Will he ever get what he did to me? Will she ever know just how painful she treats me? You can wonder, and ask yourself, but the truth is, no.
I have lost count of how many clients have sat across from me asking, "Will they ever just get it?" And my heart sinks a little every time, because I know the answer.
There are just some things they will never understand, and I want to guide you through each one in the hope you can gain some clarity from their insensitivity. Time can tick by, and you can spend forever waiting and hoping they will get you, but they won't.
To know that is to know your worth, remember that.
1 Why you loved them in the first instance
I know it is going to sound a little backward, but stick with me here, because it gets so interesting. This is honest. The narcissist doesn't actually believe that anyone loves them at all.
I know they act like everyone cares and revolves around them, but in reality, there's this fear that they're unlovable. They don't believe you when you tell them how you feel, they just think you tolerate them in exchange for all the things they provide you with.
When you're there talking about real love, you may as well be speaking a different language entirely.
I had a client whose ex literally laughed when she said "I love you." Actually laughed. Then asked her what she wanted. Because to him, love was always a transaction waiting to happen.
Yeah, okay. Sure. Uh huh. He waves you away like you're some kind of child with these ridiculous ideas. Your love will never be understood, because it's the kind of emotion narcissists don't know how to genuinely feel.
They can't picture being loved as a person, as they are acutely aware that their persona is to be toxic and play games and mess with people's minds.
2 Why you stayed
The narcissist will automatically think you stayed with them because there was something about them that was magnetic. They think it was the charm that worked, and that's why you are still around after all this time. The thing is, the charm wore off months, even years ago.
Now what's left is a tired person, who really has nowhere else to go. You don't have the finances to break away and make a go of it yourself. You stay because you hope the narcissist might change and start treating you better.
You stay because you want to keep the family together under one roof for the kids. These are totally differing stories, but they all mean the same thing: you stayed even when you didn't necessarily want to.
I had a client tell me once, "I stayed because I couldn't afford the deposit on a flat." That was it. No magnetism, no spark. Just rent prices. Romantic, isn't it?
The problem comes when you tell them:
I'm only staying for the kids. The narcissist will hear you insulting them, and not that you're desperately unhappy and want to go. They won't ask you why, or what, if anything, they can do to make the relationship stronger for you. That's what normal people might do. A narcissist?
They shut out your unhappiness and only see you as being unkind to them.
They will then fight with you for the rest of your time together, constantly wanting to know which version of you is showing up today, the one that might love them, or the one that doesn't want to be anywhere near them again.
It's you who will have to battle that, and it will fall on deaf ears every single time.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House3 The reason you left
It just came out of nowhere. One minute we were happy, the next they wanted out. I thought things were fine. I just don't get it. No.
The narcissist will never get the real reason why you left, because that would involve having to face the reality of just how abusive they really were.
I had a client whose ex called her crying, saying, "I don't understand, we just had a nice dinner last week." She'd been planning her exit for eight months. Eight months!
That won't happen, but instead, they will put out their confusion for the world to see. They act like it was never on the cards, or never likely to happen, and suddenly it did and they're hurting big time.
The biggest tell tale sign of the narcissist's surprise is that they genuinely think everything was fine, just because they were fine. That's how self-involved they are. Your feelings never mattered, and even as you leave, they're still confused as to why you'd do such a thing.
In reality, that's exactly where their ego is, and where it'll always be.
4 Why the kids are quiet when they're around the narcissist
Have you got kids with a narcissist?
At the time of starting a family with them, you'll have not even considered that they're quite as toxic as they actually are, but all will become clear the moment you announce there are babies entering the family who need more care and attention than the narcissist. EVERYTHING THEN CHANGES.
As those babies grow up and become small kids, the narcissist will think and assume them to be shy. You're so quiet. What are you being shy for? Come on, speak up, I can't hear you properly. You're so well behaved.
A client told me her six year old once whispered, "Is daddy in a good mood today?" before even getting out of bed. Six years old. Already scanning. Already managing.
You must be tired from school. No, it wasn't another hard week in class. Your kids feel like they can't be themselves around you because if they make a noise, you tell them to be quiet or criticize their blossoming personality. As for the kids, they're scanning the narcissist.
They want to be safe, but they've got used to having to calculate the narcissist's mood. Which version of dad has woken up today? All dad sees is an obedient, quiet child. In truth, that child can't let go around them, and will never be able to.
5 Why you just don't want to be friends any more
But, but, we can still be friends, can't we? No. The time comes where you leave the narcissist, and in their desperation, they're calling out to you with this innocent, unaware smile, asking if you can still be friends. What's the harm, right? PLENTY!
I had a client say to me, "He actually asked if we could grab coffee sometime, like nothing happened." Coffee? After two years of being torn apart? Are you kidding me?
Friends don't treat people like shit, and your whole relationship looked like that. Every birthday was hell. When your mother was sick they made your life hell because you wanted to take care of her. You couldn't wear anything without them criticizing or mocking you.
What kind of recipe for friendship is that?! A narcissist just cannot understand your need for that clean break, because they don't carry the kind of conscience that reflects on their bad behavior.
6 Why you're doing so well without them around
For a person who relies on you needing them every minute of every day, a narcissist will be shocked to the core when you decide for yourself to paint the walls, or change the kitchen tap. You're supposed to need them.
They freak out because you do things without them, or without even asking them. Whether you leave them or stay, a narcissist will expect you to eat cereal out of the box when they aren't around, and wait for them at the window to come home.
I had a client tell me her ex came home after a weekend away and screamed, "You rearranged the living room without me?!" She'd moved a lamp. One lamp.
Instead, you got all your errands run, made time for your hobbies, and even caught up with a friend while they were gone. That's an offence to the narcissist who wants you to fall apart when not in their company.
They are trying to manipulate you into being dependent on them, and evidently, that doesn't seem to be working. A narcissist won't understand why their plan seems to be backfiring. Little do they know how little you need them.
7 Why nobody's rushing to defend them
Have you ever noticed how, when the dust settles and the truth starts seeping out, the narcissist suddenly looks around and realizes... nobody's standing up for them?
They genuinely don't get it. "After everything I've done for these people!" Yeah, well, about that.
Here's the bit they can't compute. People defend kindness. People defend someone who has been there for them through the rough patches without keeping score. People rally around the friend who never made them feel small.
Narcissists? They built their whole circle on transactions. Favours with strings. Compliments with hooks. Help that came with a quiet little invoice attached.
So when their world wobbles and they look for back up, all those people they "did so much for" suddenly remember they're busy. Phones go quiet. The group chat moves on.
And they sit there thinking everyone is being unfair, when in fact people are just being honest for the first time. Honest with their silence.
It stings, doesn't it? Well, for them. Not for you.
8 Why saying sorry actually matters
To a narcissist, sorry is just a word you throw out to end an argument. A passcode. A reset button. Say it, move on, carry on doing the exact same thing tomorrow.
But sorry isn't a magic word, is it? It's a promise. It means, "I see what I did, I understand how it landed, and I am going to do something different next time."
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsThat last part? That's the bit they'll never get.
I've had clients tell me, "He says sorry all the time, Alexander." And I always ask the same thing. "And does anything change?" Cue the silence.
Because saying sorry without changed behaviour is just noise. It's a way of buying more time to keep hurting you.
A real apology costs something. It costs ego. It costs the admission that you were wrong, that you hurt someone, that you have work to do on yourself.
Narcissists aren't willing to pay that. They'd rather say the word a hundred times than mean it once.
