Are your bags packed? Are you ready to go? You've been waiting for this vacation for as long as you can remember.
A chance to unwind, relax, soak up a different place for a while, and enjoy your hard earned time away.
There's a catch though, and it involves the person you're traveling with. If that person is a narcissist, you can forget about having any kind of time that resembles normal.
In fact, vacations bring out the weird in every narcissist, and here's why.
#1 Worse than a narcissist at home?
I'll preface everything with a resounding yes. Of course, my aim is to always be honest with you, and I can't do that without sometimes giving out answers that might make you flinch.
In truth, a narcissist who you're on vacation with will be much worse than the narcissist you know and have grown used to at home.
I know you're probably thinking, "Worse? Really?" I'm afraid so. Yet nobody talks about it enough, and that's why we are here today, breathing it all in!
Those who return from vacation love to come back with photos, a tan, and a relaxed view on the world after all that time spent lounging.
Those who return from vacation with a narcissist look even more tired than they were before they left.
The only part you feel marginally relieved about is the fact that you survived it all, which in itself, is a dream come true.
If you fit that bill, and ask yourself what it was that you survived, you can't even fully describe it, but you just know the whole experience was difficult and the least fun you've had in a long time.
Today is about me telling you what it was you survived, and that starts with structure.
You have no work to be tied up in, you have no meetings, no errands, no coworkers hovering over you and making your life difficult.
It's just you and the narcissist, and many, many hours of emptiness.
The narcissist sees that as the main problem, even though they will never really admit to it. Structure is where they fit in. Structure is what they need. Structure is where they find their true purpose.
There are thousands of reasons the narcissist stays regulated at home.
They go to work to perform and offer a version of them that doesn't actually exist. If they leave the house and see the neighbors, it's immediately showtime.
Then there's the errands, all the meetings and the people think they need them that force them into a world of function and charm.
Then…
…All of that is taken away. Something rises up to the surface.
There's nothing to distract the narcissist. The moods and internal weather they've got going on becomes difficult to suppress when there's no real day-to-day. Before you know it, they really need something to fill all their time.
What does that mean?
You're there with them for a week or two, and you start to see it.
The fights became bigger and more intense. It's the same version of the same fight you've had for years, yet it feels skewed on vacation because it is skewed.
At home, there's always something to break it up, even if it is as mundane as running to the grocery store.
On vacation, there's nothing. You're stuck in a hotel room. You're sitting on a beach. You're jammed on the freeway in the rental car, and nothing feels like your normal life.
And so that fight can go on for hours, even days, and every time you think of that, you're highlighted to the reality that you're somewhere foreign with no friends. All you have is your passport and a suitcase.
#2 Narcissists don't do well without their scaffolding
All narcissists love to know, to plan, and to control.
At home, they've got all their creature comforts, and people around them. This serves them incredibly well, and leaves no room for anything to fail in their eyes.
Without that scaffolding holding up their house of cards, in one puff, it will all blow down.
Scaffolding offers:
Control consistency. They know and can predict outcomes well if they are well used and known. Being home offers that on a plate.
Familiarity. Narcissists know what to do if plan A fails, and plan B is usually widely available if they have their comforts around them.
Favorable outcomes. There's nothing better than knowing the tricks you pull will pay off, and on vacation, that can be harder to organize.
Vacations are an opportunity for narcissists to show off.
Look where I am! Look at all my fancy meals! Check out this beach! Aren't I lucky?!
It does come with drawbacks though, and usually that means being in a setting that is as new to them as it is to you.
Nobody then has the upper hand on surroundings, and that intensity can therefore quickly grow.
#3 You've nowhere to go
It's not a trap, but it really feels like one. And it can be confusing, I mean, you're on vacation. Nothing should feel trapped about your dream time away at a place you've always wanted to visit.
Yet somehow, it does. And you're left waiting for the next time you get caught up in a moment where you want to walk away, but you've none of your familiarities around you.
The narcissist is right there with you, and that's why fights and disagreements can feel even worse than when you are at home.
#4 Everything feels so big
I fully understand how everything can feel so big, especially when you're so used to the world you're taking a break from.
Going on vacation can sometimes present you with a language barrier, cultural changes, temperature contrasts, and terrain that you aren't used to walking.
While that might be perfect if you go on that vacation with somebody who doesn't cause stress, it's a nightmare when you're there with a narcissist.
You feel alone at home, but on vacation, you feel fully isolated from the rest of the world.
It's all so big, and you already feel about as small as possible.
The weirdest part?
You didn't ask for any of this, and even the time you're supposed to be kicking back and enjoying life the most, you're feeling the stress and chaos even more than usual.
That isn't fair, yet is the reality for so many people who are in narcissistic relationships.
#5 Always remember…
You deserve a vacation as much as anybody (I'll exclude all narcissists from 'anybody.')
The reason you go away to a different place is to get a rest from normal life, yet somehow you end up even more stressed than before you left.
The narcissist goes out of their way to make life extremely extreme while you're away. It's as if you've both been placed under a microscope on a sandy beach for your time, and people are observing you to see how you react.
For many, this is no experiment. This is real life, and it is brutal.
