There will have been an initial time where you gave your all to the narcissist. Opening up to them would have felt like a vulnerability you trusted, and you had no reason to challenge that. This is the world of relationships, after all!
You see the narcissist letting you in, and you think this is something really special. The narcissist was storing all you told them, and not out of love, but out of spite.
Every soft admission, every fear you whispered late at night, every insecurity you handed over trusting it was safe. They filed it away like ammunition, waiting for the right moment.
That's the dark side you wish you could meet and be warned about. I'm here to explain what that looks like in detail.
1 Handing over all your secrets was like handing over all your power
You don't think they're confessions at the time, not when a narcissist is looking at you with this genuine care, concern and warmth. They love to hear you talk about yourself, but that won't last long.
Soon enough, you'll be manipulated to stop, but not before the narcissist extracts some crucial information from you first. So, how do they do that?
Let's start with literally every single thing you tell them during a time you've also said, "Please don't tell anyone I said this, but…" Or what about when you've said, "I've never told anyone this before, but…" Or maybe, you've found yourself saying, "I trust you, and that's why I want to tell you about the time I…"
Yeah, these are all perfect starting points for getting the most intimate confessions from you, and those confessions can be anything from things you've done, or any fears or triggers that you have.
It can also include the times you've been hurt by someone you love, or all the ways you tried to show up in a previous relationship only to be rejected. You're giving away everything about you the narcissist can use against you at a later date, and I mean everything.
All those ways you're insecure will be ways the narcissist can make you feel insecure when you least expect it. They will listen and nod, but what's going on inside is note taking.
One client told me her ex threw her childhood trauma back at her mid argument, word for word, months after she'd shared it in tears. That's what confession becomes.
2 All those fears you wanted to share…
When it comes to fears, there are so many the narcissist can find from you. The first is any kind of abandonment that you've experienced, and how much that affected you in the past. This becomes like gold for the narcissist, valuable to a tee.
It is their reason for using it against you at a later date. It will be their go to move, watch out it works. Maybe this wasn't a good idea after all. I don't think it's working between us.
I keep thinking, and I don't even know if I want to be here any more. Fine. I'll just go. There's nothing left here between us. The disgusting part is they don't mean any of it, and they've no intention of leaving.
These words are thrown at you because the narcissist knows how much they will affect you and make you panic. When you shared your deepest and darkest, you handed them that grenade. This is the narcissist pulling the pin.
And what do you do? You backpedal. You apologise. You promise to be better, whatever better even means. They watch you scramble, and they file that away too.
3 Your traumas you felt were safe to share...
It's awful when you willingly share your traumas, only for the narcissist to abuse them in this way. Think of past traumas like breaking news to the narcissist; they will use them to surprise you whenever they feel like it.
I had a parent who always let me down as a kid. I never felt loved. I was with someone who constantly cheated and denied it. I worked so hard for my career, and I just don't feel confident enough to pull it off.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseI didn't have many friends growing up. I was always moving around as a kid. I've tried so hard to overcome being neglected as a child. There will have been a time where you felt safe enough to share all of this information with the narcissist.
I assure you, that will have felt like a natural progression of your relationship, and you'll have felt right at the time to share it with someone you thought you could trust. Then comes an argument, started by the narcissist:
No wonder you don't have many friends. I can see why your parent had a hard time with you. I see these patterns you keep getting into now. There it is. Throwing it right back into your face.
One client told me her ex used her dead mother in every single argument. Something she'd shared over wine, back when she thought he was safe. Sound familiar?
You were honest, and now it's being used against you.
4 Past relationships and how they expired
Name dropping is probably one of the ways a narcissist will store information about you. You won't even realize you're doing it, but for the narcissist, they're rubbing their hands together and loving every single minute of it.
From the sister who wronged you, to your best friend saying something that upset you; the narcissist will remember it all and use them as weapons. Even your best friend can't stand your moods. Your sister probably just got sick of you.
