I know you thought you were the narcissist's partner, and meant everything to them. Sharing a life with someone who is intent on abusing you will never have a happy ending.
They all want you to share one of these six roles, and I'm sad to say this officially takes you out of their "partner" role you thought you were in. They've got each one lined up and ready, so which will you fall into?
And here's the sting: the role was decided long before you noticed you were auditioning. You just thought you were being loved.
1 First role: The mirror
Extreme for some to hear, but necessary for me to talk about. A role the narcissist needs you to play is that of a mirror. When they look into a real mirror, they want to see back a person who is amazing, never wrong, and always successful.
Looking at you makes them need that very thing and much more from you. You're amazing. You're always right. I'm so lucky to have you. The narcissist also wants you to reflect everything they feel about you back to them.
When they say things like, "You see the real me," and, "Nobody else would put up with me," they want you to go along with him and agree.
You are there to validate everything they say, whether it's a complaint, or a story, or a version of himself he brought up that very day.
Disagreeing with any of the things he has to say, or wants to hear from you will make him turn to you and see you as some kind of enemy. You're so negative all the time. What is your problem? Why are you being so unsupportive?
Mirrors aren't supposed to have any kind of conversation back, they're simply supposed to reveal. If you're revealing good things about the narcissist, you're doing the right thing. If you're not, you're going to somehow be punished by the narcissist.
I had a client tell me her ex once snapped, "I don't recognise you anymore," the second she disagreed about a restaurant. That's it. That's the whole crime.
2 Second role: The fixer
The fixer, and who doesn't love a fixer? It's a sneaky one, but it's a role the narcissist still wants you to play. Initially, it feels a lot like love, but make no mistake, this is anything but.
There will be times the narcissist will come to you all broken and bruised. He feels so misunderstood by the world, like nobody understands him. People let me down all the time. Nobody appreciates me. I try my best.
I've never been understood by any of my exes, and now you get me. You're the only one who actually helps me. You love to pick him up, and so you feel it's your job to dig into that role, and continue to prove that you've got his back.
You want to make every bad day fade away to sunshine, at the expense of your own emotional health and wellbeing. You come to his rescue, even though he doesn't really need to be saved at all. Why is that?
You wonder, and it transpires that you were made to feel like you were the only person who could do that. Nobody else; just you to save the day.
One woman told me he'd call her at 2am, sobbing about his mother, and by morning he was cold as ice. She'd stayed up crying with him.
You feel that deeply, because you've always wanted to be someone who makes another person's day better. When you look closely, you realize that nothing really got fixed at all, because a narcissist is never satisfied.
See also 7 Weaknesses Every Narcissist Has That Will Destroy Them In The End3 Third role: The scapegoat
I could write forever about the role of the scapegoat in the narcissist's life. Every single narcissist needs at least one, and they will do anything to make them hang around for as long as they can.
When anything goes wrong, a scapegoat is the one who shoulders and carries the blame (much to their exhaustion). You made me do this. I was fine before you came in and started asking me questions. You said what you said, and now look at what's happened.
It's funny how the narcissist is acting like you have that much power, when in another breath, they treat you like the most powerless person on the planet, isn't it? Every bad mood and inconvenience the narcissist feels and experiences all leads back to you; fact.
Burnt the toast? Your fault. Traffic was bad? Somehow your fault too. They stubbed their toe walking through a room you weren't even in? Yep, that's on you as well.
Does that make you guilty? No. It makes you the scapegoat. Who can the narcissist point the finger at? You. Who can they blame, shame and guilt? You. It works perfectly for them, but obviously it's a heavy role for you to play, and one that leads to exhaustion.
Over time, yes, you think, "Was all of this really my fault?"
Don't let their attitude toward you gaslight you into thinking you were the problem. Instead of spending your day trying to manage their emotions, how about you just leave them to it? That's what they deserve, after all.
I know far too many people who were forced into the role of scapegoat just because they challenged the narcissist. They were made out to be the bad guy, when in reality, the only bad guy is the toxic person causing all the trouble.
That wasn't you, and it never will be.
4 Fourth role: The audience!
When a narcissist takes to the stage (like they do every day), they always need their biggest cheerers in the front row. They need people watching, and you play the perfect role for that. That means every single story they told, you were there listening the most.
Every joke they execute, you laugh the loudest. They soak it all in like an egotistical sponge, and they love that about you. That doesn't mean you're their loving partner, it means you give them something that nobody else does.
You scratch an itch they cannot get from others, and you make them feel like the most interesting person in the room at all times.
Clap when they enter, gasp at their jokes, nod at their monologue. Miss one beat and suddenly you hear, "Wow, you're really not yourself tonight, are you?"
Do you have any idea how important you are to the narcissist? Before you get ahead of yourself, I want you to think about what that really means, because it doesn't mean they love you. It means they love this about you.
The tables can drastically turn when you start to give somebody else that attention, and this is why your role is never permanent. As long as you comply, you will be treated well. The moment that turns to another, you're yesterday's news.
You'll certainly hear about it later, that's for sure. It's hard to be the narcissist's audience. You cannot miss a cue, and if you do, you're thought of as a traitor. Can you imagine the emotional labor that has to go behind a role like this?
Maybe you know from experience, and if you do, I can only imagine how difficult it was to show up every day and not step a foot out of line. You must never steal the spotlight, and you must never give it to any other person than the narcissist, either.
5 See it yet?
All of these roles are imperative for the narcissist. You have to comply, otherwise you are of no use to them. That's when they will not hesitate in going out and recruiting their next victim to fill your place.
Nobody is irreplaceable in the long run, and that's just a sad fact you have to get used to. It's time to break free and get yourself back once and for all.
And I promise you, the version of you waiting on the other side of these roles is somebody you've been missing for a long, long time.
6 The messenger they need for their smear campaign
Here's a role that catches so many people off guard. The narcissist doesn't just badmouth you behind your back. They badmouth other people to you, hoping you'll carry it forward.
"Don't tell anyone I said this, but my sister has been drinking again."
"Between us, I think Mark is going to get fired soon."
They plant these little seeds in you and then sit back. You mention it to somebody, maybe out of concern, maybe by accident, and suddenly you're the source. You're the gossip. You're the one who "started it."
Meanwhile, the narcissist has clean hands. They never said a thing, did they? You did.
I've had people sit across from me completely bewildered, saying, "I don't know how I became the villain in her family, I only repeated what she told me." That's the whole trick. You become the mouthpiece for damage they wanted done but didn't want their name attached to.
Once you spot this pattern, you stop repeating anything they tell you. Nothing. Not even the small stuff.
7 The emotional punching bag
Bad day at work? You're getting it. Argument with their mother? You're getting it. Stubbed their toe on the coffee table? Somehow, that's your fault too.
Whatever emotion the narcissist can't process (and let's be honest, that's most of them), it lands squarely on you. You become the dumping ground for every ounce of frustration, insecurity, and rage they can't face in themselves.
And the worst part? You start absorbing it. You take it on. You wonder if maybe you did cause the mood, maybe you should have known better, maybe if you were just a little quieter, a little softer, a little more attentive, they'd be okay.
They wouldn't be. Someone else would just be catching the punches instead of you.
I've had someone tell me, "I could feel his mood the moment he walked through the door, and I'd already start bracing." That's not partnership. That's a person living on high alert in their own home, waiting for the next hit to land.
