I can see your face from here.
You’re reading the title and nodding along, thinking, “Alexander, narcissists ARE insanity. The whole package. Top to bottom.”
And honestly? You’re not wrong. They wake up insane. They go to bed insane. There’s no off switch, no quiet hour, no Sunday afternoon where they suddenly remember how to behave like a regular human.
But what does that insanity actually look like in real life? What are the specific things they do that make you stop, blink, and go, “Yep. That right there. Narcissist confirmed.”
Let me show you 10 of them.
1. Stalking, But Make It Creepy
Doesn’t matter if you’re together, broken up, friends, family, or some random person they’ve fixated on, the narcissist wants to know everything about you. Where you went last weekend, who liked your last post, what your sister’s new boyfriend looks like, what your face looked like at 19.
Online, they’re practically professionals. They’ll scroll back through years of your photos, hunting for old captions, old friends, old versions of you. They sniff around your likes, your tagged photos, that one comment you left on someone’s page in 2013.
And the present? Oh, they’re all over that too. Who you’re seeing, where you’re eating, what gym you joined, what new hobby you picked up that they’ll later make fun of.
Why though? Why all this effort?
Because information is ammunition. The more they know, the more they can use against you later. A throwaway comment becomes, "Well, I saw you were out with him on Tuesday." Creepy, right?
And there’s another layer. Watching you makes them feel in control. Even if you don’t know they’re watching, they know. That’s enough for them. A quiet little power trip from behind a screen.
2. Convincing You The Sky Is Green
And speaking of control, here’s where it really gets ugly. Narcissists are master manipulators, and part of that mastery is convincing you that what you see, hear, and feel is just plain wrong.
"That never happened." "You're remembering it wrong." "I never said that, you're imagining things again."
Bit by bit, your reality gets snatched out from underneath you. The sky is green now, apparently. Up is down. And the worst part? You start to believe them. You start to question every memory, every conversation, every gut feeling.
That's the doorway into narcissistic abuse, right there. Because once they own your reality, they own you.
No person who genuinely cares about you would ever dismantle your mind like that. Nobody.
3. Chipping Away At Your Confidence, Bit By Bit
Once they’ve got your reality, your confidence is next. And it doesn’t vanish overnight. It gets shaved away, one slice at a time, and the longer the narcissist knows you, the better they get at where to cut.
Sounds heavy. And it is. But they’re never going to come straight out with, "I’m going to dismantle who you are." That’d be too obvious, wouldn’t it?
It comes through the suggestions. The little comments. "You’re working too hard, you should slow down." Sounds caring on the surface, right? But what does work give you? Money. Independence. People to talk to outside of them. Strip that away and look who’s left holding all the cards.
Or it’s, "We can’t really afford two cars, it makes more sense to sell yours." And suddenly you’re asking for lifts. Asking permission, basically, just to leave the house.
I’ve had clients tell me, "I didn’t even notice until I looked back." That’s the whole point. You’re not supposed to notice. Not until it’s already gone.
4. Your Loyalty? They’ll Trample All Over It
And while they’re chipping away at you, your loyalty keeps showing up for them. You are loyal, aren't you? I'd bet on it. Victims of narcissistic abuse are some of the most loyal people I've ever come across.
You stick by them when things get rough, when they're acting out, even when your gut says something is off.
And what do they do with that loyalty? Trample it.
Question them just once, and suddenly, "Why are you always against me?" Or my personal favorite, "After everything I've done for you?"
You're left feeling guilty for not defending them harder. No emotionally healthy person abuses your loyalty like this. Only a narcissist does.
5. "You're The Narcissist!" Oh Please
Oh, this one. I hear it from clients almost weekly, and it never stops being wild to me. They sit down, take a breath, and say, "Alexander, they actually called me the narcissist."
And look, if you hear something often enough, you start to wonder. You start the late night Googling. You start questioning every conversation. "Am I the bad one here? Am I the problem?"
Let me stop you right there. You're not.