It becomes bigger than fighting with the narcissist then, doesn't it? It starts to look like you're having to fight every single person you've had a problem with, but in reality, this is only the imaginary version of them the narcissist is giving you.
Still, it feels real, and it feels exhausting.
I had a client tell me her ex would bring up her estranged mother mid-argument, saying, "See, even she couldn't stand you." That one line took years to unpack.
5 And then there's the money…
We do not talk about this enough! You talk to the narcissist about your money worries, and they will be the happiest person alive.
You're basically giving them information about the most personal aspect of your life, and they're running away with it, waiting for the right time to destroy you. They will use your worries to make you feel trapped; like there's no way out.
One client told me her ex kept a mental tally of every coffee she bought. Then he'd bring it up months later, like, "No wonder you're broke."
Trust you to overspend. I can understand why you are so worried when you earn barely enough to get by. Another sick day? Do you get paid for those? You freeze, wondering if you're doing any of the right things that you should be.
The narcissist will contribute nothing to your life except more worries than you ever bargained for. Keep your finances to yourself, trust me.
6 That list of everything you love about what makes you, you
Oh my goodness, I know this one will hit deep. I know you'd think all the good things about you would be safe from the narcissist, but you're wrong.
If you mention one thing about how proud you are, or how patient you are, they will honestly run tests on it every single day. If you tell them how kind you are, they will call you pathetic or even naive.
If you even mention that you think you're a brilliant parent, they'll put an end to that belief by constantly showing you areas where you're failing (even though you're not even close). They will go after what you love about yourself the moment you share it with them.
One woman told me she mentioned being proud of her calm nature. Within a week he was saying, "You're cold. That's not calm, that's dead inside."
7 Do you think you're the problem? You're not!
No victim is ever the problem; it is always the narcissist. You aren't wrong for wanting to be in a loving relationship and sharing your most vulnerable thoughts, experiences or feelings. The narcissist is wrong for taking advantage of them.
Opening up isn't a character flaw. It's what humans do in close relationships. The problem was never you being honest, it was them weaponizing that honesty the moment they had it.
8 The dreams you shared? Ammunition.
Remember that quiet evening when you told them about the little bookshop you wanted to open one day? Or the novel you've been writing since you were nineteen? Or that one place in Italy you swore you'd live in before you turned forty?
They nodded. They smiled. They said, "That sounds amazing, you should absolutely do it." You thought you'd found someone who finally got you.
Fast forward six months, and those dreams are now the sharpest weapons in the drawer. "You? Running a bookshop? You can't even keep the kitchen tidy." "That novel is never getting finished, we both know that." "Italy? On what money?"
Your dreams stop feeling like possibilities. They start feeling like proof of how naive you are. And you find yourself apologising for even wanting them.
I've watched people go completely silent about the things they used to talk about with a spark in their eyes. That's what a narcissist does with a confession like that. They don't hold it, they weaponise it.
9 Your body hangups become their favourite dartboard
You told them once, quietly, that you never liked your stomach. Or your nose. Or the way your thighs looked in shorts. Maybe you were laying in bed with them, feeling safe for the first time in ages, and it just slipped out.
Big mistake.
Because from that day on, every argument ends with a little jab about the exact thing you confessed. Not directly, no. They're smarter than that. It comes out sideways.
See also 10 Daily Struggles Narcissistic Abuse Survivors Are Too Ashamed To Share With Anyone"Oh, you're wearing that? Brave."
"I mean, most people wouldn't pull that off, but you do you."
"Have you thought about maybe hitting the gym with me? Just for fun."
And you sit there, cheeks burning, because they know. They know because you told them. You handed them the map to your insecurities and they memorised every landmark.
The cruelty of it is how casual they make it sound. Like a passing thought. Like they're helping. Meanwhile you're standing in front of the mirror at 11pm picking apart the exact body part you once trusted them with.
