narcissist picked a huge fight about nothing. She was too exhausted to celebrate. Coincidence? Please.
Are you kept up arguing all night and the next day is a write off? The narcissist never wants you to win, so when you don't hit those goals, I want you to dig deep and try to see why.
You'll notice the narcissist will be there every time in some way.
9 You will lose loved ones in this war
Fact. The people you love will not all stick around to find out the truth, but that's where you have to ask yourself:
If they don't believe me, were they really worth it in the first place?
I had a client sob down the phone because her own sister said, "He seems lovely to me, are you sure you're not exaggerating?" That's the camp, right there.
The answer is a resounding no, but you have to learn that the hard way when they choose the camp they want to support. You can't let it get to you, otherwise you'll never be able to shed this abuse.
10 They took everything from you, and only them
Nobody else had a part to play in this except the narcissist. Reflecting on your time with them means you're going to see patterns that mean the narcissist was the center of every dispute, drama, conflict and tear you ever were a part of.
Narcissists do take everything from their victims, with no second thought as to what damage they're doing.
I had a client sit across from me and say, "Alexander, I don't even recognise my own handwriting anymore." That's what they take. Little pieces you didn't know were up for grabs.
Moving on from the narcissist means having to admit that from the moment they walked into your life, they were intent on destroying it. It's sad, yes. What's sadder is if you hang around waiting for more abuse.
11 Closure? Yeah, That's Not Coming
You know that final conversation you keep rehearsing in your head? The one where they finally get it, where they say, "I understand now, I hurt you, I'm sorry"?
Yeah. Let it go.
That conversation is never happening. Not tomorrow, not in five years, not on their deathbed. Narcissists don't do closure because closure would mean admitting they were wrong, and we both know that word doesn't exist in their vocabulary.
I've had clients wait years for an apology. Years! Sitting there, hoping, replaying, wondering what they could say to finally crack that shell open.
And what I have to tell them is hard, but here it is: closure has to come from you.
You give it to yourself. You decide it's done. You decide you're not waiting for them to hand you a neat little bow to tie around the whole disaster.
Because if you wait for them to give you peace, you'll be waiting forever. And they know that. That's kind of the point.
Take it back. Close the door yourself.
12 The Grieving Hits Harder Than You Expected
You brace yourself for sadness, sure. You expect a bit of a cry, maybe a bad week. What you don't expect is for grief to sit on your chest for months and refuse to move.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsAnd here's the kicker, you're not just grieving them. You're grieving the version of them you thought existed. The one who said all those beautiful things at the start. The future you had mapped out in your head. The person you were before they got their hands on you.
That's three losses in one, isn't it? No wonder it hurts so much.
I hear it all the time, "Alexander, why am I still crying? They were awful to me." And I always say the same thing back. You're not crying for what was. You're crying for what was promised and never delivered.
That grief is real. It's heavy. And it will show up on random Tuesdays when you're just trying to buy milk.
Let it come. Let it move through you. Don't rush it, and please don't be embarrassed by it.