The accusation exists for one reason. To shift the spotlight. To get you so busy defending yourself that you forget to examine them. It's a magic trick, isn't it? Look over here, not over there.
And while you're proving you're a good person, the actual narcissist slips off stage, completely unbothered.
6. Suddenly, You're All Alone
Isolation is the kind of thing you don’t see happening to you. It’s not like the narcissist stands at the door blocking your friends from coming in. It’s sneakier than that.
It happens so gradually, you barely catch it. One day you look around and the room is just… quiet. Empty.
Where did everybody go?
Why don’t I do the things I used to do?
Why do I feel so lonely?
It creeps up. A subtle, "I just don't think she's a great influence on you." Or, "Did you notice how he was looking at you?
I don't trust him." Or the classic triangulation move, where they stir up drama between you and your sister until the two of you aren't speaking and they get to play peacemaker.
Bit by bit, your circle thins out. Sunday lunches stop happening. The girls' nights dry up. That hobby you loved? You gave it up because they made you feel silly for caring about it.
And here’s the cruelest part. You feel like you did it to yourself. You feel guilty for losing those people, as if it was your choice all along.
It wasn’t. It was the slow, patient work of somebody who realized the fewer voices you had around you, the louder theirs could be. And now they’ve got you all to themselves. Jackpot.
7. You're A Pawn, Not A Person
And once they’ve got you alone? That’s when you see what you mean to them. Which is to say, nothing. When you’re with a narcissist, you’re not a person. You’re a tool. A useful object. A thing that serves a purpose until that purpose runs out.
Your dreams? They don’t care. Your opinions? Background noise. Your interests? "Why are you wasting your time on that?"
You think you matter. You hope you matter. You tell yourself, "If I just try a little harder, they’ll see me." But every move they make whispers, "You don’t."
And it’s not just romantic partners, is it? Think about the children pulled into the dynamic. The grandparents wheeled out when it suits the family image. The siblings used as weapons against each other. Everybody is a piece on the board.
You can be the kindest, softest, most giving person walking the earth, and they will still use you up like batteries in a remote.
That’s the part that floors me. The pure, calculated nothingness of it.
8. Used When It Suits Them
Have you noticed how the narcissist only really pops up when there’s something in it for them?
Months can go by. Total radio silence. You start to think, “Okay, they’ve actually moved on.” And then ping, a message lands. "Hey stranger! Long time! Listen, I was wondering if you could..."
There it is. The favor. The ask. The reason they remembered you existed.
You’re not a friend, you’re a resource. And you only get unboxed when something needs doing.
So here’s where you have a choice. You can come running every time they snap their fingers, or you can let that message sit there and rot.
I know which one I’d pick.
9. Attention: Their Favorite Meal
Watch a narcissist when attention lands on them. I mean really watch. Their whole face changes, doesn’t it?
Suddenly they’re standing taller, talking louder, eyes flicking around the room to clock who’s listening. Every laugh, every nodding head, every “oh wow, really?” gets swallowed up like they haven’t eaten in days.
And it’s not normal enjoyment. We all like a bit of attention. But this is different. This is hungry. This is, “feed me more or I’ll find someone who will.”
What gets me is how few people actually clock it. They’re too busy being entertained. Meanwhile I’m sitting there going, are you all seeing this?
Awareness, people. Please.
10. Your Health Pays The Price
Would you have ever believed that another human being could literally make you sick? Not metaphorically. Sick sick.
It happens, and it happens all the time.
When you live with a narcissist long enough, your nervous system stops functioning the way it should. You’re in fight or flight on a Tuesday morning making toast. Clients tell me, “Alexander, I can’t sleep, I’ve put on weight, my hair is falling out, my doctor doesn’t know what’s wrong.”
I do. I know what’s wrong.
Anxiety, depression, autoimmune flare ups, gut issues, panic attacks, chronic fatigue, the list keeps going. And here’s the maddening part. The narcissist sleeps like a baby while your body carries every bit of stress they refused to own.
Millions of people are walking around with bodies still bracing for the next blow. And the only person who fits that description as the cause? A narcissist.
