A narcissistic man will go to the ends of the earth to find a rich, successful woman to live off. I hear it all the time in my messages, and each one starts with, "I earn way more than he does, yet he seems to spend more than I do."
Yeah.
One woman told me he literally Googled her salary before their second date. I wish I was kidding. By month three, he'd quit his job and moved in. Sound familiar?
That's because he's a gold digger, and he is only after your money. As much as you think you've found the man of your dreams, he's found his pot of gold. Here are the reasons why narcissistic men are gold diggers.
1 Building from scratch is a big no no
An emotionally regulated man will love to tell you how he is slowly yet surely building his foundation of success. From his savings, to the pension he chose, even the flat he has, they're all good topics of conversations that come from pride and hard work.
Narcissistic men look for gold diggers because they refuse to put that work in. They may want to, but it's not in their DNA. They see building anything that can potentially take years, even decades, as boring. Narcissistic men instead tell you all the things they want.
I want a big house.
I had one client whose narcissistic partner spent three years talking about the business he was 'just about to launch.' Three years! Never registered a thing. Sound familiar?
I want a fancy car. I want to own my own company. Then they will lay down all the things that are 'about to happen.'
The house sale that's going through. The job interview of their dreams. The inheritance on its way to them. It's all potential, potential, potential. None of it is real, and they only brag about it because it's really all they've got.
They want a shortcut to marry into, and that's what they look for.
2 Your lifestyle becomes a costume they wear
He will love everything about your lifestyle, and he will take it on like it's his own within days of knowing him. He will love the house you live in.
It will be huge and luxurious and full of space he can fill himself with tasteless objects he'll end up buying.
I had a client whose ex started wearing her late father's watch within a month of moving in. Said it 'suited him better.' That's the energy we're dealing with here.
He loves your car, he wants one for himself and will keep asking until you give in. He loves the photos taken on your vacations because he's only ever dreamed of going to these places.
Your lifestyle that you've worked hard for as a successful woman only serves to be the narcissist's stage for which he will perform on. He will wear it with pride.
3 Money will buy the narcissist the very audience they can't earn themselves
Imagine having the kind of life where everybody knows your name and everybody gives you special treatment. They know how much you're worth, and so they gravitate to you in the hope they can make your life even more easy and enjoyable.
The servers know you love that table by the window at your favorite restaurant. You can go buy that bottle of very expensive wine at the high end wine store, and you're on first name terms with everyone.
I had a client tell me her ex used to slip the maître d' a fifty from her purse, then act like the warm welcome was all him. Sound familiar?
That's the life a narcissist dreams of. They dream of an audience that their own money simply cannot even begin to touch. So they use your money to gain it all, knowing they can play the role of rich man.
See also The Creepy Things Narcissists Do When They Are AloneIn fact, they're just using you to get what they want. That means there are no real emotions when it comes to you, just the happiness that your money brings them, and the people with it.
4 Leaving him would cost you far more than it would cost the narcissist
The reality is brutal, but yes, leaving a narcissist who only got with you because of your money is going to be messy, especially if you've started to share assets in your name, or if you married them or had kids with them.
Narcissistic men know there's very little escape plan for you if you want to leave them, so once they get their hooks into you, it's going to be for as long as possible. By the time you've realized this, it's too late.
I had a woman sit across from me in tears once because her lawyer told her it'd cost her half her business just to be free of him. Half! For what?
You're married. You share the deeds to the house (even though you paid for it with your own money), and you started the family. Leaving all of that will spell trouble, and he won't stop until he's got everything he wants from you.
It won't stop there either, as if you do share children, you'll be forced to pay up for potentially years to come, and your kids will be lucky to see a fraction of it.
5 They want to be associated with your status
Your status in general is a big turn on for greedy narcissistic men. It's all about who they can be when you're not around, and as long as you're associated with them, you're associated with their money. Status means the world to narcissists.
It isn't what they haven't got that they work for, it's what they can easily get via you that they want.
I had one client whose narcissistic partner introduced himself at her work events using her job title. Hers. Not his. And nobody corrected him because he said it with such confidence.
And it's immediate. With you, he gets to fly business class, or even first, and it feels to him as though this was always meant to be his life. He couldn't care any less than he does about you personally, it's just how you live is what attracts him.
For that reason, he will always want to be associated with you and everything you earn and own.
6 They crave your connections
The people you know? Oh yeah. They're going to be people he knows within minutes of meeting him. Where do you earn your money, down the local TV station?
I had a client whose ex memorized her colleagues' names within one office party. By the next week, he was golfing with her boss. Coincidence? Yeah, right.
That's where you'll find him loitering. You own that huge high rise you work from? He will come visit you every day with the best sushi for lunch just so he can talk to everyone you work with. The more people, the better.
There's no better way for him to bump into other people who can then serve a purpose for him, and who can expand his own horizons in other ways, too.
7 Your money ends up being your debt
You may have money when you meet the narcissist, but believe me when I say that will disappear fast if you aren't careful. Soon enough, you'll be wondering where all your savings went, or why your credit card yet again is maxed out for the sixth month in a row.
I had a client come to me in tears, saying, "He told me it was an investment, Alexander. Now I'm twenty grand in debt and he's bought a new watch." Sound familiar?
You didn't spend a dime. That's because he did, and he has zero regrets. That might be something to think about before you allow him access to your hard earned finances.
8 They want to brag to their friends
You are nothing but an excuse for him to brag to his friends. Look at my life. Look at what I've got. I can afford this, no problem. It's on me, after all, we have the cash.
I had a client whose partner would announce the price of every dinner to the table. "This bottle? Three hundred." She was mortified. He thought he was winning. Can you imagine?
No you don't. You didn't earn it, and you don't have the right to abuse it! Narcissists won't care what's morally right, they just want an excuse to brag about who they found to build a relationship with.
Never mind the fact that the relationship is actually the last thing on their mind. Your money is the first, and it always will be.
9 Working? Yeah, that's your job
Have you ever noticed how quickly a narcissistic man can find reasons not to work? It's almost an art form.
He's "between opportunities." He's "waiting for the right thing." He's "too good for that role." Meanwhile, you're up at 6am, dragging yourself to a job, coming home shattered, and he's been on the couch all day with a list of complaints ready to fire at you.
Working is your job. That's the unspoken rule. You earn, he spends, and he'll dress it up however he likes. "I'm focused on bigger things." "I'm working on my mindset." "You wouldn't understand my vision."
Vision? Buddy, I can see straight through it.
And if you ever dare to say, "Maybe you could pick up some hours somewhere?" you'll get hit with the cold shoulder, the sulk, or the explosive, "So now I'm not enough for you?!"
Funny how it's never about him pulling his weight. It's about you not appreciating him enough. Always your fault, isn't it? Always.
10 He'll spend it faster than you can earn it
And here's the kicker. You earn it, he burns it.
There's no saving with this guy. No little stash for emergencies, no rainy day fund, no quiet pride at watching your account tick upwards over the months. The second you've got something, he's got plans for it.
New watch. Weekend away (for him, mostly). Dinner at the place he wants to be seen at. A jacket he absolutely needed. Sound familiar?
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseAnd you're left looking at the bank balance going, "Wait, where did it all go?"
One client of mine told me she got a bonus at work, and within a week, he'd talked her into putting it toward a "shared" holiday that she ended up paying for entirely. He took the photos. She took the debt.
That's how it works. Your money is shared. His money is his.
And the worst part? When you flag it, when you dare to say, "I'm worried about how much we're spending," he'll roll his eyes and tell you that you're being tight.
Tight! With your own money!
